Part 27 (1/2)
”Why don't you take the day off?” Amy suggested. ”We can hang out at the pool and relax.”
Sky glanced down at the pool, and the memories of making love with Sawyer before going skinny-dipping with the girls came rus.h.i.+ng back.
”I think I need to be alone, but thanks for the offer.”
By midafternoon Sky had rearranged her shop, given three customers tattoos, and thought about Sawyer every single d.a.m.n second. She couldn't shake the feeling that Bella was right. By walking away, she had done the same thing he was doing. She'd walked out on them. Ended their relations.h.i.+p. Torn them apart. But was that her fault? Did she have any other choice? Maybe she should wait it out. Pretend he wasn't fighting that one last fight and then go see him when it was over.
If he wasn't brain damaged-or worse.
She couldn't go a minute without thinking about him. How could she pretend he wasn't risking his life in a fight? And why should she have to? Shouldn't he love her-himself, his family-enough to want to remain healthy and cognitively aware?
He does love his family. That's why he's fighting.
Even her own brain was making her crazy. She walked outside and inhaled the fresh air, hoping to clear her head. People of all ages walked through the streets laughing and talking, carrying shopping bags, eating ice cream, and holding hands. A month ago she'd have been just fine chatting with people as they pa.s.sed by the shop, but now? Now she wanted to cry just watching people enjoy what she'd never have with Sawyer.
She tried to distract herself from the pain by tallying what she still had.
I finally own my own tattoo shop.
I have a great apartment.
Great friends.
A wonderful, loving family.
She glanced in the window of Lizzie's store and saw her talking with Blue. She'd been hoping they'd start dating, but now she almost wished they wouldn't. She didn't want either of them to ever go through the pain she was going through.
”How is my favorite tatty girl?”
Sky turned at the sound of Marcus's happy voice. He was dressed as Marcus today, in a pair of dark cargo shorts and a yellow tank top, his hair brushed away from his face and not a speck of makeup on his clean-shaven face. His eyes rolled over her face, and his smile turned to a grim line.
”Oh, my, sugar.” He opened his arms and pulled her into a hug. ”You look like someone stole your tattoo guns. Let Marcus make it all better.” He patted her back, and when he drew away and searched her eyes, it was all she could do to keep from crying. ”Come.” He pulled her down to the stoop in front of the shop and sat with one arm around her, the other holding her hand in his. ”Tell me all about it.”
”I'm fine,” she lied.
”You are fine, as in hot, but this.” He used his index finger and drew circles in front of her face. ”This is not fine. This is I've given up on even trying to look fine. I smell trouble with Mr. Sawyer.”
Sky exhaled and dropped her eyes. She couldn't talk about Sawyer, because if she did, those tears she'd been holding back would break free, and that was the last thing she needed.
”Marcus, can I ask you a really unfair question?”
He narrowed his eyes and tilted his head. ”Doesn't everyone?”
She knew that Marcus and many of the drag queens around Provincetown were asked tactless questions by inquisitive tourists.
”This is really unfair, and you don't have to answer me, but I don't know how else to figure this out.” She met his gaze and took another shaky breath before asking, ”If Howie had opted not to get treatment for his cancer, how would that have made you feel?”
Marcus s.h.i.+fted his eyes away, and now it was his turn to take a deep breath. ”You don't pull any punches, do you, sugar?”
”I'm sorry. You don't have to answer.”
”It's okay. If it'll help you, I'll tell you. Howie and I actually talked about this a lot. When we were in the thick of his illness, I couldn't imagine him not getting treatment. We fought over that, because he had done his research, and he knew that even with treatment, his life wasn't going to be a life at all. It was going to be time between treatments, most of which was spent sleeping, or fighting skin infections due to radiation, or bouts of nausea.” Marcus swallowed hard. ”I know he went through the treatments because I needed him to.”
”Do you regret asking him to?” she asked, trying to figure out her own feelings.
”Those treatments gave me Howie for another two years, and even if those years weren't the best years of our lives, it was two solid years of holding him. Kissing him. Caring for him. Loving him while he was still here with me.”
”But? I hear a but.”
”But I knew from the start that he didn't really want to go out of this world that way, and I still live with the guilt of that decision.” His eyes dampened, and he rested his head on Sky's shoulder. ”Maybe it would have been better, or kinder, to have let him die on his own terms. To leave me sooner. I just loved him too much to honor what he really wanted. I'm not sure there's a right answer. Either way I lost the only man I've ever loved, but I do know this. Whether he had died after a month or two years, I did everything within my power to treasure every second of the time we had. And I'm glad I did, because I've known love, Sky, by the most remarkable man who has ever lived. He showed me enough love in those days to fill my soul for a lifetime. I was just gluttonous. I wanted more.”
He lifted his head from her shoulder and looked at her. ”What is this all about, Sky?”
She shook her head, unable to answer. Did she love Sawyer too much? Should she be happy for whatever time they had together and not worry about the future? She knew the ache of losing someone she loved. Her mother had left a hole so vast she thought she'd be navigating around it her whole life. She lifted her eyes to the alley across the street, remembering the first night she and Sawyer had gone out and the way he'd waved and run back to get her phone number. That was when things had begun to change-the ache of losing her mother had started to subside. Sawyer had begun filling that great abyss.
What about the immense hole he'd leave behind?
Could she survive losing Sawyer?
Reality hit her a moment later.
I'm already losing him.
Chapter Twenty-Seven.
SKY PRESSED SAWYER'S speed-dial number for the third time as she drove down Route 6 toward his house with her heart thundering in her chest. His voicemail picked up again, and she left another message.
”It's me. I'm sorry for walking out and not taking your calls. I want to talk. Call me?” She ended the call and set the phone on the pa.s.senger seat. Sawyer had left her five messages apologizing and asking her to please return his calls. The sixth message had cut Sky to her core. Sky, how am I supposed to just walk away from us? I no longer know how to be me without you.
She drove off the exit in Truro and navigated the narrow streets to the private sandy road that led to his house on the dunes. The house came into view over the treetops, and her pulse sped up. She didn't know if what she was doing was right or wrong. She only knew that two days without Sawyer had been h.e.l.l, and the idea of not being with him ever again was incomprehensible. She needed to see him, to talk to him when he wasn't lying in a hospital bed having just been knocked out. When she wasn't still on the verge of a breakdown from thinking she'd lost him forever. They'd communicated so well with each other until now. Their hearts were made of words and love and all things in between. They had to be able to figure this out together.
She pulled into his empty driveway and her stomach sank at the sight of a ”For Sale” sign in the center of the front yard. Her jaw dropped open as she stared at the sign. He was moving? After two days? Tears sprang to her eyes as she slammed on the gas and backed out of the driveway. She had to find him. She had to talk to him and find out what was going on. She sped down the road and headed to the one place she knew she'd find him-the club.
Out on Route 6 she tried his number again and left another hasty message. ”You're moving? Where are you going? Don't move, Sawyer. Call me back, please?” Her finger hovered over the End b.u.t.ton, and she added, ”I love you. Please call me.” She put the phone in the cup holder in the center console, hoping he'd call back.
Her phone rang a few seconds later, and she fumbled for it, blinking away tears. Amy's name flashed on the screen. She put the phone back down. She couldn't talk to Amy or anyone else until she spoke to Sawyer. She sped down the road, confused, upset, and feeling like her heart was being torn to shreds. Had she already lost him for good?
Ten minutes later she pulled into the club parking lot-and Sawyer's truck wasn't there. She slammed on the brakes, staring at the building. They have to know where he is. She parked out front and ran inside. Brock looked up from behind the registration desk with wide eyes, which turned serious as she hurried to the desk.
”Hi, Sky.” His eyes traveled over her face.
She knew she looked a wreck, but she didn't care. She had to find and talk to Sawyer. ”Do you know where I can find Sawyer?” She was breathing so hard, she felt like she'd just run a mile.