Part 12 (1/2)

Yea there's Squire Clearpurse, with his Princely companion, who keep alwaies six and thirty Game-c.o.c.ks at nurse by the Master of the Pit; never goes away from thence, before he hath got, by his ordinary dunghill c.o.c.k that runs about the streets, and without false spurs too, half a score Crown-pieces, and as much more as will pay his reckoning in his pocket. But if they both begin to appear with their Shake-bags, then it is, Stand clear Gentlemen, here comes the honour of the Pit; and then the Master of the Pit must have out of each Battel for Sharpning the Spurs, and clipping of the neck feathers, half a Ginny; and then when the Battels ended, he brings into the reckoning half a Crown _extra_ for Brandy, Salve, and cheris.h.i.+ng and chafing it by the fire, &c. But for this, they have the honour also to be in the Chamber with the princ.i.p.allest Gentlemen, to sit in the best places of the Pit; to turn the hour-gla.s.s and like prudent Aldermen, in the presence of all the Auditors, to give their judgements touching the contending parties; where there are generally more Consultations, Advices, and Sentences, held and p.r.o.nounced, then are to be found or heard of in the princ.i.p.allest Law-books or Statutes of the Kingdom.

It would be here an everlasting shame; if the Conqueror, like a n.i.g.g.ard, should carry all this mony home; therefore the greatest part must be given and generously spent with the company. This is the duty of every one, whose c.o.c.k hath beaten anothers out of the Pit, and went away Crowing like a Conqueror. Nay, what's matter if it were all spent, its no such great peece of business; the honours more worth then the mony.

In the mean while it grows late in the night, and the good woman, with the Table covered, sits longing, telling every minute, and hoping for the coming home of him, who seems to find and take more pleasure in c.o.c.kfighling, then like a brave Game-c.o.c.k himself to enter into the Pit with his Wife. O most contrary and miserable Pleasure of marriage on the mens side.

But amongst these c.o.c.k-Merchants, I am of opinion, there's none hath more pleasure then the Master of the Pit; because he gets more for the feeding, clipping, salving, and anointing of them, &c. then ten good Nurses, and put them all together. And moreover he hath all the pleasure for nothing, and is mighty observant to feed and tickle their fancies, and obey their commands, that their delight therein may the more and more increase, and the reckoning also be ne'r a whit the less.

And these Lovers and Gentlemen are no sooner departed, but he laies him down very orderly in a very fas.h.i.+onable Bedstead, hung round about the Curtains and Vallians with Hens-Eg-shels suck'd out. But if he did, for the same purpose, suck out all the c.o.c.ks-Egshels, it would be a much more rare and pleasant sight.

There is yet another sort of men, which we in like manner find, that consume their time, neglect their occasion, and spend their mony with Dog-fighting, Bull and Bear-baiting, as the c.o.c.k-Merchants do with c.o.c.k-fighting. One way that they take pleasure in, is to bring their Dogs together, and there fight them for a Wager of five, or ten pound, and somtimes more; which mony must be set or stak'd down, though they hardly know how to find as much more again in the whole World, and there the poor Dogs by biting and tearing one anothers skins and flesh in pieces, for the pleasure of their fantastical Masters; and if the Wager be, in the least manner to be contradicted, then too't they go themselves, and thump and knock one another till they look more like beasts then men.

This being done, the next meeting is, to try their Bear and Bull-Dogs at the Bear Garden; the match being made, all their wits must be screw'd up to the highest, how to get mony to make good their wagers; though Wife, House and Family should sink in the mean while: Then away they go with their Tousers and Rousers to the Bear-garden, and then the Bull being first brought to the stake, the Challenger lets fly at her, and the Bull perceiving the Dog coming, slants him under the belly with her horns, and tosses him as high as the Gallerys, this is much laught at; but his Master, very earnestly and tenderly, catching him in the fall, tries him the second time, when he comes off with little better success: Then his Adversary lets loose his Dog at the Bull, who running close with his belly to the ground, fastens under the Bulls nose by the skin of the under-lip; the Bull shaking and roaring to get him loose, but he holds faster and faster; then up flie caps and hats, shouting out the excessive joy that there is for this most n.o.ble victory.

Now comes the Bear dogs, being stout swinging Mastives; and the Bearard having brought the Bear to the Stake, unrings him, and turns him about, so that he may see the Dog, that's to play at him; the Challenger lets fly his Dog, which being a cruel strong Cur rises up to the Bears nose, fastens and turns him topsy-turvy; there's no small joy and an eccho of Shouts that makes the very earth tremble; then there's pulling and hawling to get him off from the Bear: Then the Adversary let's fly his Dog, who coming to fasten, the Bear being furious and angry that he was so plagu'd with the first Dog, claps his paw about the back of him, and squeezes him that he howls and runs; there stands the Master, looking like an Owl in an Ivybush, to see the stakes drawn, and he haply with never a penny in his pocket, hath no mony at home, nor knows not where to get any. And that which vexeth him worst of all, is, that his delicate Dog is utterly spoil'd.

But we'l leave of these inhuman, and brutal stories; and rather relate the Confession of another sort of Men; who are generally of a longing temper, not much unlike to the big-bellied weak women; nay, sometimes do therein far surpas the Women: And altho they know that it is never so damagable or hurtfull unto them, yet dare boldly say:

_When Women long, it harms by chance, But mens desire's a worser dance._

And in this they are both bold and shameless, clear contrary to Women-kind; in so much that they without fear or terror, dare, at noon day, say to their Pot-companions: I have a mighty mind to a pipe of Tabacco, come lets go to the Sun, half Moon, or to the Golden Fleece, and smoke a pipe: where they rip up such a multiplicity of discourse, and consume so much time and Tabacco; that if they tasted neither beer nor wine, they might with all reason be upbraided to be debauch'd persons. But it would be a work as inexpressible as infinite to relate their longing appet.i.tes at all other times, to Musmillions, Seldry, Anchovis, Olives, or slubbring Caviart, with all their appurtenances.

Much more their liquorishness at Oisters, where they stand greedily swallowing them up in the open shops, not giving themselves time to send for them to a Tavern, and eat them decently.

If they did thus, in the presence of their Wives, they might have some pleasure of it also: But the content hereof seems to consist therein, that either alone, or with their Fraternity, they may thus l.u.s.tily satisfie their longing appet.i.tes.

Here we shall commend the Lovers of Tee, because they are willing to make use of it in the company of women; although there be now a daies so much formality used with it, and so much time idly spent in the consumption of it, that it seems almost as if this herb were found out, or brought over to no other purpose, then to be the occasion of an honest chatting-school, between men and women; where you may have intelligence of all that pa.s.ses betwixt married and unmarried persons throughout the whole City. And wo be to them that have the least symptom of a meazle upon their tongue, for the true lovers of Tee, are like unto the Suppers up of Coffy, and are the best News-Mongers for all things that happens in the City, yea almost in all Kingdoms; and when you hear the men speak seriously of such matters; it is as if they had the best correspondence for intelligence out of all Princes Courts; but especially, if this miracle be wrought thereby, that the Water be changed in to Wine.

Others, who love neither Tee nor Coffy, and yet are very desirous to know what pa.s.ses in the World; you may find mighty earnestly, for some hours, stand prating in the Booksellers Shops; alwaies asking what news is there, what Pamphlets, what Pasquils, what Plays, what Libels, or any of the like rubbish, is lately come out; and then they must buy and read them, let it cost what it will.

Here they make the sole balance of State-business. Here, with great prudence, discourse is held of the importantest State-affairs, and of the supreamest persons in authority; and in their own imaginations know more then both the Houses of Lords and Commons. Although they never sate in Councel with any of their Footmen. Nay they know to the weight of an ace, and can give a perfect demonstration of it, which of the three Governments is best, Monarchy, Anarchy, or Democracy. Which many times takes such a deep root and impression upon them, and touches them so to the very heart, that they absolutely forget the governing of their needfull affairs which they went out about; for when they come to the place where their occasions lay; they find the person either long before gone abroad, or so imploied with his own business, that he can hardly a quarter do that he ought to do.

'Tis true some soft natured women, that are as innocent as Doves, observe not these sort of actions and tricks; but suffer themselves easily to be fopt off by their husbands; or else by a gentle salutation are appeased; but others who are cunninger in the cares of their Shops and Families, can no waies take a view of these doings with eys of pleasure.

Yet this is nothing near the worst sort, and is naught else but a kind of a scabbiness that the most accomplishedst marriages are infected with. And verily if the husbands do thus neglect their times, and their Wives, in the meanwhile, like carefull Bees, are diligent in looking after their Shop and housekeeping; they ought, when they do come home to speak their minds somthing freely to them.

But the imaginary authority of men, many times surges to such height, that it seems to them insupportable, to hear any thing of a womans contradiction, thinking, that all what ever they do, is absolutely perfect and uncontrolable. And can, on the contrary, when their Wives go to the Shambles or Market, reckon to a minute in what time they ought to be back again: And wo be to them, if they do, according to the nature of women, stand and prattle here or there their time away, concerning Laces, Cookery, and other houshold occasions.

But you, O wel married Couple, how pleasant it is to see that you two agree so well together! That either is alike diligent and earnest in taking care of their charge. That your husband many times saith unto you his houswife, my Dear, it is a curious fair day, go walk abroad, and give a visit to some or other of your good acquaintance; I shall tarry at home the whole day, and will take sufficient care of all things, and in the evening come and fetch you home, &c. And you again in like manner, upon a good occasion, releeve your husband, and take delight in his walking abroad with some good friends to take his pleasure, and to recreate and refresh his tired sences.

If he be a little sickish of that distemper and that he will somtimes spend a penny upon a Libel or new Tiding; that is a great pleasure for you, because you know that the Booksellers and Printers must live; and every fool must have one or t'other bawble to play with.

You had great reason to be dissatisfied if he consumed his mony in the Tavern or with Tables. But you know that Ben Johnsons Poems, and Pembrooks Arcadia, did so inchant you, that they forc't the mony out of your Pocket; yet they serv'd you in your Maiden estate with very good instructions, and shewing you many Vertues. You may therefore think, that such men who desire to surge higher in knowledge, will have somthing also to be reading. And it is most certain, whilest they are busie with that, their Wives are free from being controled. 'Tis also undeniable, that men cannot alwaies be alike earnest in their affairs; for verily if they be so, they are for the most part great _Peep in the Pots_ and directers of their Wives, who have certainly their imperfections. And it is the princ.i.p.allest satisfaction, and greatest pleasure in marriage, when a woman winks or pa.s.ses by the actions of her husband; and the husband in like manner the actions of his wife; for if that were not so, how should they now and then in pa.s.sing by, throw a love-kiss at one another; or how should they at night be so earnest in pressing one another to go first to bed.

'Tis therefore, above all things, very needfull for the increasing of love, that a woman wink at many of her husbands actions; especially if he keep no correspondence with Tiplers, that will be alwaies in the Alehouses; and there too will be serv'd and waited upon, forsooth, to a hairs breadth; nay, and as we perceive, if the Wife brings in the Anchovis upon the Table, without watring them a little, as oftimes happens there, then the house is full of h.e.l.l and d.a.m.nation. For these smaller sort of Gentlemen, are they who sow strife and sedition between man and wife, and continually talk of new Taverns and Alehouses, clean Pots, and the best Wine; they alwaies know where there is an Oxhead newly broach'd: and the first word they speak, as soon as they come together, is, Well Sir, where were you yesternight, that we saw you not at our ordinary meeting place? Ho, saies the t'other, 'twas at the _Blew Boar_, where I drunk the delicatest Wine that ever my lips tasted. You never tasted the like on't. If I should live a thousand year, the tast would never be out of my thoughts. Nay, if the G.o.ds do yet drink Nectar, it is certainly prest out of those Grapes. Words cannot possibly Decipher or express the tast, though _Tully_ himself, the father of eloquence, having drunk of it, would make the Oration. What do you think then, if you and I went thither immediately and drunk one pint of it standing? I am sure, Sir, that you will, as well as I, admire it above all others. Done it is, and away they go: But it is not long before you see those roses blossoming in their hands, of whose smell, tast, and colour a neat draught is taken, and an excellent exposition of the qualities. Yet the t'other Gentleman commends it to the highest; though he is a.s.sured that he tasted a Gla.s.s in Master _Empty Vessels_ Cellar that was far delicater, and that he would far esteem beyond this. Nevertheless he acknowledges this to be very good. But the pint being out, the first word is, _Hangt, What goes upon one leg? Draws t'other pint of the same Wine._ And then they begin to find that the longer they drink, the better it tasts; which is an undeniable sign that it is pure good Wine. And this pint being out again; presently saies the t'other, _All good things consist in three:_ so that we must have the t'other pint.

Where upon the second saith, As soon as this is out, we will go with the relish of it in our mouths to Master Clean Pints, to tast his and this against each other. I am contented, so said so done; and thus by the oftentimes tasting and retasting, they grow so mighty loving, that it is impossible for them to depart from one another, because they every foot say, they cannot part with an empty Pot, and this love in a few hours grows on so hot, that the love of the Wife is totally squencht; not only drawing men mightily out of their business, but keeping them late out from their families; and making them like incarnate Divels against their Wives. From whence proceeds, that when they come either whole or half drunk home, there is nothing well to their minds, but they will find one thing or another to controul, bawl or chide with.

To these also may be adjoined those who generally resort to the Miter, Kings Arms, and Plume of Feathers, or some other places where they commonly make their bargains for buying and selling of Goods and Merchandizes; from whence they seldom come before they have spent a large reckoning, and lost more then three of their five sences; thinking themselves no less rich then they are wise; and ly then very subtlely upon the catch to overreach another in a good and advantagious bargain; by which means they themselves are somtimes catcht by the nose with a mouldly old sort of unknown commodity, that they may walk home with, by weeping cross; and next morning there they stand and look as if they had suckt their Dam through a hurdle, and know not which way to turn themselves with their Merchandize they have made; in this manner, bringing their Wives and Children (if they let them know it) into excessive inconveniences; and for all this want for nothing of grumbling and mumbling.

_Some sorts of men, Are Tyrants when, Their thirsty Souls are fill'd: They scold sore hot Like_ Peep in th' Pot _And never can be still'd.