Part 39 (1/2)
When I was utterly anch.o.r.ed in place, so solid that it would be impossible to vanish and heal, I knew it was time- and that I could do it.
Absolutely my last conscious act was to put my revolver's muzzle to my right temple and pull the trigger.
Chapter 16
I HURTLED awake shrieking, then vanished almost in the same instant. The agony abruptly ceased, and, floating in the grayness, my dazed mind slowly grasped the appalling truth that I'd failed.
Solid again. Lying as before on the office couch. Blood-smell on my left. A spray of long-dried rust brown blood on the lighter brown leather by my head. Hole in the leather from my carefully crafted wooden bullet. It'd pa.s.sed right through my skull.
I still lived. Would continue to live.
G.o.d d.a.m.n it.
Then I noticed Escott standing over me.
I'd never seen such a look on his face. Infinite rage. Infinite pain. It was raw as an open wound and still bled, the pain carving deep lines into his gray flesh.
”You b.a.s.t.a.r.d,” he whispered.
I made no response.
His eyes blazed, hot enough to scorch what was left of my soul. Why couldn't I have just stayed dead?
”You b.a.s.t.a.r.d. You idiotic, selfish b.a.s.t.a.r.d.” There was enough venom in his voice to kill an elephant.
I stopped meeting his gaze. Maybe he would get fed up and leave, then I'd find some other place to be at dawn and try again. Next time, a shotgun. Wood pellets in the cartridges. Ugly. I'd have to blow my whole head off. So be it...
Anger like a living force rolled from Escott to smash against my body. For a second I thought he had hit me. His fists shook at his sides. He trembled all over. ”You b.l.o.o.d.y coward! Did you even think how it would be for her walking upstairs, opening the door, and finding you?”
Bobbi. He was talking about Bobbi.
”How could you do that to her?”
I'd done it for her. He just didn't understand. ”She saw?”
”No, thank G.o.d. Instead I came in first and found you.”
I shrugged. Better him than Bobbi, I guess.
”I've waited all day to see if you'd b.l.o.o.d.y wake up. All b.l.o.o.d.y day, d.a.m.n you!”
”And I woke up,” I murmured to myself.
His lips twisted. Teeth showed. ”How could you do this to-”
”Because I hurt, dammit!”
”And how do you think she'd have felt?”
”She'd get over it. She's better off without me. Everyone is.”
I saw it coming and didn't duck. He hauled back and landed one square and hard, one of his best. It knocked me clean from the couch. He'd know I wouldn't feel much; this clobbering was about expressing anger, not to cause pain.
I had plenty of that already.
”Get your head out of your backside and think of somebody else for a change-”
”I was! Don't you see? I'm no good to her or anyone like this. And I hurt!”
”We all hurt! But you don't inflict your pain on others by doing this!”
I dragged off the floor onto the couch again. ”Yeah-yeah, well, too bad, I thought it over, and it's better for everyone if I'm gone.”
He called me a b.l.o.o.d.y coward again and knocked me over again. Much harder. The second time made bruises. Dammit. Why couldn't he just leave me alone? I started to get up...
He got a good one square on my nose. I heard and felt it break. While he rubbed his battered knuckles and glowered, I sat a.s.s flat on the floor with blood s...o...b..ring down my chin.
”What the h.e.l.l's with you?” I snarled, snuffling messily at the flow. ”You know what I went through!”
”That's no excuse!”
”It is. I'm never gonna get better from it-”
”Not by killing yourself you won't!”
”I can't live like this! Every night it gets worse-”
”So you have a few bad memories, poor, poor fellow. It gave you a reaction you don't like. Very scary, I'm sure.
You're going to let that destroy you? Destroy Bobbi-”
”It's not your business, Charles. This is my choice, only I know what it's like in my head, not you!”
”I know what it's doing to the people who care about you. Don't you give a tinker's d.a.m.n what you're doing to Bobbi?”
”Since when do you have to b.u.t.t in about her? I never asked.”
”But she did! We're here to help, but you shut us out-especially Bobbi. You're ripping her apart.”
”That's what I'm trying not to do! This is to save her, dammit!”
”How?” he demanded.
The words stuck in my throat.
”How?” he roared. He rose, loomed over me.