Volume Ii Part 15 (1/2)
When you with Oonah stood behind a ditch, I peep'd, and saw you kiss the dirty b.i.t.c.h; Dermot, how could you touch these nasty s.l.u.ts?
I almost wish'd this spud were in your guts.
DERMOT
If Oonah once I kiss'd, forbear to chide; Her aunt's my gossip by my father's side: But, if I ever touch her lips again, May I be doom'd for life to weed in rain!
SHEELAH
Dermot, I swear, though Tady's locks could hold Ten thousand lice, and every louse was gold; Him on my lap you never more shall see; Or may I lose my weeding knife--and thee!
DERMOT
O, could I earn for thee, my lovely la.s.s, A pair of brogues [5] to bear thee dry to ma.s.s!
But see, where Norah with the sowins [6] comes-- Then let us rise, and rest our weary b.u.ms.
[Footnote 1: Sir Arthur Acheson, whose great-grandfather was Sir Archibald, of Gosford, in Scotland.]
[Footnote 2: Who was a great lover of Scotland.]
[Footnote 3: Halfpenny-worth.]
[Footnote 4: Sir Arthur's butler.]
[Footnote 5: Shoes with flat low heels.]
[Footnote 6: A sort of flummery.]
THE GRAND QUESTION DEBATED:
WHETHER HAMILTON'S BAWN[1] SHOULD BE TURNED INTO A BARRACK OR MALT-HOUSE.
1729
THE PREFACE TO THE ENGLISH EDITION
The author of the following poem is said to be Dr. J. S. D. S. P. D. who writ it, as well as several other copies of verses of the like kind, by way of amus.e.m.e.nt, in the family of an honourable gentleman in the north of Ireland, where he spent a summer, about two or three years ago.[2] A certain very great person,[3] then in that kingdom, having heard much of this poem, obtained a copy from the gentleman, or, as some say, the lady in whose house it was written, from whence I know not by what accident several other copies were transcribed full of errors. As I have a great respect for the supposed author, I have procured a true copy of the poem, the publication whereof can do him less injury than printing any of those incorrect ones which run about in ma.n.u.script, and would infallibly be soon in the press, if not thus prevented. Some expressions being peculiar to Ireland, I have prevailed on a gentleman of that kingdom to explain them, and I have put the several explanations in their proper places.--_First Edition_.
Thus spoke to my lady the knight[2] full of care, ”Let me have your advice in a weighty affair.
This Hamilton's bawn, while it sticks in my hand I lose by the house what I get by the land; But how to dispose of it to the best bidder, For a barrack[6] or malt-house, we now must consider.
”First, let me suppose I make it a malt-house, Here I have computed the profit will fall t'us: There's nine hundred pounds for labour and grain, I increase it to twelve, so three hundred remain; A handsome addition for wine and good cheer, Three dishes a-day, and three hogsheads a-year; With a dozen large vessels my vault shall be stored; No little scrub joint shall come on my board; And you and the Dean no more shall combine To stint me at night to one bottle of wine; Nor shall I, for his humour, permit you to purloin A stone and a quarter of beef from my sir-loin.
If I make it a barrack, the crown is my tenant; My dear, I have ponder'd again and again on't: In poundage and drawbacks I lose half my rent, Whatever they give me, I must be content, Or join with the court in every debate; And rather than that, I would lose my estate.”
Thus ended the knight; thus began his meek wife: ”It must, and it shall be a barrack, my life.
I'm grown a mere _mopus_; no company comes But a rabble of tenants, and rusty dull rums.[5]
With parsons what lady can keep herself clean?
I'm all over daub'd when I sit by the Dean.
But if you will give us a barrack, my dear, The captain I'm sure will always come here; I then shall not value his deans.h.i.+p a straw, For the captain, I warrant, will keep him in awe; Or, should he pretend to be brisk and alert, Will tell him that chaplains should not be so pert; That men of his coat should be minding their prayers, And not among ladies to give themselves airs.”
Thus argued my lady, but argued in vain; The knight his opinion resolved to maintain.
But Hannah,[6] who listen'd to all that was past, And could not endure so vulgar a taste, As soon as her ladys.h.i.+p call'd to be dress'd, Cried, ”Madam, why surely my master's possess'd, Sir Arthur the maltster! how fine it will sound!
I'd rather the bawn were sunk under ground.
But, madam, I guess'd there would never come good, When I saw him so often with Darby and Wood.[7]
And now my dream's out; for I was a-dream'd That I saw a huge rat--O dear, how I scream'd!
And after, methought, I had lost my new shoes; And Molly, she said, I should hear some ill news.
”Dear Madam, had you but the spirit to tease, You might have a barrack whenever you please: And, madam, I always believed you so stout, That for twenty denials you would not give out.
If I had a husband like him, I _purtest,_ Till he gave me my will, I would give him no rest; And, rather than come in the same pair of sheets With such a cross man, I would lie in the streets: But, madam, I beg you, contrive and invent, And worry him out, till he gives his consent.