Volume I Part 32 (1/2)

But, oh! it turn'd poor Strephon's bowels When he beheld and smelt the towels, Begumm'd, bematter'd, and beslim'd, With dirt, and sweat, and ear-wax grim'd; No object Strephon's eye escapes; Here petticoats in frouzy heaps; Nor be the handkerchiefs forgot, All varnish'd o'er with snuff and snot.

The stockings why should I expose, Stain'd with the moisture of her toes,[2]

Or greasy coifs, and pinners reeking, Which Celia slept at least a week in?

A pair of tweezers next he found, To pluck her brows in arches round; Or hairs that sink the forehead low, Or on her chin like bristles grow.

The virtues we must not let pa.s.s Of Celia's magnifying gla.s.s; When frighted Strephon cast his eye on't, It shew'd the visage of a giant: A gla.s.s that can to sight disclose The smallest worm in Celia's nose, And faithfully direct her nail To squeeze it out from head to tail; For, catch it nicely by the head, It must come out, alive or dead.

Why, Strephon, will you tell the rest?

And must you needs describe the chest?

That careless wench! no creature warn her To move it out from yonder corner!

But leave it standing full in sight, For you to exercise your spight?

In vain the workman shew'd his wit, With rings and hinges counterfeit, To make it seem in this disguise A cabinet to vulgar eyes: Which Strephon ventur'd to look in, Resolved to go thro' thick and thin.

He lifts the lid: there needs no more, He smelt it all the time before.

As, from within Pandora's box, When Epimetheus op'd the locks, A sudden universal crew Of human evils upward flew; He still was comforted to find That hope at last remain'd behind: So Strephon, lifting up the lid, To view what in the chest was hid, The vapours flew from up the vent; But Strephon, cautious, never meant The bottom of the pan to grope, And foul his hands in search of hope.

O! ne'er may such a vile machine Be once in Celia's chamber seen!

O! may she better learn to keep Those ”secrets of the h.o.a.ry deep.” [3]

As mutton-cutlets, prime of meat, Which, tho' with art you salt and beat, As laws of cookery require, And toast them at the clearest fire; If from upon the hopeful chops The fat upon a cinder drops, To stinking smoke it turns the flame, Pois'ning the flesh from whence it came, And up exhales a greasy stench, For which you curse the careless wench: So things which must not be exprest, When drop'd into the reeking chest, Send up an excremental smell To taint the part from whence they fell: The petticoats and gown perfume, And waft a stink round ev'ry room.

Thus finis.h.i.+ng his grand survey, Disgusted Strephon slunk away; Repeating in his amorous fits, ”Oh! Celia, Celia, Celia sh--!”

But Vengeance, G.o.ddess never sleeping, Soon punish'd Strephon for his peeping: His foul imagination links Each dame he sees with all her stinks; And, if unsavoury odours fly, Conceives a lady standing by.

All women his description fits, And both ideas jump like wits; By vicious fancy coupled fast, And still appearing in contrast.

I pity wretched Strephon, blind To all the charms of woman kind.

Should I the Queen of Love refuse, Because she rose from stinking ooze?

To him that looks behind the scene, Statira's but some pocky quean.

When Celia in her glory shews, If Strephon would but stop his nose, (Who now so impiously blasphemes Her ointments, daubs, and paints, and creams, Her washes, slops, and every clout, With which he makes so foul a rout;) He soon would learn to think like me, And bless his ravish'd sight to see Such order from confusion sprung, Such gaudy tulips raised from dung.

[Footnote 1: Var. ”The b.i.t.c.h bequeath'd her when she died.”--1732.]

[Footnote 2: Var. ”marks of stinking toes.”--1732.]

[Footnote 3: Milton, ”Paradise Lost,” ii, 890-1: ”Before their eyes in sudden view appear The secrets of the h.o.a.ry deep.”--_W. E. B._]

THE POWER OF TIME. 1730

If neither bra.s.s nor marble can withstand The mortal force of Time's destructive hand; If mountains sink to vales, if cities die, And lessening rivers mourn their fountains dry; When my old ca.s.sock (said a Welsh divine) Is out at elbows, why should I repine?

Ca.s.sINUS AND PETER

A TRAGICAL ELEGY

1731

Two college sophs of Cambridge growth, Both special wits and lovers both, Conferring, as they used to meet, On love, and books, in rapture sweet; (Muse, find me names to fit my metre, Ca.s.sinus this, and t'other Peter.) Friend Peter to Ca.s.sinus goes, To chat a while, and warm his nose: But such a sight was never seen, The lad lay swallow'd up in spleen.

He seem'd as just crept out of bed; One greasy stocking round his head, The other he sat down to darn, With threads of different colour'd yarn; His breeches torn, exposing wide A ragged s.h.i.+rt and tawny hide.

Scorch'd were his s.h.i.+ns, his legs were bare, But well embrown'd with dirt and hair A rug was o'er his shoulders thrown, (A rug, for nightgown he had none,) His jordan stood in manner fitting Between his legs, to spew or spit in; His ancient pipe, in sable dyed, And half unsmoked, lay by his side.

Him thus accoutred Peter found, With eyes in smoke and weeping drown'd; The leavings of his last night's pot On embers placed, to drink it hot.

Why, Ca.s.sy, thou wilt dose thy pate: What makes thee lie a-bed so late?

The finch, the linnet, and the thrush, Their matins chant in every bush; And I have heard thee oft salute Aurora with thy early flute.

Heaven send thou hast not got the hyps!

How! not a word come from thy lips?