Chapter Forty-Nine (1/2)

Chapter Forty-Nine

That barbeque made Chase and I realize just how little we talked to people. Since my parents died Riley and I had pushed people away and became introverted, which in turn made Monica and Chase suffer.

Monica always pulled herself back to be there for Riley and now that I know how Chase has felt about me since we were kids, I know he did the same for me. That was far from fair to them and now Riley and I owned it to the ones we loved to stop that for them.

After seeing how many people came for our wedding and then again to share in Chase and my great news, it was a big eye opener. We had amazing friends and family who loved us and cared. Being pregnant changed my entire perspective on life. The lifestyle I was living now wouldn't be healthy for our kids. They needed other kids, playdates and to be exposed to all kinds of people.

Riley was lucky Monica made sure the girls were always playing with their cousins on her side.

I kept saying and thinking that I wanted to be at least half the mother mine was, but in order to do that I needed to stop being this scared girl and be the woman she raised me to be. We were never short or lacking on life experiences. Living in multiple countries, the things we saw and learned, the people we met; the four of us were truly blessed.

To add to that, Chase and I kept things a secret for months and spent a lot of time indoors, more specifically the bedroom. While it was highly satisfying and I don't regret it, it wasn't idea for kids.

My children deserved the world in my eyes and for that to happen, we needed to change. Work was a priority, but I also took the opportunities to meet friends for lunch when our schedules matched. Rochelle and I went to classes together to try to get some exercise in and birthing classes.

Monica and Rochelle have been through this before, every day I grew more terrified of childbirth. Monica was great on trying to help, everytime we talked about it I felt more like a wimp. She did this at sixteen years old, I can do it at nearly twenty-six; I think.

At now twenty-eight weeks; I was ready for this to be over. The joy and cuteness of the kicking and knowing there's a baby growing in me was dim. I had two near full grown children in my stomach, I couldn't tie my shoes and I had to go to a salon to have myself groomed because I can't do that myself either.

Everyone talks about the joys of pregnancy, but no one ever tells you the gross and awful parts. They talk about having to pee every five seconds, not when you have minor accidents and feel like a child again. The heartburn is murder and there are some days I want to sit and cry because my legs are cramping so badly. There are times where I feel like I'm just always sweating and my poor feet look as terrible as they feel.

Not to mention I am now the size equivalent of a whale and Chase breathing seems to piss me off. He hasn't gotten laid in a couple months now and I feel as guilty as I do annoyed. I am pretty much a raging bitch, yet Chase hasn't stopped trying to make me happy; I was awful.

The painter came to finally get the nursery done, he painted different shades of blue and pink on the walls and I stared at them, broke down in tears and finally got out the words to tell the two men staring at me like I was a nuclear bomb how much I hated it.

Could this room be a bigger cliché? Royal theme with pink and blue; it was terrible.

”How about green and yellow; two neutral colors for the mixed gender twins.” Clyde was kind and thankfully didn't get angry or take offense.

”I like green, It's my favorite color. How about purple, purple goes well with green.” It also slipped into my mind that it was my mothers' favorite color and that I inherited mine from my father.

”I can bring back more samples tomorrow, if that works for you two and we can talk more. When my wife had our two kids I had to paint the entire room four times with our first daughter and twice with our second. You're first time parents and having both; I can understand. I'll leave these two up in case you want to stay with one and we'll figure it out. You do have a little bit of time.” For him to be so kind about it, that really meant a lot to me.

”Thank you, we'll be here.” Chase shook his hand and then took me to meet Rochelle for our massage. I was at a point where I wasn't comfortable driving and thankfully that was a decision I could make. Chase tried so hard to help me and make me more comfortable, but it just wasn't working anymore. He scheduled me to go at least once a week, so I took advantage of that and made Rochelle come and get a couples massage done with me.

It was great bonding time and something that didn't only have to be done with your significant other, I've thought about coming with Monica too; it's a great bonding experience. This helped my leg twitching and restless leg syndrome that has made itself apparent lately.

We discussed classes, how I was planning to deliver my kids and lunch plans. She got nosy on how mine and Chase's sex life had been with the pregnancy and we discussed hers as well. There were no lines for her and I. I do try hard to be there for Monica in that was as well, it's just icky to think of my brother. So I don't, objectively I know that Rochelle and I have been her best friends for years, it's not really fair to make her filter herself when we don't.

This has been a new revelation for me as well. With how I treat Chase at times, I've realized how selfish I've been in a lot of ways to I'm taking advantage of this change in my life to be the kind of person I would want Maria to be, the kind of woman her namesake was.

All in all, life was insane with work, my body and my emotions. It was crazy with friends, family and all the decision I still had to make. I felt like we had been sucked up into a tornado; life was in chaos, hectic and it was a whirlwind.

Sometimes weeks felt more like days and then at the same time I had to struggle to get through the week and every hour felt painful. It was speeding by and going too slow. I felt like I was missing out on so much with my pregnancy when I sat there complaining about it. It was selfish of me to take it all for granted. There were times I just felt like a rich and spoilt brat because there were women out there working their asses off, lifting and getting shit done when I just wanted to complain about all the things that were happening to me.

No matter how hard I tried I just felt like I was failing.. There were women handing pregnancy with such grace and I just wasn't.

”What's wrong, Angel?” Chase asked when I was quiet at dinner but I couldn't figure out what to say, he would never understand because he's not a woman.

”Just tired.” That wasn't a lie.

”Which is normal you know.” Every little kick now just drained my energy, Chase doesn't dare sit there making them kick now. When I look at me stomach and think about the human body, I sit here wondering how one human forms let alone how there's room for two, three, four or god even five.

”Yeah I know, I just thought the excitement of us finally having a baby would carry me through.” He shrugged and pulled me to my feet. Never would I dare to leave dishes on the table like that under normal circumstances, but I found myself letting him pull me to the bedroom.

”I know you're tired, just let me take care of you baby girl.” Usually my immediate response would be to get frustrated for trying because, well didn't he know how tired I was? Or I would just say not today but deep down, not that deep even; I missed the intimacy.

”Chase.” But I didn't even know what I wanted to say.