Part 17 (1/2)
He shook his head, looking away. ”Thats her problem. She shouldnt have been running her mouth.”
His dismissal took my breath away. I couldnt decide if he was that ignorant or that c.o.c.ky. ”Its all of our problem if he chooses to do something about it, to do something to you. We know hes not above using me and-”
”He wont do anything, not to me and sure as h.e.l.l not to you. That wont happen, I wont let it.”
I s.h.i.+vered against the chill that ran through me and wrapped my arms around myself. My thoughts werent in the moment though; they were stuck in the past.
Gages arms circled me, but couldnt take away the cold.
”Dont.” I pushed him off. ”Not now. Tell me what happened.”
He hesitated, watching me. ”Things were different then, Nikolai was in charge, and-my dad and Anatoli were on the same level. I was undefeated in the underground fight club they ran. I think Rusnak suspected, but he couldnt do anything about it except give me some s.h.i.+t jobs. Besides, he had his other girls distracting him. Hes never been faithful. The only reason they married was because of the connections her family offered. After she had the two kids, he stayed away, practically living with someone else.”
I put my hand up, silencing him. ”I dont care about their marriage right now. I want to hear what happened between you and her.”
”It was stupid.” He rubbed his hand over his hair, shutting his eyes with a groan. ”She had been coming to the fights, always around even when Anatoli wasnt-he rarely was. She was always telling me different ways she could help me, different opportunities she could give me. Nick warned me to stay the h.e.l.l away, that she was crazy. And I tried to. I ignored her mostly, but after one fight she was waiting for me in my room, naked.” He shrugged, glancing at me and then looking back at his hands. ”f.u.c.k, I was nineteen, charged from my win, and she was willing and ready. I knew I shouldnt, but I didnt care. I told Aaron, my father, and he told me to keep my mouth shut and not let it happen again. He mustve warned her too because she stopped showing up after that.”
”How old was she?”
He shrugged, ”Late twenties, I think.”
”And since then, now that shes back around, has there been anything else? Has she tried?”
He looked up at me, eyes shadowed, and nodded.
I curled deeper into myself, arms gripping tighter around my waist and stomach knotted with pain.
”Shes tried, but I made it clear that you were it for me.” He ran his hand along the covers between us, tips of his fingers grazing my leg. ”You are it for me. There will never be anyone else, you can trust that.”
I held still as his light touch charged my skin, making my heart race. But I needed him to continue his story. ”When?”
His hand froze. ”Last month, one night when I slept at the club. She had come in at closing and wasnt leaving. She suggested she would stay with me or I could go with her.” His eyes lifted to mine, capturing all my attention. ”I kicked her out. Nothing happened.”
My stomach churned with too much information and warring emotions.
”There was only one other time.” His voice was quiet and the warning in it made me sick. ”When I was in Florida, when you were...when they took you.”
I closed my eyes against the avalanche of fear those few words caused. I couldnt think of that time without being buried by it, trapped in it.
”I had to go through with the s.h.i.+pment, and we used her familys boats. Once it came through and they told me where I could find you, I was going to leave. But Anatoli wanted me to stay and deliver it to Baltimore. She tried to stop me. She threw herself at me, and when that didnt work, she tried to trap me there. I snapped and pulled a gun on her to get her out of my way. Crazy thing is I think Anatoli told her to do that.”
”Why would he do that?”
”His priority is business. He has no real care for anyone in his life. If he thought she could get me to stay, hed use it to his advantage. Thats why I dont think we have to worry about this. h.e.l.l need me when, or if, he gets out” His voice was level, but his jaw clenched and fists curled. His eyes cast to the floor, seeing something else. ”And hes already gotten even for it.”
”Oh.” His words slammed into my thoughts, my time with Rusnak suddenly taking on new meaning.
He turned to look at me, anger melting from his features. ”Im sorry. I didnt mean to go there, to bring that up.” One large hand gripped my leg from above the covers, and when I stayed still, he released his breath. ”I should have told you. Im sorry I didnt. Its not that I was keeping it from you, I would have told you if we ever brought up the past, but I know you dont like to talk about any of that.” He grabbed my hand. ”Babe, look at me. I love you. I will tell you anything you want to know. Please, do you still trust me? Where is your head at with this?”
I chewed on my lip and met his begging gaze. He looked so honest, like safety I could take shelter in. And I needed shelter, shadows hid in my thoughts.
”I hate it.” I closed my eyes against the stinging visions of them together, like broken gla.s.s around my heart. ”I hate that she knows that part of you, that youve touched her. I hate that she was the one to tell me.” I took a deep breath, opening my eyes to look at him. ”But I have no right to be so angry. It happened before me. Since weve met, Ive done worse to you.” I placed my hand over his. ”But you forgave me.” I ran my fingers over his and then laced our hand together. ”And youre right, I never wanted to talk about the past, but...I think we need to start.”
He nodded and slid beside me on the bed so his back was to the headboard, his fingers still wrapped with mine. ”Ill tell you anything.”
I was numb, but I wanted to keep him talking, let his voice rea.s.sure me until I felt okay, even for a moment. ”What was it like growing up in this, with your Dad?”
Gages eyes dropped to where my hand was pressed against my stomach. ”It wasnt bad, but it wont be the same for our baby. This may be the life I lead, but he wont. h.e.l.l go to college and do something else.”
I wanted to believe but didnt, and he must have seen the doubt.
”Viktor and Anatoli both have kids. They go to prestigious boarding schools, and Viktors daughter is at some college in England. It can be done.”
My smile flickered, but I couldnt maintain it. ”I dont want to send her or him away to boarding school.”
”Me neither.” He put his free hand over mine on my stomach. ”But well send him to a good private school here in the city.”
In the city. Thinking of this babys future made me sad, and I didnt want that. I wanted to be hopeful, like Gage, but didnt know how. He had grown up in this though, maybe he knew better than me. I wanted to believe that.
My eyes traveled from his hand, still pressed to my stomach, up his bare arm to the dark ink swirling over his skin. The entire top half of his arm was covered in a storm, small tattoos blended in with storm clouds, and the lightning bolts were the only bare skin seen. The details were beautiful. Moving my hand from under his, I traced his fathers name within one dark cloud.
”You loved your father? Even though he got you in all this? Started all of this?”
”Yes,” he answered quick, and his hand fell away from my stomach, grabbing the tattoo I was just tracing. ”He did the best he could. He got me involved but...” He shook his head. ”He also saved me. If I didnt get in with them, I would have turned to some others on the street. I would have done whatever needed to be done to get away from my mom, and I had to get Dexter out too.”
”When he was alive, it was family-Him and Nick and Silas. But when he died, it all fell apart. Nikolai went to prison and everything changed.” He looked down, shaking off the sadness pulling on him. ”If I blame anyone, it would be my mom. But I dont, not really.”
”Your mom might know who my father is.” My own voice surprised me; I hadnt planned on saying that.
Gage pulled me to look at him with hands on my hips. ”What? When did she say that?”
I couldnt meet his eyes. ”When I was in Vegas. She said she knew my-Angela. She worked with her, and before Angela was with Nikolai, she had some guy Jared around. But when she realized I didnt know any of this, she stopped talking and said she didnt know anything.” I could feel the intensity of his gaze but couldnt bring myself to look at him. ”Its stupid, its not like he was there for me. He hasnt contacted me. He doesnt care. I dont need to know who he is.”
Gage gripped my chin with his fingers, lifting it so I met his eyes. ”But you want to know? Its okay to want to know.”
Looking at him, I couldnt lie, and he pulled a truth I hadnt even admitted to myself. ”I want to know who he is, if he is.”
His lips pressed to mine for a second before he pulled back. ”Then you will. Ill help.”
19: Surrounded.
GAGE LEANED OUT HIS OFFICE DOOR, CELLPHONE headset attached to his ear.