Volume I Part 7 (1/2)
[Footnote 1: To Ireland, as one of the Lords Justices.]
[Footnote 2: Who, by insinuating that the post of secretary was unsuitable for a clergyman, obtained it for himself, though it had been promised to Swift; and when Swift claimed the Deanery of Derry, in virtue of Lord Berkeley's promise of the ”first good preferment that should fall in his gift,” the earl referred him to Bush, who told him that it was promised to another, but that if he would lay down a thousand pounds for it he should have the preference. Swift, enraged at the insult, immediately left the castle; but was ultimately pacified by being presented with the Rectory of Agher and the Vicarages of Laracor and Rathbeggan. See Forster's ”Life of Swift,” p. 111; Birkbeck Hill's ”Letters of Swift,” and ”Prose Works,” vol. xi, 380.--_W. E. B_.]
[Footnote 2: Always taken before my lord went to council.--_Dublin Edition_.]
[Footnote 3: The usurping kings in ”The Rehearsal”; the celebrated farce written by the Duke of Buckingham, in conjunction with Martin Clifford, Butler, Sprat, and others, in ridicule of the rhyming tragedies then in vogue, and especially of Dryden in the character of Bayes.--See Malone's ”Life of Dryden,” p. 95.--_W. E. B._]
[Footnote 4: The usurping kings in ”The Rehearsal,” Act I, Sc. 1; Act II, Sc. 1; always whispering each other.--_W. E. B_.]
THE PROBLEM,
”THAT MY LORD BERKELEY STINKS WHEN HE IS IN LOVE”
Did ever problem thus perplex, Or more employ the female s.e.x?
So sweet a pa.s.sion who would think, Jove ever form'd to make a stink?
The ladies vow and swear, they'll try, Whether it be a truth or lie.
Love's fire, it seems, like inward heat, Works in my lord by stool and sweat, Which brings a stink from every pore, And from behind and from before; Yet what is wonderful to tell it, None but the favourite nymph can smell it.
But now, to solve the natural cause By sober philosophic laws; Whether all pa.s.sions, when in ferment, Work out as anger does in vermin; So, when a weasel you torment, You find his pa.s.sion by his scent.
We read of kings, who, in a fright, Though on a throne, would fall to sh--.
Beside all this, deep scholars know, That the main string of Cupid's bow, Once on a time was an a-- gut; Now to a n.o.bler office put, By favour or desert preferr'd From giving pa.s.sage to a t--; But still, though fix'd among the stars, Does sympathize with human a--.
Thus, when you feel a hard-bound breech, Conclude love's bow-string at full stretch, Till the kind looseness comes, and then, Conclude the bow relax'd again.
And now, the ladies all are bent, To try the great experiment, Ambitious of a regent's heart, Spread all their charms to catch a f-- Watching the first unsavoury wind, Some ply before, and some behind.
My lord, on fire amid the dames, F--ts like a laurel in the flames.
The fair approach the speaking part, To try the back-way to his heart.
For, as when we a gun discharge, Although the bore be none so large, Before the flame from muzzle burst, Just at the breech it flashes first; So from my lord his pa.s.sion broke, He f--d first and then he spoke.
The ladies vanish in the smother, To confer notes with one another; And now they all agreed to name Whom each one thought the happy dame.
Quoth Neal, whate'er the rest may think, I'm sure 'twas I that smelt the stink.
You smell the stink! by G--d, you lie, Quoth Ross, for I'll be sworn 'twas I.
Ladies, quoth Levens, pray forbear; Let's not fall out; we all had share; And, by the most I can discover, My lord's a universal lover.
THE DESCRIPTION OF A SALAMANDER, 1705
From Pliny, ”Hist. Nat.,” lib. x, 67; lib. xxix.
As mastiff dogs, in modern phrase, are Call'd _Pompey, Scipio_, and _Caesar;_ As pies and daws are often styl'd With Christian nicknames, like a child; As we say _Monsieur_ to an ape, Without offence to human shape; So men have got, from bird and brute, Names that would best their nature suit.
The _Lion, Eagle, Fox_, and _Boar_, Were heroes' t.i.tles heretofore, Bestow'd as hi'roglyphics fit To show their valour, strength, or wit: For what is understood by _fame_, Besides the getting of a _name?_ But, e'er since men invented guns, A diff'rent way their fancy runs: To paint a hero, we inquire For something that will conquer _fire._ Would you describe _Turenne_[1] or _Trump?_[2]
Think of a _bucket_ or a _pump._ Are these too low?--then find out grander, Call my LORD CUTTS a _Salamander._[3]
'Tis well;--but since we live among Detractors with an evil tongue, Who may object against the term, Pliny shall prove what we affirm: Pliny shall prove, and we'll apply, And I'll be judg'd by standers by.