Part 11 (1/2)

He raised his head, fist curling in his hair as he took a few breaths.

I could see his words building and braced myself for the truth.

”Ive been trying to stop since last week, when we said wed do this together.” His eyes dropped from mine as he stepped closer.

”Forget about before.” I remained still, not ready or willing to give comfort yet. ”But look at me and tell me, since our talk, how many times?”

”Only once. Thursday when I called you at school, I had just used. I regretted it, thats why I called.” His voice was speeding up as he stepped closer to me and reached for my hand, trying to convince me. ”Im sorry.”

12: Time.

I WATCHED HIM FOR ANY SIGN OF hesitation, for any sign that he would say more. His head was down, his hand gripping mine. It took him a moment to raise his eyes to me.

”Only once. Thats the truth?” My voice was soft, my chest too tight to speak louder.

His nod eased some of the tension, and I could take a full breath, but only for a moment before the next thought hit.

”Why didnt you tell me?” I pulled my hand from his.

He stiffened, shoulders rising, lips pressed together, and lines etched deep between his brows.

For every second that pa.s.sed without him talking, I stepped away, the ocean of uncertainty in my gut swelling.

His hand lifted, telling me he didnt know what to say.

”Thats it.” I mocked his simple gesture, raising and dropping my hand. ”You wont open up to me about this but expect me to believe what you say? Expect me to listen to what you say?” My voice gained power as I spoke, the storm in me building, churning up.

I darted to his desk, digging through the drawers that would open, but found nothing suspect. Frustration mounted as I stirred around things I already knew were there. ”Unlock this.” Stepping back, I pointed to the bottom drawer that wouldnt budge.

”What are you going to do?” He was hesitant, but already pulling out his keys and stepping to where I was. Sliding the key into the lock, he twisted and a soft pop filled the silence. He stood between the drawer and me with his arms crossed. ”This is stupid. You going to do the same thing to our house? Search everything? How often? What will that prove?”

His words were like sticks, poking me, only provoking more anger.

”Maybe if youd actually talk to me, tell me things, I wouldnt have to.”

”Thats what I was doing right now. I told you what I did. But see, this,” he swept his hand through the air gesturing to the length of me, ”is the reason I didnt tell you that day. I already have enough on my f.u.c.king plate without adding this to it.”

I stepped back like he hit me. ”f.u.c.k you. Dont you dare put this on me. Ive been nothing but supportive, Im freaking out cause you hide so much s.h.i.+t Gage. If you would tell me these things-”

”I didnt mean it like that.” He swiped his had over his face as he spoke, ”Im sorry.”

”You always are.” I was shaking as I looked him over. He was sitting on the edge of his desk, still blocking that drawer. I turned to steel. ”Move. Now.”

He lifted his brow, head shaking with disappointment. Still facing me, he stepped to the side and opened the drawer. ”Fine.”

It rolled open on smooth tracks, its own momentum keeping it sliding even after Gages hand was gone. The manila folders in the front were in neat order, all lined up and labeled.

”Dont mess it up. But look at whatever the h.e.l.l you need to believe what I say.”

The heaviness in his voice weighed on me, but I crouched down on the b.a.l.l.s of my feet as I looked through the drawer. My finger trailed over the tops of the folders. Then I reached the last one and pulled them all forward to check behind it. There was a leather binder and small metal box.

I grabbed the box, lifting it out as if it might explode. Gage made some sound, but I didnt dare look up at him. It wasnt locked, and I undid the latch, opening it. Disappointment or relief knocked me down, so I sat on the ground. The box held business cards and sc.r.a.p pieces of papers with different names and numbers. Nothing more.

I took a few breaths, set the box back, and closed the drawer. Drained of fight, I looked up to him.

He sunk down and sat on the floor beside me. After a moment he b.u.mped me with his body. ”Feel better?”

I shook my head, silent. I felt sick.

”Im stopping. I promise.” He put his hand on my knee. ”I should have told you.”

”But you didnt.”

”I told you now, doesnt that count for something,” he was quick to respond.

I raised my knees up to rest my head on as I looked over at him with a shrug. ”I want it to. I hope it does. But...” I wrapped my arms around my legs, trying to bring warmth back to my limbs. ”Ive felt on the outside for so long now. This weekend has been better. I dont want to go back to before.”

He slipped his arm around my back, folding his body around me. ”This weekend has been good. Scary as f.u.c.k, but good.” He brought his fingers to my chin, raising my head to look at him. ”Having you around is always better. Im trying here. I really am.”

His eyes shown with the truth I should have seen before. He really was trying, but I still needed more.

”Youve done good here, and I liked having you close by.” He pressed his lips to forehead, speaking into my hair as he gripped me. ”We should keep this schedule on the weekends.”

It felt like I won by default. He lied, so I got my way. But either way, I was taking it. I let myself relax on him, too exhausted to pull away.

”Lets go home.” He tugged on my shoulders, lifting me up.

I grabbed his hand as I rose to my feet. ”Promise me something,” at his nod, I continued, ”Promise me, youll talk to me, tell me when youre struggling, let me help you. If you are close to using, let me know. If you use, let me know.”

He nodded, with a weight I couldnt ignore on his shoulders. ”I wont use. I promise Ill turn to you if I need to though. But right now, I need to go to bed and so do you. Its been a long night.”

I stood at the edge of the bed, watching him sleep. The lines in his jaw and brow were still there. It was those lines, proof that he couldnt find peace even in sleep, that had me skipping cla.s.ses and coming home early after dropping off my paper.