Part 13 (1/2)

”I'd be lying if I said that wasn't fun.” Matt smiled at me. I knew he meant the part about us kissing more than the part where we ran from the cops. I was completely leading him on by making out with him on top of his grave like that. G.o.d, what was happening to me?

”Look, about what happened...I'm confused. I don't know how to handle this double life I'm living right now.”

”You still have feelings for me.” He said it so matter-of-factly.

”Yes, I do. I won't deny that, but I love Alex. I can't deny that, either. I need time to make sense of what's going on with me.” I leaned my head back on the shed. ”I need you to stop kissing me. I can't control myself around you.”

”Yes, you can. There have been plenty of times that you stopped me from kissing you-before all this and now.”

That was true. Before I ran away with Alex, Matt and I had missed out on plenty of opportunities to kiss each other, and mostly because of me. And there was the incident outside the grocery store. I'd resisted the urge to kiss him then.

”You gave in to that kiss in the cemetery because you wanted to kiss me. I know you won't kiss me without wanting to, and I'm not about to stop you if it's what you want.”

Man, that was confusing. ”You think I brought that on in the cemetery? That was all you.”

”You didn't stop me. You kissed me back.”

”I know, but you started it. You have to stop that. If I kiss you first, then have at it. Go nuts. I give you permission. But if I don't, please...”

I hated putting these rules on our relations.h.i.+p. It wasn't fair to him. It wasn't fair to Alex. h.e.l.l, it wasn't even fair to me. I was losing it.

”Is this a game to you?” He looked beyond hurt.

”No. I know I'm s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g up royally. I suck at being two people. You don't deserve this.”

”Want to make it up to me?”

Now if it were Alex who'd asked that, I'd a.s.sume he wanted to make out again. But Matt wasn't Alex. He had more self-control, most of the time anyway.

”What can I do?”

”Make me a sandwich. This Brian guy has the same appet.i.te I had.”

I laughed, relieved he'd said something to break the tension.

”Your mom should be at work, right? I didn't see her car in the driveway.”

”Yeah. We can go in the back way. There's a hidden key in the lantern.”

Matt stood up and gave me his hand. Always the gentleman. He followed me to the back door, and I reached inside the lantern for the spare key. Even though I knew Mom wasn't home, my hands shook as I turned the key in the lock. I was going inside my house for the first time since I'd killed my mom and Alex had brought her back to life. How different would my home look? Would my room still be the same? Would there be any evidence at all that I'd lived here?

Matt put his hand on my shoulder, as if he knew exactly what I was thinking. ”I'm right here with you.”

I nodded and turned the doork.n.o.b. The kitchen looked the same. The table was set with four green placemats. The counter still had a bowl of fresh fruit. That was a good sign. Mom had moved on, continued to live without me.

I walked to the refrigerator and pulled it open. I gasped when I saw several packages of chicken, more green peppers than I could count, and two bags of onions.

”What's wrong? You look like you saw a ghost.”

Yeah, the ghost of our last meal together-or at least the meal we'd been preparing when I'd cut myself and bled on Mom, stopping her heart.

”She keeps making the meal we were cooking the night...” I couldn't say it.

”Maybe it's not as bad as you're thinking. There's some steak in there, too. Maybe the chicken and stuff is just her way of keeping you around, you know? Remembering the good times.”

”Except it wasn't a good time.” My throat burned as I sucked back the tears, refusing to let them out. ”She died, and I left.”

”Does she know she died?”

”I don't know. Alex brought her back, and we left before she came to.”

”So, maybe she's making the meal over and over, hoping you'll come back.”

Ugh, this was torture. Worse than I'd thought.

”You could tell her the truth. I believed you. She's your mom. I'm sure she'll believe you, too. You could get a second chance. We both could.”

I closed the refrigerator door and walked over to the table, slumping into one of the wooden chairs. ”Please, don't use this to try to make me choose you.”

”You know that's not what I'm doing.”

I did know that. It wasn't Matt's style. He genuinely wanted me to be happy, to have another chance with my mom, to be human again.

I had to know how far this went. How much my mom was holding on to the memory of me. I stood up, letting the chair squeak across the floor.

”Where are you going?” Matt's eyes darted back and forth between mine.

”My room.”

”Are you sure that's a good idea?”

I didn't care at that point. I had to know. I took the stairs two at a time, with Matt right behind me. My bedroom door was shut. I hesitated. Thankfully, Matt didn't push or try to convince me not to do this. He waited patiently, letting me make up my own mind.

I counted to twenty and opened the door. Immediately, I felt the slight breeze coming from the open window. I'd always kept it open, even in the dead of winter. Mom was continuing to do the same. My bed was made, and my desk still had my schoolbooks strewn across it. She hadn't touched them.

I walked to the closet, noticing the faint stain on the off-white carpet from when I'd bled on it while trying to catch the rat I'd brought back to life. As I remembered Mom and me working together, huddled on my bed, trying to catch the thing, I broke down. I fell to the floor, sinking into my misery.

Matt rushed to me and rocked me back and forth in his arms. He smoothed my hair and whispered, ”It's okay. Get it out.”

I had a lot to get out. I cried huge tears, ones that sucked the air out of my lungs and made me choke. I felt my nose run, but I didn't care. The pain inside me was too much. I had to get it out, like Matt said.

We sat like that for hours, until I'd cried every last tear inside me. Then, we stared out the window, not saying a word. I didn't move at all. I let my body go numb, tuning out feeling to every part of my body. Matt stayed silent, letting me handle this my own way.

Finally, I heard the sound of tires pulling up the driveway. Mom! The little girl inside me wanted to go running down the stairs and throw myself into her arms, but I knew that wouldn't be a good idea. I would never be able to leave her again. Still, could I leave things the way they were? She obviously wasn't getting over losing me.

”Jodi, come on. We'll slip out the window.” Matt was on his feet, holding his hand out to me.