Part 18 (1/2)
And she did want him. She wanted all of him.
She just didn't want what he was willing to offer her.
That evening, after Deanna went to her suite for the night, Mitch.e.l.l went outside for a run. He usually worked out on the equipment he had in the house, but he felt like running tonight and the house was claustrophobic.
It was almost midnight when he set off, and he ran in the dark, forcing himself to keep going even after the fatigue set in and sweat was dripping down into his eyes.
He wondered, if he could keep running, whether eventually his heart would stop hurting so much. Maybe if his body hurt deeply enough, he wouldn't feel the far deeper pain.
Deanna didn't want him. All of what he'd been sensing in her-the attraction, the need, the hunger, the comfort-was mostly physical, and she didn't want him in any other way.
Even when he made a point of not putting any pressure on her-making sure she knew he didn't want any more than the moment-she still didn't want him enough.
It made sense. He'd always stood for everything she wasn't, and all of what she held most dear he'd spent his life brus.h.i.+ng away.
There was no reason she would want to spend her life with someone like him. He'd never proven to her-to anyone-that he could commit to a relations.h.i.+p so permanently.
She'd been utterly serious when she spoke to him at the restaurant. She wasn't going to change her mind.
He'd taken his phone, and when he heard it vibrate with a new text, he slowed down and pulled it out to check, vaguely hoping it was Deanna.
It wasn't. It was Brie.
Do you and Deanna want to come over for dinner tomorrow?
Even the casual question hurt Mitch.e.l.l, since it seemed to represent everything he couldn't have. Wiping the sweat off his hands and face with his s.h.i.+rt, he texted back. I can come. Not sure about Deanna.
He thought the reply sounded light and impersonal enough, but evidently Brie sensed something was wrong.
His phone rang, and when he picked up, Brie demanded, ”What's wrong?”
”What do you mean?”
”What's wrong between you and Deanna?”
He was still walking, still breathing fast and shallow. ”Nothing. It was just a normal reply.”
”No, it wasn't. Has something happened? I thought you were going to convince her to stay married to you.”
He let out a sigh that was too long and too loud. ”She doesn't want to be convinced.”
Brie paused for a moment. ”I don't think that's right. I saw her with you at the hospital yesterday night. I think she's into you too.”
”Not in that way. She doesn't want me.”
For some reason, the words sounded final, tragic, heartbreaking. His throat hurt so much he couldn't breathe.
”s.h.i.+t, I'm sorry. Did you...did you ask her?”
”In a way. She made it clear.”
”Well you can't just ask her in a way. Ask her for real. Maybe she doesn't know you're serious. She's the kind of girl who's only going to let herself fall in love with a man when there's a real future. She's not a temporary or casual kind of girl. You know that. And you're like the epitome of the temporary, casual guy. Maybe she doesn't know you've changed, that you want something different.”
He felt a ridiculous spark of hope. Maybe that was true. Maybe she really didn't know-even though he thought his feelings should have been obvious to anyone with a pair of eyes. ”She's all about playing it safe and making good decisions,” he said slowly.
”See? I bet that's all it is. She thinks you're not safe because you've always before just done whatever was easy. You need to prove to her that you can be in it for the long haul. That you can do the hard thing when you want it badly enough.”
He did want Deanna that much. He wanted her so badly he couldn't take a full breath.
”Okay,” he said, almost swallowing over the one word. ”Okay.”
His heart was soaring now, the way it had been sinking earlier. It made sense. It was exactly right for who Deanna was and who he'd always been himself.
”Go talk to her,” Brie said, sounding as excited as he felt. ”Go talk to her right now.”
”Okay.”
”And call me back as soon as you can!”
After he hung up, he stared at the phone for a minute, and then he put it back in his pocket and started to run.
He was two miles from his house, but he sprinted all the way, finally arriving soaked with even more sweat and so breathless he could barely see.
He went immediately to her suite and pounded on the door.
After a moment, he pounded again and called out, ”Deanna? Are you asleep?”
She swung the door open, staring at him in bewilderment. ”Well, if I was asleep before, I sure wouldn't be now. What the h.e.l.l is going on? Are you okay?” Her eyes scanned his face and body with what looked like concern.
Her concern made his heart tighten with sentiment, but he was here now, so he burst out, ”I wanted to talk. To you. About our marriage.”
Her face changed. She dropped her head to look at the floor so quickly he couldn't read her expression. ”Oh. Actually, I was thinking about that too.”
”You were?” He was still gasping and breathless, and he could barely see through the sweat.
”Yeah. I was just lying in bed thinking about it and trying to figure out what to do. Things have gotten...I don't know...weird and complicated between us.”
It was true. He stared at her, wondering blindly if she'd come to the same conclusion he had.
”And I think we should probably do something about. This weird limbo isn't good for either of us.” She sucked in a shaky breath.
Mitch.e.l.l stood, motionless and speechless, his heart beating in his chest, his head, his ears.
”So,” Deanna said, her voice breaking. ”So...I was thinking. Once the restaurant deal goes through, maybe we should just end the marriage early. Before the six months are over, I mean.”
Deanna wasn't sure what to expect from Mitch.e.l.l, after she'd burst out with the conclusion she'd come to after brooding and crying over the situation for too long.
She'd thought maybe he would go along with it, just to make things easier-or else maybe have some real objections, which she would have been willing to listen to and discuss.