Part 30 (2/2)

He didn't answer. A long silence rolled out. She was tempted to turn to him but she knew he'd be staring right at her.

'It seems weird saying this to the back of your head,' he said eventually, 'but I'm going to say it anyway and hope it sinks in. I'm going to say I'm sorry. About everything.'

She gave a careless shrug. 'Don't be sorry. It's a free world. You f.u.c.k, Ben, who you want to f.u.c.k. It was nice when you wanted it to be me. That changed, end of story.'

'It didn't change. That's just it. I never wanted it to be anyone but you I was f.u.c.king. Except, unlike you, I wanted it to be something more than just d.i.c.k meeting p.u.s.s.y. I wanted more than that. Of course, in your world that's some kind of failure.'

Zoe didn't answer. She stared out of the window at the cars all parked there.

'But I've thought about it and thought about it, and from where I'm sitting I haven't committed a crime. It's not wrong to want something more, is it? I thought that was how the world went round.'

'I don't know,' she said, in a dry voice. 'Whatever floats your boat. But all of this is academic because it's too late now.'

'Debbie, you mean?'

'Miss Personality.'

'I'm not stupid, Zoe. I can see through her.'

'Can you? Interesting. What do you see?'

He sighed. 'Probably the same as you see. You can't trust anything she says. She didn't know what she was talking about with Ralph Hernandez and now she's walking round the office like she owns it, turning up to every meeting. A sterling careerist.'

'Oh, you noticed.'

'And the truth is, I don't even fancy her.'

'You did well, then, you know, to sleep with someone you didn't fancy.'

'You've never had an anger s.h.a.g?'

She nearly turned to him then. 'A what what?'

'I was angry with you. I was doing anything I could to get you out of my head. You're in my head, Zoe. I can't get you out. I wish I could, but I can't.'

'Sorry I'm not more impressed.' She shook her head. Her neck was stiff and painful. As if she had a fever. 'It's just if I was fixated on someone the last thing I could do is sleep with someone else.'

'Well, I'm a man and you're a woman. So maybe you wouldn't understand. And how the h.e.l.l would you know what you could and couldn't do? You've never been fixated on anyone in your life.'

She was silent, her teeth clenched so tight she thought they might crack. 'Have you finished now?' she murmured eventually.

'Look at me, Zoe.' He sat down opposite her.

She twisted her head further away, bent it slightly and pretended to be scratching her scalp.

'Just look at me. Is that so difficult? Come on.' He reached out and took her arm. She s.n.a.t.c.hed it away, but he leaned forward and grabbed it again, this time brus.h.i.+ng against the sungla.s.ses, knocking them slightly. She fumbled up her free hand to push them back on, but he'd already seen. He sat back on the chair, the air knocked out of him. 'Jesus. What the h.e.l.l?'

's.h.i.+t, Ben.' She sat with her head lowered, pressing the gla.s.ses against her face. 'I mean, s.h.i.+t, I asked you not to come in.'

'What the f.u.c.k happened to you?'

'It doesn't matter. Really it doesn't matter.'

He slammed his hands on the table and stood up so he was towering above her. 'Yes, it does does matter, Zoe. It matter, Zoe. It does does matter. I matter. I am am allowed to give a toss about you. Handcuff me, read me my rights, but I do.' allowed to give a toss about you. Handcuff me, read me my rights, but I do.'

She could feel herself trembling could feel a cold, hard ball of something ease its way into her throat. 'There's no need to be like that,' she said evenly.

'Just tell me. Who did it? Where did you report it?'

'I haven't,' she mumbled.

'What?'

'I said I haven't reported it. OK?' She sat back a bit, rubbing her arms, embarra.s.sed. She was going to end up crying again if she wasn't careful. 'And I'm not going to. I keep saying it doesn't matter. Please leave it.'

Ben was silent for a long time. Then he pulled his phone out of his pocket. 'I'm going to report it.' He was jabbing in a number. 'Whoever did that needs to be spoken to.'

'No.' She made a lunge for the phone, throwing herself across the table.

He twisted away, holding it out of her reach. 'Then tell me who did it. Or I report it.'

'Please, Ben.' She was definitely going to cry now. 'Jesus. Just please.' She pushed her chair back with a squeal and stood up. Everything was spiralling away, getting out of control. 'Just please, please please-'

'Please what?'

'Just please don't,' she begged. 'Don't call anyone.'

37.

Sally felt like a wire stretched to its limit. She was shaking with tension and her jaw kept clicking as she drove, as if she was cold. The dark clouds had got even lower and were leaching a fine, almost invisible drizzle, but the lights were on in the windows when she arrived at the school, fighting the oncoming gloom. It looked so homely, the school, so normal that her throat tightened. That normality the simple, unremarkable fact of doors closed, lights on, coats hanging on hooks and hockey boots lying in muddy heaps all of that might never come back to her. She might have stepped out of its reach for ever.

She phoned and managed to catch Millie on her afternoon break. She said she could sneak out for a few minutes no one would notice. Sally waited at the gate, clutching her umbrella. She couldn't help checking around the street to make sure no one was watching her. She wasn't good at hiding things she didn't know how people did it.

'Hi, Mum.' Millie's expression was bright. But when she saw her mother's face the smile dropped. 'Oh. Are you OK?'

'I'm fine. Are you?'

'No, you're not. What's up?'

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