Part 6 (1/2)
Good manners may be summed up in the one word, Gentleman.--That term implies all that good-manners ought to be. The original derivation of the word is from the Latin _gentilis_, belonging to a tribe or _gens_; and in its first signification it applies to those of n.o.ble descent or family; but it has come to mean something far wider, and something which every man, however humble, may be--a man of high courtesy and refinement, to whom dishonor is hateful. ”What is it,” says Thackeray, ”to be a gentleman? It is to be honest, to be gentle, to be generous, to be brave, to be wise, and, possessing all these qualities, to exercise them in the most graceful outward manner.” It was said of our Lord by one of the early English poets, that he was
The first true gentleman that ever breathed.
To be a gentleman in all circ.u.mstances is the highest idea we can form of good manners. It is what, in our intercourse with others, we should strive to be--to have ”high thoughts,” as Sir Philip Sidney expresses it, ”seated in a heart of courtesy.” In Bishop Patteson's life is given the estimate of him, as a true gentleman, by a New Zealand native: ”Gentleman-gentleman thought nothing that ought to be done too mean for him. Pig-gentleman never worked.” The savage knew by instinct that the good Bishop who came to live among them that he might teach them to be better, who treated them with invariable courtesy and consideration, was a true gentleman, though he had to clean his own hut, to cook his own food, and to mend his own kettles. And he knew also that the man who made others work for him without doing them any good in return, who swore at them and abused them, was only a pig-gentleman, however rich or high in station he might be.
A few advices on the subject of this chapter may be given.
1. _Cultivate a pleasing manner_.--Any one can be civil and polite if he sets himself to be so. Some suppose that it is unworthy of a robust character to be gentle in demeanor, that it indicates a certain amount of effeminacy, and that strength and gruffness go together. We hear men spoken of sometimes approvingly as ”rough diamonds.” But history tells us that the n.o.blest and strongest have been the most tender and courteous. King Robert the Bruce was ”brave as a lion, tender-hearted as a woman.” ”Sir Walter Raleigh was every inch a man, a brave soldier, a brilliant courtier, and yet a mirror of courtesy. n.o.body would accuse Sir Philip Sidney of having been deficient in manliness, yet his fine manners were proverbial. It is the courtesy of Bayard, the knight, _sans peur et sans reproche_, which has immortalized him quite as much as his valor.” [2] It is not beneath us to study good manners. To a great extent they come naturally from refinement of disposition and inborn delicacy of feeling. But they may also, to a great extent, be learned and acquired. ”Watch,” it has wisely been said, ”those of excellent reputation in manners. Catch the temper of the great masters of literature--the n.o.bility of Scott, the sincerity of Thackeray, the heartiness of d.i.c.kens, the tenderness of Macdonald, the delicacy of Tennyson, the grace of Longfellow, the repose of Shakespeare.” It is well worth while for every young man beginning life to form a true idea of what good manners are, and to make it his constant effort to acquire them.
2. _Avoid eccentricity_.--Eccentricity is the deliberate endeavor to make ourselves different from those around us. (_a_) Some show it in their dress by wearing garments often of outrageous shape and hue.
(_b_) Some show it in their speech by striving to say things that they think especially smart. (_c_) Some show it in their actions by striking forced att.i.tudes, and putting themselves in grotesque positions. It all springs from love of notoriety and desire to be thought different from their neighbors. It is the mark, as a rule, of fops and fools, and an indication of weakness of character. It is fundamentally inconsistent with good manners. Johnson was called _ursa major_, or big bear, from the gruffness of his manner. This was probably natural to him, but many affect a similar manner from a desire to be eccentric. The ”big bears” of society are odious. Johnson's own words are applicable to such: ”A man has no more right to say an uncivil thing than to act one--no more right to say a rude thing to another than to knock him down.” Those also who are ever trying to say things which they think smart, but which are often impudent, and meant to give annoyance, ought to receive no countenance. ”Sir,” said one such person in his Irish brogue to Dean Swift, ”I _sit_ (set) up for being a wit.” ”Then, sir,” said the Dean, ”I advise you to sit down.”
Similar people should be treated in the same way.
3. _Try to conquer shyness_.--This is const.i.tutional with some, but even when this is the case it can be overcome by taking pains. The shy man is often awkward in manner; and, what is worse, he often gives the impression to others of being rude, when he has no intention to be so.
There are those who, in their own family and among their own friends, are known to be warm-hearted, kind and gentle, but who, from this defect of which we speak, have a reputation far from enviable. Any young man who is afflicted with it should set himself resolutely to get the better of it.
4. _We should be especially courteous to those below us in station_.--To servants in our house, to those in our employ, to the poor, we should be marked in our civility. ”It is the very essence of gentlemanhood that one is polite to the weak, the poor, the friendless, the humble, the miserable, the degraded.” The conduct of our Lord to such is ever worthy of our imitation. Indeed, as it has been well remarked, the character of men and women is perhaps better known ”by the treatment of those below them than by anything else; for to them they rarely play the hypocrite.” The man who is a bully and abusive to those weaker or less fortunate than himself, is at heart a poor creature; though, in company of his equals, he may be affable and polished enough. For example, Kingsley mentions regarding Sir Sydney Smith that ”the love he won was because, without any conscious intention, he treated rich and poor, his own servants, and the n.o.blemen, his guests, alike courteously, cheerfully, considerately, affectionately, bearing a blessing and reaping a blessing wherever he was.” When a celebrated man returned the salute of a negro, he was reminded that he had done what was very unfas.h.i.+onable. ”Perhaps so,”
he replied, ”but I would not be outdone in good manners by a negro.”
”Good words,” says holy George Herbert, ”are worth much, and cost little.” The same may be said of good manners.
[1] _The Secret of Success_.
[2] _Plain Living and High Thinking_.
CHAPTER XI.
TEMPER.[1]
Temper is the harmonious and well-balanced working of the different powers of the mind. Good temper is when harmony is maintained; bad temper when it is violated. ”Temper,” it was said by an English bishop, ”is nine-tenths of Christianity.” We may think this an exaggerated statement, but there is much to commend it. The fruit of the Spirit of G.o.d is peace, and peace is the condition of a heart which is at rest--in harmony with G.o.d and man. Peace may be taken as the Scriptural word for temper.
Good temper is a sign that the different powers of the soul are working in harmony.--For instance, the atmosphere is well tempered when it is neither too hot nor too cold, neither too dry nor too moist, having neither too much electricity nor too little. Then the weather is called fine. It is a pleasure to live. When the weather is bad, the balance of the elements is broken, and life is disagreeable and unpleasant. The body is well tempered when the nervous system and the blood and the nutritive system all work in due harmony. When these three great const.i.tuents of the body are well balanced against each other, the result is health. The body is not well tempered in a student who takes no exercise, and where everything goes to feed the brain; nor in a pugilist in training, where everything goes to feed the muscles. The result is disease. We all know the musical instrument called the harp. All the strings are tuned into perfect harmony. If there is a false note struck, that is a sign to the musician that there is something wrong, and that the instrument needs to be tuned. The discord is a symptom, that some cords are out of order. So, bad temper is a sign that some string in our moral const.i.tution is out of harmony and needs to be tuned.
Good temper can be acquired.--It is the result of culture. There are two things often confounded with it--(_a_) good nature and (_b_) good humor. Good nature is something born with us--an easy, contented disposition, and a tendency to take things quietly and pleasantly. We inherit it. There is little merit in possessing it. Good humor is the result of pleasant surroundings and agreeable circ.u.mstances. A good-humored man is so when everything goes right; when things go wrong, his good humor departs and bad humor takes its place. But good temper results from training and self-control--keeping constant watch over our pa.s.sions and feelings, and above all being in constant harmony with G.o.d; for he who is at peace with G.o.d is at peace with man, and will keep the ”even tenor of his way.”
There are various signs or forms of ill-temper that may be adverted to.
One form of ill-temper is irritability.--We perhaps know what it is to have a tooth where the nerve is exposed. Everything that touches it sends a thrill of pain through us. Some people get into a moral state corresponding to that. The least thing puts them out, vexes them, throws them into a disagreeable frame of mind. When one gets into that state, he should feel that there is something wrong with him--something is off the balance, some nerve is exposed. He had better look to it and go off to the dentist.
Another form of ill-temper is readiness to find fault.--This is a sure sign of a screw being loose somewhere. An ill-tempered person is always making grievances, imagining himself ill-used, discontented with his position, dissatisfied with his circ.u.mstances. He never blames himself for anything wrong; it is always someone else. He is like a workman who is always excusing himself by throwing the blame on his tools; like a bad driver who is always finding fault with his horses.
Some fretful tempers wince at every touch, You always do too little or too much; He shakes with cold; you stir the fire and strive To make a blaze; that's roasting him alive.
Serve him with venison, and he chooses fish; With sole; that's just the sort he would not wish.
Alas! his efforts double his distress, He likes yours little, and his own still less.
Thus, always teasing others, always teased, His only pleasure is--to be displeased.