Part 6 (1/2)

”I'm okay,” I say, trying to force my voice to sound normal.

That's my go-to response. I'm fine. I'm okay. Everything's great. But nothing's great. Everything sucks. My fake smile slips from my face. ”Okay, I'm lying. I'm not okay. I didn't expect this. I'm not sure what to do.”

Strictland looks at me with such compa.s.sion that it's hard to maintain her gaze and not cry. ”Come with me.” Lowering her hand, she turns away, and I follow her back to her office.

When I was first in here, I thought she was a deranged cat lady. There are kitty cat statues and pictures everywhere, and I mean everywhere. Little plastic kittens hang playfully from the lights, ceramic orange cats sit on her shelves, there are cross-st.i.tched kitties on the chairs, and on her desk cat frames surround more pictures of real housecats. Seriously. It's scary. Eventually, I found out that she had been the victim of a prank and left the cat theme in place when she realized it scared the c.r.a.p out of people. She has an interesting sense of humor.

I lower myself onto a st.i.tched kitty and lean back into the chair. Strictland walks behind her desk and sits down. ”Sidney, I know today was hard for you. Have you lost anyone before, dear?”

I nod and keep my hands folded tightly in my lap. ”Yes.”

She nods slowly, waiting for me to elaborate, but I don't. There are things I won't say, secrets I won't tell. I can't talk about it. Not now, not ever. ”Well, you can talk to a counselor about it and work through the stages of grief. It's better that you're not alone in this. We're all going to miss him.” I nod. ”How was the freshmen cla.s.s this morning?”

I glance up at her. ”They were all right. Dr. Granz continued with the lesson.” I pause and decide to just blurt it out. ”Is there any way that I could get transferred to another professor?”

Strictland looks surprised. She leans forward and places her hands on top of her desk. ”Why? Is something wrong? Did Dr. Granz-”

”No,” I say, quickly backtracking. ”It's just that I don't think that I can manage to sit in Tadwick's office every day. It'd be so much better if I could work for someone else.” I'm lying. Sort of. I don't want to sit there with Peter every day. I don't want to look up at him and remember his hands on me, and I sure as h.e.l.l don't want to remember him throwing me out.

Dr. Tadwick shakes her head. ”I'm sorry, Sidney, but all the TA jobs have been a.s.signed for months now. There are no other positions. You'll have to figure out how to deal with this loss, and I'm sure Dr. Granz will be happy to help you, unless you're resigning?” Her eyes widen as she looks at me. The last thing she wants to do is hire and train a new TA in the middle of the year.

”No, I'm not resigning. I need this job.” I look at my hands, at the way the nail polish that was so neat last night has been chipped away. Images from the previous evening flash across my mind. I see Peter's eyes and hear his voice echo inside my head. The sensation of his hands searing my skin and his teasing kiss rushes back. I press my lips together and shut the memory out. I'm going to have to suck it up. Peter is a part of my life now, whether I want him there or not.

CHAPTER 6

I'm a nervous wreck by the time I get to lunch. Before finding my regular table with Millie and Tia, I walk into the cafeteria and grab some food. I navigate my way through hordes of students, and sit down next to Millie at a long table in front of the windows. This entire side of the cafeteria is windows. The school sunk a b.u.t.tload of money into the view. There's a lot of brick work, flowers, and super green gra.s.s. Seriously, it's too green. I thought it was plastic at first. Everything around here is that sickly shade of yellow that comes from a general lack of water. There's been a drought here for the past three years, and it's easy to tell. That's why this little garden stands out. It's completely out of place, but it looks good when prospective students sit down.

When I sit down, Millie's picking at a salad as though one piece of lettuce might be tastier than another. There's no dressing on it. She eats it dry. My plate has a corndog and fries. Bad days call for foods that are bad for your b.u.t.t. I dip my dog into ketchup and take a bite. I'm not that hungry, but maybe eating something will help me feel better.

Tia looks at me like I'm eating asphalt off the road with a side of squirrel. I snap, ”What?”

”Nothing,” Tia responds, glancing down at her own plate.

Millie sighs and glances at me. ”What's wrong? You seem off-balance.” She stabs another piece of salad and turns the leaf over, examining it, before popping it in her mouth.

”Nothing.” Everything. ”Today is just turning into c.r.a.p, that's all.” My favorite teacher died. I nearly slept with a guy last night, but he blew me off. Oh, and he's my new boss. What a train wreck.

Tia choses that moment to say, ”I heard Tadwick's replacement already called you into his office. What'd you do?”

”Way to be tactless, Tia.” Millie scolds, shaking her head and spearing more greens onto her fork.

”Who told you that?” I ask, not caring that Tia's blunt.

”Marshal. He was in a mood after cla.s.s. He said something about how you p.i.s.sed off Dr. Grant-”

”Granz,” I correct.