Part 34 (1/2)
34: Hold On.
HIS HANDS KEPT MOVING, GIVING AWAY HIS nervousness. He slid them down my arm to grip my thighs, but his eyes stayed trained on me, watching me for a reaction.
But I already accepted what he said and faced it as the only option. I lifted my eyes from his strong grip and met his gaze. ”How will we do it?”
He let out a breath, tension releasing from his shoulders, but I couldnt stop the questions as my mind raced through a plan.
”How many are we talking about anyways? We need to start with a list, and then maybe we can get some of them together and-”
”Whoa, what are you talking about?” He sat up and squeezed my leg to stop my talking.
”The way out?” I questioned, slow and unsure, surprised by his confusion.
”What did you think I meant?”
”What did you mean?” The turn in conversation was both a relief and a fear. What else could he mean?
”I meant,” he looked around the cabin of the plane, no one was in sight, but he dropped his voice, ”we have to die-as far as everyone else is concerned.”
”Oh.” I sat back against the seat, unsure if this was better or worse than what I had imagined.
”Jesus, you thought I meant to kill everyone else?” He sounded so shocked, and it rubbed me the wrong way.
I shrugged, not looking towards him. ”I thought its what you do.”
”And you would have been willing to go along with that?”
I peeked back at him; he was near laughing.
He dropped his smile and nodded. ”So maybe there are two ways we could do this.” He pushed a strand of my hair behind my ear, s.h.i.+fting my face to meet his. ”But lets save your plan as a backup. Its a little more dangerous.”
”All right, but your plan means never seeing Dexter and his family again.”
He nodded, a heaviness in his expression. ”Were only just talking right now. We dont have to do any of this, not if you dont want to. But if you want to move forward with this, we need to get a tight plan, and thats going to take time. While were talking, its all only ideas, nows the time to speak up.”
I met his gaze with a direct stare, letting him see my determination. ”Im not backing out.”
”Of course youre not.” His hands slid around my hips as he pulled me to him and lifted me onto his lap. One hand slid into my hair, tugging it back so I was facing him. ”I should never underestimate you. You are...” He closed his eyes, forehead dropping to mine. ”I dont even know. I dont know what to expect. One minute youre running from me, then youre willing to kill for me, and I-I” his voice dropped to a breathy whisper, tickling the skin at my ear as he tightened his hold. ”Im afraid to blink. Im afraid youll disappear again.”
I let my fingers wander up his chest, to his face, fingertips grazing the coa.r.s.e stubble at his cheeks. It all felt so close, everything Ive wanted was on the tips of my fingers, I just had to grab it and hold on to it. But I was afraid, too, afraid of the reality of it. Of him. Maybe Id always imagined him as more than he was, more than he could give.
I sucked in air, inhaling him and his clean scent, his sweet taste, this moment. With our heads still pressed together, I absorbed his warmth and spoke just as soft as he had, ”I dont understand it either. I dont understand myself. Everything just got too much to handle.” I gripped the back of his neck, keeping him from pulling away. I needed to say this in the safety of his hold, without his eyes on me. ”Everything around us hurt. And I ran, but it didnt make anything better. It was all worse without you. I was worse. I kept thinking I needed more time, but that only made it hurt worse. What I needed was you. Ive been so empty because youre my heart and soul. I can feel that, right now.”
His lips brushed over mine, feathery soft as he crossed his arms around my back and pulled me to him as tight as possible.
I dropped my head to his chest, breaking our kiss. I had more to say. ”But I cant go back to what we had either. This taught me, as bad as it hurts, I can live without you. And I will if we dont do this different this time.”
He sighed, his cheek rubbing against the top of my hair. ”Its going to be different. Im not letting you go this time.” His hands were firm as they moved up and down my waist and back, the need in them seeping into me. ”Ive missed everything about you, but holding you like this...this is whats driven me mad, imagining never touching you again, seeing you again, talking to you again.” His lips brushed my hair, his hands sweeping around to pull my legs up over his lap so he was cradling me against his chest. ”Imagining you hurt, or worse.” His hands were everywhere, touching every part of me in soft caresses that pulled me out, inch by inch. I returned the touches, hands on his chest, arm, hair, back, trying to ease the hurt I heard in his voice. ”Imagining someone else holding you like this. Its been torture. Every thought of you was torture. But I couldnt stop.”
”It was the same for me.” I looked into his eyes. ”Except Id see you sometimes, and those glimpses of your life tormented me. I saw you were arrested, was it because of me?”
His hand froze at my waist, eyes narrowing. ”When I was arrested at the club in New Orleans? You were there?”
”No. I saw you on TV after. What happened?”
”Anatoli and Alessandra sent Ian and Cherry to make a business deal-”
”You and Rusnak are working together again?” Last I saw they wanted to kill each other.
”We put our differences aside for business, Viktor made that happen. But when I found out where their meeting was, I went. I kept thinking maybe it had something to do with you. But...” He shook his head, leveling me with a look that left no room for doubt in his words, words that were no longer gentle but forceful with truth. ”I told you I was going crazy. And I snapped. I cant go back to that. I wont give this up again. Ill do anything for you, just promise, you mean forever too. Because after this, all well have is each other.”
I tightened my grip on him, nodding into his neck, scared at how little I actually cared about anything else. All I wanted was him, all of him. I didnt know if it was really possible, but I would die trying. ”I promise. Ill do anything for us to be together away from all of this.”
”Good. We both will. Well both do whatever it takes.”
I could get lost in his kiss as his gentle but dominating and firm lips covered mine, sinking into me. I gladly submitted, leaning back as he laid me out on the couch, body moving over mine.
”Babe.” His lips dragged to my neck as he spoke, his voice vibrating on my skin. ”I love you. I love you. I love you.” He kept repeating it between kisses on my skin as he slid my s.h.i.+rt off my shoulders.
And I said it back, returning the kisses, and touches, and peeling his clothes off him. I reached for him, finally grabbing the man at the tip of my fingers. Then we found other ways to say I love you, without words, in a hundred different little ways. I just hoped one of them was enough, enough to defeat my own demons and give me the strength to hold on to this man, this time. Or that he could hang on to me.
The next several days were spent planning. In our own little bubble, it was easy to imagine it working. It was also easy to forget why it needed to work when he hadnt let any of the outside in yet, somehow keeping us both away from the outside world.
Hed brought home bags, the type you would get from a blood bank and needles and syringes. If we were to make it believable, there needed to be blood, our blood. And lots of it. So we had to start collecting it.
”This might pinch.” He slid the needle out of my arm and held a cotton ball on top of the small puncture.
He replaced the cotton ball with a Band-Aid and then placed a kiss over it.
”When will we do this?” I absently rubbed my hand over the spot.
”Soon. This wont last that long, even with the preservatives in it.” He took the bag of my blood to the refrigerator. ”Unless, youre changing your mind?”
”Stop saying that. Im not changing my mind.” I eyed him as he walked back over to me. ”Are you?”
He shook his head and sat on the couch next to me, his hand gripping my thigh. ”No.”