Part 15 (1/2)
'Had the happiness of any hu, the meanest, the vilest, depended as much upon me, as mine has done on you, I would have sacrificed, for their relief, the dearest secret of my heart--the secret, even upon which my very existence had depended It is true, you did not directly deceive h for the delicacy of hu lesson to us both--it is written upon e, ue, visionary, expectation; but enerous source--they have been the wild, ardent, fervent, excesses, of a vigorous and an exalted mind!
'I checked my tears, as they flowed, and they are already dried--uncalled, unwished, for--why do they, thus, struggle to force their way? y, utterly to sink--I knohat it is to suffer, and to cos--and _certainty_, itself, is some relief I am, also, supported by the retrospect of ances, it has been that of a virtuous, ingenuous, uncorrupted, mind You have contemned a heart of no common value, you have sported with its exquisite sensibilities--but it will, still, kno to separate your virtues from your errors
'You reprove, perhaps justly, my impatience--I can only say, that circumstanced as you were, I should have stolen an hour from rest, from company, from business, however, important, to have relieved and soothed a fellow-creature in a situation, so full of pain and peril Every thought, during a day scarcely to be recollected without agony, _was a two-edged sword_--but so slumber recruited my exhausted spirits, and enabled me, yesterday, to receive my fate, with a fortitude but little hoped for
'You would oblige ly by the remarks you allow me to hope for, on my letter of the ----th You knoill not shrink from reproof--that letter afforded you the last proof of my affection, and I repent not of it I loved you, first, for what, I conceived, high qualities of mind--from nature and association, th, I loved you, not only rationally and tenderly--_but passionately_--it beca fire! And, yet, I do not blush--my affection was modest, if intemperate, _for it was individual_--it annihilated in ret these natural sensations and affections, their forcible suppression injures the enial sye to avow it, has been one of the miserable mistakes in morals, and, like all other partial remedies, has increased the evil, it was intended to correct From monastic institutions and principles have flowed, as froh society a ion of dissoluteness and hypocrisy
'You have suddenly arrestedeffervescence--you have taken
”The rose From the fair forehead of an innocent love, And placed a blister there”
'And, yet, I survive the shock, and determine to live, not for future enjoyment--that is now, for ever, past--_but for future usefulness_--Is not this virtue?
'I am sorry your attachment has been and I fear is likely to be, protracted--I know, too well, the misery of these situations, and I should, now, feel aof its completion--In that completion, may you experience no disappointment! I do not wish you to be beloved, as I have loved you; this, perhaps, is unnecessary; such an affection, infallibly, enslaves the heart that cherishes it; and slavery is the tomb of virtue and of peace
'I believe it would not be proper for us to ain--at least at present--should I hear of sickness, or cala you, I shall, I suspect, be impelled, by an irresistible impulse to seek you--but I will no h you have contemned my affection, my friendshi+p will still follow you
'If you really _love_, I think you ought to make some sacrifices, and not render yourself, and the happy object of your tenderness, the victims of factitious notions--Remember--youth and life will quickly fade Relinquish, call upon her to relinquish, her prejudices--should she refuse, she is unworthy of you, and you will regret, too late, the tender, faithful, ingenuous heart, that you have pierced through and through--_that you have alh I , her--Were she inforht rejoice in the trial of your affection--though I should not
'The spirits, that had crouded round --a flood of softness, a tide of overwhel into helpless, infantine, distress! Hasten to then, me--_Truth_ I will never call indelicate or inhuman--it is only the virtuous e, it:--simplicity is true refineood we can--a close, and searching, knowledge of the secret springs and foldings of our hearts Methinks, I could wish you justified, _even at ly, a frank return
'A heart-rending sigh acco nature will be far less painful--but my philosophy, now, _sternly_ calls upon --I obey!
'_Farewel!_ 'EMMA'
Perhaps it costletter so ained over ourselves is attended with advantages But this apparent caly of despair--it was succeeded by severer conflicts, by keener anguish A week passed, and near a second--I received no answer
CHAPTER IX
A letter froain, to address Mr Harley, to make some enquiries which respected business of his mother's
It may be, that I felt a mixture of other motives;--it is certain, that when I wrote, I spoke of more than business
'I had hoped,' I told him, 'ere this, to have received the promised letter--Yet, I do not take up my pen,' said I, 'either to complain of, or to importune, you If I have already expressed myself with bitterness, let the harrassed state of my mind be my excuse My own conduct has been too erroneous, too eccentric, to enableyou in an e situation, I have exposed you to consequent mistake or uneasiness I feel, that whatever errors we inated only with myself_, and I am content to suffer all the consequences It is true, had you reposed in enerous, confidence, much misery would have been avoided--I had not been wounded
”There, where the human heart most exquisitely feels!”
'You had been still my friend, and I had been coreat ence: all our desires are, in their commencement, easily suppressed, when there appears no probability of attaining their object; but when strengthened, by ti to eradicate them, we tear away part of the e tenacity--they are of an elastic nature, and, being forced back, return with additional violence