Part 11 (1/2)

For the fact of the matter was that Hal was someone made entirely to be honest, in an environment that would not allow him to be so. I couldnat ask him to become entangled ever further into this mess Iada”weada”created. He was to be a tutor come the summer, and the childrenas attentions would become far more important than my own. I had no wish to upset Halas standing in the house any more than I already had, and by allowing things to continue along their progressive course, I knew that I would.

My time in my brotheras country house was an exile of indeterminate length, and pretending otherwise was what would sink us.

In this I was quite resolved until I heard the knock at my door, twice, as was our signal. It was very late. I felt my determination struggle to be set free like a stubborn bird and I held it in place even as I held still in the center of my room.

aPlease,a said Hal, quiet, but not quiet enough should anyone have been pa.s.sing through the hall, which I sincerely hoped they were not.

The door was locked, which I realized too late was a clear sign that I was indeed within. Too late, and always too slow. I cursed myself but crossed the room to unlock the door and pull it open.

Hal had a wild look about his eyes, anxious and desperate in one, and I knew that Iad been right to leave the pantry.

aHal,a I said unsteadily, drawing him in after a perfunctory check up and down the hallway for curious young eyes. Then I closed the door.

He stared up at me, misery radiating from every small motion, worrying his lower lip in a way that I was often quite fond of, but not now. Not when I knew Iad been the cause.

I sought for the proper words, some fitting apology that I could make, and found that there were none. aIam sorry,a I said instead. It was no more than a fraction of the true apology I wanted to make. aI should not have left,a I added, and hesitantly touched his face.

This seemed to be the signal head been waiting for, as he all but threw himself into my arms. I held him tight; it was all I could think of doing.

aPlease,a he said, close against my neck. aI didnat meana”a He stopped then, as though he couldnat even pretend to take it back.

The rules of the game hadnat been so clear when Iad set them, and once again the fault was all my own.

With Hal caught close in my arms, I found that my words had deserted me. It was an unsettling realization, as I depended on words more often than I would have liked to admit. They were my citadel and stronghold; they kept me afloat when everything else was a swirling, cooking stew of what I knew and what I felt.

There were no words that would set this right save those that couldnat be unsaid.

aCan we justa”Can we pretend that never happened?a aI canat,a I said, honest as I only ever could be when it was completely inconvenient to be so. Halas fingers tightened so fiercely in my s.h.i.+rt that I was sure for a moment it would rip. aAnd, even if I could, Hal, I wouldnat.a aOh,a he said, and slumped a little as he exhaled. I put an arm around his waist, as much to hold him up as to keep him close. aI was afraid of that.a aIt isnata”Itas not something I would ever want to pretend hadnat . . . happened,a I said clumsily. aIf I teach you at least one thing during my time here, then let it be this: There is no kiss we can undo, nor any word we can unsay.a I felt him nod. Then he lifted his head to look at me, visibly struggling with something he wanted to say. aIs that why you left, then?a aLikewise, I can make no excuse for my actions,a I said, helplessly aware that an apology wasnat what he wanted. aThey were inexcusable. I am sorry, Hal.a I found I had no way of explaining it to him. But I had faith that his intrinsic intelligence and empathy would guide him to discern my true emotions and to understand why they could not be expressed.

I was afraid, but I was also certain of what we needed. I would endeavor to avoid such situations again.

aWe should perhaps,a I said haltingly, then tried again. aWe should perhaps . . . meet with less frequency.a I could at least teach him, however, though I knew what a poor compensation it was. But I could hope that he might soon be able to see that my rejection was not born out of a lack of affection. There were things I could say without speaking, and I hoped only that Hal would understand them.

aWould you care to finish that pa.s.sage on the laws of the bastion?a I asked lightly, still holding him foolishly close. Despite all my fine words and upright sentiments, I could not release him until I heard his reply. If he refused, I knew I would be bound to do something even more foolish, and my beseeching must have been evident in my expression, for he hesitated only a moment.

aIad like that,a he said, seemingly relieved, though there was a shadow of disappointment that hung far off in the back of his gaze.

I held him for a while longer, and in the bright moonlight that streamed through my unshuttered windows, it was almost easy to believe we were not so trapped.

ROOK.

Pretty soon our period of lazing about was all over, and, quick as that, it seemed like every night the siren was howling and we were grabbing our boots and getting out just as our palms were itching to do for too f.u.c.king long.

The way to ride depended, to begin with, on what kind of airman you were and what kind of dragon you were flying. Balfouras Anastasia was small and sleek and kind of the same as riding a horse, Iad wager, though Iad never been astride her myself. If you were a big mother-f.u.c.ker like Ghislain, then you could get away with straddling Compa.s.sus and steering her through the air without cramping up your legs something crazy, not to mention breaking both your arms just to jerk the harness and bring her around. But youave got to be a real serious son-of-a to ride a girl as fast as my Havemercya”or Thoushalt, Aceas girl, who was the only dragon of the lot to match my darling for speed.

Basically, our girls were all designed by different men who I guess were thinking completely different thoughts at the time they designed them, so things are real different depending on whether you find yourself saddling up a swift like Anastasia or a fire-belcher like Ivoryas Ca.s.siopeia, or a Jacqueline-of-all-trades like Havemercy, whoas the greatest beauty of the lot and who kills like none other, not even Thoushalt. Havemercy was the best, though, since she was almost as fast as Anastasia herself and easier to rein in, besides. And where fire was concerned, she was the most precise and so could hit them hardest and fastest.

The Ke-Han call Have the fire G.o.d, and thatas about as good a name for her as any, not to mention one Iam particularly proud of for my personal hand in.

The problem with the Ke-Han was that they were smart, and they knew the lay of the land better than any of us, seeing as how the Cobalts were theirs to begin with, so of course they had these tricks, like hiding in the mountains or using the winds against us. That was how Balfouras brothera”who rode Anastasia before hima”died, the first time the Ke-Han got their magicians together and turned the skies against us. After that we figured pretty quick how to fly even when the wind was shrieking us down with all it had; leastways, itas easier for the bigger girls to resist a sudden gust from an unnatural direction, the kind that always means the Ke-Hanave spotted us and the race is on. If youare on a swift, youave gotta let yourself be pummeled along until you can duck down below the gust, double back around, and hit the sons of wh.o.r.es when they least expect it. Of course flying against the winds used a h.e.l.l of a lot more Wellas-p.i.s.s fuel than normal, so whenever we got hit by the magicians we had to move double quick to make sure we got back to the Airman in time and didnat cause a national crisis by cras.h.i.+ng into the mountains or getting caught by the Ke-Han.

The fuel thing was what got under my skin like nothing else, since there were nights when we could as good as see the magicianas dome, blue like an overturned bowl and nestled in the heart of the city. Any trip out that farad be a suicide mission, without enough fuel to get back, but I couldnat help thinking some nightsa”if I was angry enougha”that itad be worth it to put the Ke-Han in their place once and for all.

The way rounds worked was that you signed up for at least two s.h.i.+fts a week, and it was best if you were working in threes with a swift for recon, a fire-belcher for razing, and a crusher like Compa.s.sus, or a Jacqueline-of-all-trades like Havemercy. Once things started getting hot and heavy I was working with Ghislain and Balfour pretty regular, but also with Ace acause there was no beating us when we worked together, hitting the Ke-Han from both sides no matter which way they went scurrying, toward the mountain or their cities.

They hadnat even rebuilt their f.u.c.king lapis wall. They had no clue what they were doing, and the way everyone was figuring it now was that because of the corps and our dragons, it was going to be over pretty soon. We just kept hitting them and hitting them with all we had, magicians and dragons both, which meant we were being called for every f.u.c.king night for a period of about two, two and a half weeks.

It was pretty f.u.c.king great.

I mean, I wasnat supporting war or anythinga”just my role in it. I wasnat some kind of half-wit and I knew that this was my place, up in the air whooping like crazy and steering Havemercy until we were right overheada”Compa.s.sus or even Adamo on Proudmouth watching my tail, and one of the swifts scouting out the next target. Sometimes we even got in two, three hits a night. Soon enough we were going to absolutely crush thema”I mean, absolutely have them crushed. They knew it. They werenat even being smart about their moves anymore, just scattering every which way, soas knocking them off was like picking out ants beneath a magnifying gla.s.s, until there wasnat any point in it anymore and we were too close to sunrise and were recalled.

Because thatas the thing about riding a dragon into battle: You just canat do it in the daytime. Well, you could, but youad have to be pretty f.u.c.king stupid or pretty f.u.c.king desperate or a really uncomfortable combination of the two to do it. Itas too easy to see a girl in the sunlight, and too easy to bring her down. The Ke-Han donat depend all that much on catapults anymore, but thatad change real soon if they could see us even halfway clearly. Everythingas done by moonlight, and youave got to hope to whoeveras actually listening that you can just get out there on a night when thereas clouds and s.h.i.+t mucking up the starlight. Dragons can see pretty well in the dark, so basically youave just got to trust your girl and sheas got to trust youa”and the two of you have to work together to live through the night.

Havemercy and I had it down to a science, to an art. I signed up for all the extra s.h.i.+fts no one wanted, and we were up in the air near on to every other night, the wind making my hair even more of a knot than usual, and on our off-days we slept like the f.u.c.king dead. In the skies, we didnat have to answer to anyone and we didnat have the time to think about what our actions meant, what poor b.a.s.t.a.r.ds they affected. You do unto others or they do unto youa”thatas the first rule of the skies and the one you stick to like the words are your brothers.

The best thing about all this was that the professor didnat have any time or any orders to keep torturing us with our feelings, and whenever I did see hima”mercifully more rare now than evera”he was just wandering the halls looking lost and alone.

And thatas when I got my idea.

Adamo was going to tear me a brand-new one, since thereas laws against taking a civ up into the skies without filling out all kinds of miserable paperwork. But the idea was too good and, anyway, there was no real punishment for an airman when the war was on. I mean, Adamo could give me rations that tasted like dogs.h.i.+t and make sure I never slept on a comfortable bed again, but the truth was I wasnat sleeping much anyway and I didnat care what I ate so long as it kept up my strength for flying.

So I sat on my brilliant idea for the whole day I was off duty, and made sure to eat all my favorites in the mess since I might not be able to for a long while after.

The logistics were kind of hard to figure. Like: How the f.u.c.k was I supposed to get the snotnose into the hangar decks? And where the f.u.c.k was I going to get an extra pair of goggles so that the smoke didnat make him go blind?

Anyway, I got the whole thing prepared; I just had to make sure I was awake and dressed when the siren started its wailing. Thatad give me, I figured, about a half minute extra to find him, grab him, get him down below, and strap the goggles on him without n.o.body seeing it. And, since n.o.body was going to be out and about with the raid bell ringing, it wasnat all that hard to maneuver. I just had to be quick enough, and smart about it. And I was.

I didnat even figure for sleep that night, and when the bell started to clang I was out of my room like a shot and inside that common room in, possibly, negative time, grabbing the professor by the collar and hauling him to his feet. Before he was even awake enough to protest I had a hand clamped over his mouth.

aAngh!a he said, very angry, and tried to bite my palm.

Too bad for him I was wearing my riding gloves.

aShut up,a I said, aand pay close attention. Iam going to show you a little something about the Dragon Corpsa”for mutual understandina, that kind of thing.a His eyes were wide and I didnat wait to hear him complain any further. We only had fifteen seconds, and in just that time Iad dragged him back to my room and shoved him through the chute, coming down fast behind him.

Then, we were inside Havemercyas private quarters. I flung the harness on her and strapped up, shoving my feet into the stirrups and holding my hand out to his highness the sensitivity trainer.

To my surprise, he didnat hesitatea”just reached out and took it, just like that.

aGoggles behind you,a I said, grabbing my own and putting them on. I heard him struggle for a moment, then the familiar snap that meant head got aem on, but the wrong way. Thatad leave a bruise for him in the morning.

aHavemercyas a go!a Perkins, the prep for that evening, shouted at us from the main deck. I dug my heels in.

aHold on tight,a I said.

The professor barely had time to follow my instructions before the doors opened and we were thrown out into the nighta”Havemercy held tight beneath my thighs and my boots strapped to the stirrups, with the professor hanging on around my waist. That first push once youare off deck was a necessary propulsion to get us flying in the first place, but most fresh blood doesnat expect it, and I heard the professor grunt somewhere next to my ear as all the breath got knocked out of him like a sucker punch to the gut.

This was probably a p.i.s.s-poor plan from the professoras point of view, since there was no one to say he wasnat going to get thrown at any minute the rest of that long, b.l.o.o.d.y night. There wasnat a single thing standing beneath him and the distance to the grounda”dropping away beneath us every second of rus.h.i.+ng wind and cloudy moonlighta”except for his arms wrapped around me. He was still in his f.u.c.king pajamas. If he did survive the night, he was going to be covered from head to toe with ash and he wouldnat be able to wash it out of his hair for at least a week, but if that was all he suffered, then he could consider himself one lucky b.a.s.t.a.r.d, and thank the skies for treating him proper.

aWhat the f.u.c.k do you think youare doing?a he shouted, while meanwhile Havemercy was leaving all of Volstov behind, and the wind she was creating pummeled his words so as I could barely make out what he was saying.