Part 28 (1/2)
”Yes. Some of it's even my fault. Just as you can't keep blaming your parents, I can't keep blaming you. I need to get on with my life. I need to stop imagining us in ways that will never be.”
”I know.”
”You do look great.”
”I'm sure you think so.”
”I do.”
”It's good we talked about it, isn't it?” she asked.
”Yes, I think it is.” Unconvincing.
”At least everything's in the open now.”
He nodded, as rea.s.suringly as possible.
”I should be going,” Rachel said, looking at her watch.
Usually, she would leave first, and he would wait and catch a different train. He had always thought the precaution silly, but today he was only too glad to steal a few extra minutes of warmth. He watched her put on her scarf and coat. She moved slowly, sadly. She held her hat and gloves in her hand, turned to him, and asked, ”Can I still call?”
”You still want to?”
”Yes. I want us to always be friends. Real friends.”
”We are.”
”And you're not mad at me?”
”No more than I am at myself. I'll get over it.”
She put her hat and gloves on just as she exited the door. He ordered another hot chocolate, and thought about their conversation, wondering if he would ever see her again. In his mind he knew he would be okay if he didn't, for he realized he needed to move on. But in his heart, well, that was another matter altogether.
CHAPTER 35.
At a few minutes past 7:00 p.m., Rachel and Binny Frankel finished dinner. Rachel started clearing the table, and Binny went to the closet for his coat. He was heading back to the yes.h.i.+va for the evening, and would return in about two hours. He used to love the yes.h.i.+va's evening study sessions-a requirement for all rabbinical students-but as of late his preference was being home with his wife.
He came into the kitchen and kissed her good-by. ”I'll be home soon,” he said.
She smiled. His love for her made her happy, and at moments like this she wished that could be enough. But it wasn't. Having things out with Joshua had cleared the air, so-to-speak, but she wondered if she'd really resolved anything, or if she ever would. She knew she couldn't rid her life of Joshua. She'd given up too much already, too many of her dreams, but the duplicity was killing her.
After finis.h.i.+ng the dishes, she felt unusually fatigued. Her pregnancy often made her tired, especially at night, but this was something else. She decided to go upstairs and lie down for a few minutes. She could make her phone calls and tidy up the house later. She walked toward the stairway and began to feel faint. She held the banister as she started up the stairs, but halfway up she felt she couldn't continue. Fearful of pa.s.sing out, she clutched the banister and leaned against the wall. A strange sensation ran down her leg as she reached unsteadily to lift her skirt. She gasped at the sight of blood trailing down to the bottom of the stairs. Petrified, she struggled up to her bedroom for the phone, but never made it.
She awoke in the hospital. Her father, mother, and Binny were at her side. ”What happened?” she managed.
”Nothing. You're okay. Thank G.o.d you're okay,” she heard her mother say.
”The baby?” she asked.
”Everything is okay, you're going to be fine.” Again, her mother's voice.
”But the baby?”
No one answered.
”Oh my G.o.d,” she screamed. ”Oh my G.o.d!”
”Don't worry,” her father said, grasping her hand. ”Don't upset yourself. You need your strength.”
She read the anguish on Binny's face. ”I'm sorry Binny,” she cried, ”please forgive me.”
He reached out and touched her. ”It's okay Rachel,” he said, fighting his own tears. ”Everything will be fine.”
”I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry,” she repeated.
Binny and Hannah started to cry.
”There's no reason to be sorry,” her father offered.
She was deaf to the world, lost in her anguish. ”I'm sorry,” she repeated through her tears. ”Forgive me!”
They didn't understand, they couldn't understand. Why was she blaming herself? But she understood. Only too well. For it was truly her fault; she had killed her baby, and it was no different than if she had used a knife. Her day of judgment had arrived, and with it the wrath of an angry, vengeful G.o.d. He'd been watching all along, just as she'd always been taught. Nothing is hidden from Him, a fact that had never been so compelling as it was now.
You shall not chase after your heart and your eyes, after the things for which you l.u.s.t.
She had ignored everything she'd ever believed in, and had placed earthly desire above the purity of her soul. And now she was paying the price.
”Forgive me!”
She loathed herself for her iniquities.
”Forgive me!”
She loathed G.o.d for His harshness.
”Forgive me!”
She loathed Binny and her parents for her own inadequacy.
”Forgive me!”
She loathed Joshua for her agony. She would never see him again!
During her first week home, her mood remained unchanged. Her mother stayed with her. Binny and her father were around all the time, and Esther visited daily. Rachel seldom left her room, and didn't say much to anyone. They catered to her and tried to cheer her up, but she was intent on her suffering.
One evening, after about two weeks, she finally came down and joined the others for dinner. She didn't talk much, but it was a good sign. The next day, in the afternoon, she was sitting in the living room with Esther. Her mother had gone marketing.