Chapter 3751 (1/2)

37

Of course, there would be no third loop It was a once-in-a-lifetime… uh, I mean, a miracle that would only happen once

So I woke up the next day, and the day after, to repeated dejection

It had been five days sinceto become a bother

While she was around, it was a near-daily back and forth between the library and the apartment, and I had to prepare food for us both

Not to mention I had the desire for alone tie person

No offense to her, but I wanted to be alone already

That night I worked up the courage to ask “When are you going to get out of here?”, but received a kick and a “You get out, big bro”

Geez, my bad

But not long after, I got a call It was from our mother, and of course, it was about my sister

She irritatedly asked “Did Honoka come by there?”

I hesitated for a second, but before my sister heard, I told her “She’s been here the past five days”

And so I was instructed to take et ho up

When I put down the receiver,

But about twenty etting her things together, with a look like “I should be going, shouldn’t I?”

I was relieved She was actually pretty understanding in that respect

“Do you have enough to get home?”, I asked

She didn’t reply Must have beenour mother where she was

While she didn’t seem to want me around, I ith her as far as the bus terminal

The snoas really bad, and the road wasn’t well-lit, so I orried aboutalone

We walked at a very strange distance froether”

As ever, we said nothing to each other as alked the roads filled with fallen leaves

My sister see, it was fine

Besides, as so about what every single person thought of me

The bus terminal holly decrepit

The walls and floors were blackening in spots, the lights were yellowed, the cushi+ons were torn open, and drab shutters were pulled down on all the shops

The few people waiting for the bus were dead silent

With all the gloo back ho run away

“Dirty place,” my sister quietly said “Like your apartment”

“Hey, it’s got feeling,” I argued for my apartment

My sister and I sat on a sofa, about 40 centi machine as aited

It was a terrible place I wondered if a ride on the buses here would take you back decades or what

I otten on Any tireat

When I was done with rab it, stacked my cup with hers, and went to throw them away

I watched her briskly walk from behind She seemed a lot less dependable than ive her a shove and she’d topple over

She caain This time, it was more like 20 centimeters apart

Suddenly, I felt like I’d done so absolutely terrible to my sister

Had I even considered that she was a sixteen-year-old girl who ran away from home?

Should I, in fact, have lied to our mother?

She didn’t seem like the kind to run away from home in the first place

And it e assumption - but she had come to me, hadn’t she?

Perhaps I should have at least sheltered her until she was satisfied?

I stole a glance at her, and we rumpily looked away

I hesitated to take her back to the apart our mother

So I at least wanted to say so before she went

But I had no idea what to say “Be happy” would be a laugh co from me And I rather die than have it said to me

And “Don’t think too hard” wouldn’tfrom a fool like me

I spent the whole ti it over

The time passed in a blink, and my sister stood up to board the bus I stood up too and folloith her

There were still bits of snow outside I was briefly blinded by the headlights of the bus in the dark

Just as h to hear over the engine, “Hey”

“If you want to run away again, feel free to come over”

Even this took a lot of courage for me to say

I was a coward even in front of my family the second time around

My sister turned around, and for once, opened her eyes wide

She stood still and looked at ot on the bus

The bus left, and I set onmyself with cocoa

I was all too relieved just to see my sister smile

38

My sister seemed to count on ain

As for what she did at my place, she studied, read, and, when she felt like it, went through a laundry list of insults concluded with “You’re hopeless, big brother”

Then she enjoyed my dinner, occupied my bed, and snoozed away

The next day, our father came and took my sister home

I didn’t kno he treated her, but he didn’t show any intent to scold or be nice to her; he just drove her hoht

This only ht back As predicted, she was knocking on ain five days later

But I didn’t really ularity toalone

She see independent studies, so rather than force her to go to high school when she didn’t want to, why not let her read what she likes for a while?

Misanthropy isn’t so easily fixed

“Big brother, you don’t go to college, do you?”, she asked one night And not in a harsh or ridiculing way

“…Nah,” I replied

“I see,” she said with a slight satisfied s to kill you if he finds out”

“That’s likely”

“He’ll kill you!”

I scratcheda sip of cocoa, she put her cup down and said “I’ll keep it a secret But in return, I expect you to be more polite to me”

“…You have ratitude”

I lowered eration of n, but “he’ll beat you” was a certainty

As far asschool went, even my thickheaded parents felt they were responsible, so they didn’t speak much of it

But e They had lots of pent-up energy fro my sister

While I pulled the sheets over my sister, who’d fallen asleep on the bed sideith a half-finished book in hand, I had a thought

If I were arrested for Tokiwa’s irl react?

Or else, what if I failed in ave up on it all, and commit suicide?

I didn’t have any intention of that at thethe possibilities

And objectively speaking, if I were to commit suicide, it could be very persuasive

At the very least, it see would be like from here on

39

My first self’s popularity - though granted, it was

Around the end of Noveirl who persistently followedhere

No, not just one - depending on the time, there could be several I can’t remember what they were like, naturally

But as usual, it was unbelievable stuff considering my second life I wish I could have half of that, sheesh

Why was I only reminded of that then? Well, that’s kind of a funny story

I was sitting by theon the second floor of a ha a book, and periodically looking out below

Not that I was really a fan of the haers there, but it was a habit of mine to sit in thatseat

The reason being because nine ti by in the afternoon

So it was a good spot to watch for hih

I sipped soazed at the people below

It was Saturday, and I saw an alar by There was hardly anyone walking alone who didn’t also appear to be in the middle of work

Maybe it was because Christ, or maybe it was always that way

Christ in all the shops now At that particularTo Town”

It was the same no matter where you went this ti

With lights decorating the roadside trees, Christ the town

Honestly, it made me unhappy It felt like a provocation directed at me, lonely and unfestive as I was

It wasn’t, of course It was just innocentlyhappy people happier

But let’s say you have somebody who’s lost their o outside or do anything, they’re told “Mother’s Day is co up!”

You know that’s gonna hurt Not saying you should go and cancel Mother’s Day because of it, just saying that hey, those people exist

The book I was reading was one I checked out froestion

Seeing uess And since I had so much spare time, I asked “Got any recommendations?”

It’s weird, but even though I went to the library all the tih school, I never had much interest in books then

And a reader, no matter what they’re like, will always have a serious answer to that question Maybe because they get to demonstrate their experience to others

She recoinners” And one of theuessed it already - was “The Catcher in the Rye”

I struggled with the style of the japanese translation, and since I was looking around as I read, I found that I wasn’t es as quickly as I liked

I’n names, incidentally Well, now that I think of it, “Holden Caulfield” isn’t too bad of one

But e’re talking “Avdotya Ro at the mouth

When I was about thirty pages in, I looked outside and saw a familiar face I sat up and leaned for a closer look

But no, it wasn’t thefor, nor a man at all

I thought I was ely, had dyed her hair chestnut-brown, and wore clothes that didn’t match my idea of her at all

Had it not been for my well-trained eyes, I would have overlooked her Indeed,

Though I had no real reason to pursue her, I put away my tray and hurried out of the restaurant

I i turned the corner Missed her by a hair

40

I followed behind Hiiragi the same way I usually did Tokiwa

Not that I intended to talk to her, because ould I say? “Hey there, see we’re both still lonely How’s that working out for you?”

What I wanted to learn fro her was how she, as si the day

I felt like there could be a hint toward i my own life in there, somehoanted to kno loners like us were to pass the cold winter

I guess bya daily routine, I had no opposition to stalking people anymore

It seeirl I knew and calmly decide that I’d stealthily follow her

My thought processes were exactly like those of a criminal Man, that makes me shi+ver, and not from cold

By the way, I ought to reveal so that I kept quiet about before You reht?

Well, for the sake of suspense or what have you, I talked as if Hiiragi and I never ain after that

But actually, ent to the same university And maybe it’s because we both knew that that we didn’t talk on that last day of high school

Had that really been the very last tiht’ve wanted a handshake at least

As one would expect, Hiiragi’s isolation worsened too when she got to college

Yep, that was Hiiragi It relieves e I’m one to talk, of course

There were very feho i about when you said “Hiiragi,” even in her departettable

Usually lonely people stand out in a bad way But she was really good at just blending in, fro hich she entered classrooms, to how she picked her seat, to how she slipped into the crowd during group activities

I tried to do the sas, but I kne much better she was at those techniques

I didn’t know the details, but it appeared Hiiragi lived somewhere not far from my apartment

A couple ti when I went to buy beer from the local convenience store In fact, it see beer too

Though she recognized iving lance that said “Oh, you too”

I lances unconsciously Those judging yet sylances

In high school, I thought gloomy people like me were bound by fate to beer, but I don’t think that’s quite true

Rather, people like us are the e in alcohol When there’s a lot you want to forget and a lot of ood partner

41

The sun had i Normally it would be harder with less people, but the toas still just the right level of crowded; a good day for stalking

Hiiragi swiftly h the dim town She was a fast walker

People accustoet hoith others, and they’re always displeased here they are, want to be anywhere but, so they walk really fast - that’s my theory, anyway

And the opposite’s true too; happy people who are pleased with the umi walked verrry slow

They walked so dreadfully slowly, lightly pushi+ng each other, cuddling with each other, looking at each other, that tailing thee pain

They were already so happy being together that they were in no hurry to get anywhere

How fast you hen there’s nothing particularly urgent to attend to is a great indicator of happiness I mean it

So I thought about all that as I followed Hiiragi In addition to walking fast, she had a terrible sense of direction

She’d be walking straight ahead, then suddenly duck into an alley, then co happened

She’d come to a stop, suddenly cross the street, then cross back to the side she was on before

What was she even trying to do? I knew she wasn’t good with directions, but I’d never seen it so bad before

Maybe she was drunk? Maybe she went crazy?

But the real reason was actually quite clear If you followed Hiiragi’s gaze, it was obvious what her target was

However, it took me about thirty minutes to catch on I’ll admit it, I’m an idiot

Hiiragi came to a halt and hid in the shadow of a nearby pole After a while, she ti quickly

Even I could figure it out at that point

She was following someone

I looked tohere Hiiragi was looking I spotted him just a few seconds, a few meters ahead

Yes, you probably guessed it already - it was Tokiho Hiiragi was following

I knew Hiiragi and I were siht

42

There was a lot I could presu much like herself that day

I wondered about it the whole time I followed her She wore a denim coat, a short skirt, and some kind of weird hat, none of which suited her at all Not even a little

But it clicked when I realized she wore it to make herself unidentifiable And indeed, it succeeded in i

I ith her all through high school, so I was able to recognize her But Tokiwa, I doubt he would be able to tell right away

I didn’t askTokiwa Because wasn’t it obvious?

Hiiragi was Tokiwa’s stalker Unlike me, she was a real stalker who did it because of her affection for him

Kind of odd to talk about what makes a “real” stalker, huh…

Without even planning for it, I was succeeding at a double-stalking

I kept watching for ten or twentyTokiwa, then stopped

I went to the parking lot of the nearby shopping

Now that I wasn’t walking, I suddenly felt chilly, the hand I held

I stuck my free hand into my jacket pocket and endured the cold

The people heading for their cars had such unbridled happiness on their faces, it made me feel horribly out of place

Every tih Ride” from inside Like on the other side of that door was a land of pure happiness

Thinking about how Hiiragi (who I thought reatest enemy) depressed me

Because it i, both loved Tokiwa

Yes, in the end, even (well, i, whose face was hardened into an expression of “I just hate hu guy like Tokiwa - all because he showed her a little kindness

I’d bet money on it Because I had that inclination myself in my second life

When you have such an immense inferiority complex, and someone superior to you is kind, you feel “Oh, hoonderful this person must be to show kindness to someone as worthless as me!” It’s pure, it’s naiveté

While we had oppositethe sa, from a certain viewpoint

Hiiragi’s goal was Tokiwa, umi liked Tokiwa

If everyone could just settle for less, the world would be such a peaceful place, I thought

If I hadn’t taken to unattainable Tsuguo for Tokihen they orlds apart, then we could settle this with a lot less sorrow

If I killed Tokiwa, it would ht

But I considered that, shortly afterward, she ly happy that he was dead

Considering what Hiiragi was like, it seemed a likely possibility

No umi’s to the end

So if Hiiragi couldn’t have hi, I thought, if Hiiragi had that kind of twisted affection

43

I realized I’d forgotten my book and returned to the restaurant

Luckily, the red [translator’s note: blue] book was still where I left it I put it inand left once more

I met eyes with a man

At first, I looked away There was soaze, but whoever it was, I knew there was no one I felt like talking to right now

But soain Once we made eye contact once more, my brain had finally told me who this was

In contrast, he called lad to ain

“Hey, hey! It’s been too long! You been doing well?”, he greetedin the seat in front

I wasn’t sure how to respond I didn’t have the acting skill to send back a snore him

I stopped in ue smirk and clumsily sat down across from him Looked like I didn’t even kno to sit in a chair

I couldn’t understand why he was talking to me with such familiarity

After all, this enial relationshi+p

“How many years? Not since middle school, so about four?”

I guess I should just say it In my third year of middle school, I was bullied by Usumizu

In ways easily understood as such, nowhere near the fine line where it could be considered teasing

I absolutely didn’t want to re about when I was bullied And I’looo into detail

Point is, Usumizu bullied me, and that’s all you need to know

I struggled to keepreminded of those times But those kinds of memories are like a mouth ulcer

It hurts to touch, and you know it’llit

As et, I always had drea bullied

I drea with the one who bullied

Well, clearly that was a product of onize anyone, no I wanted to be get along even with those who bullied me

But thinking of it that way made me sad, so on the surface I just despised him

It’s easier to bear being hated by someone you hate than someone you like

So now that Usumizu was here in front of me after years, and talked to me so cordially, my reaction was one of concern

Actually, I wanted to do the same, and say “Hey, it’s been a while I’ my hopes

But on the other hand, I felt like that would be disrespectful to ht to so easily forgive someone?

“What’re you up to now? College student?”

I told hi! You’re smart!”

He see was off, I thought

Frootten about bullying me in middle school

But that’s always how it is The bullies forget, but the bullied remember for life

And when they forget about their bullying, in some cases they replace it with falseobservers of bullying

“What are you up to, then?”, I asked hi enthusiastically, as if to say “I’lad you asked!”

Typical stuff about his spectacular college life Shouldn’t have asked, I regretted as I nodded h it

While unwillingly listening to his story, I began to get used to this Usuood look at his face

I noticed that Usumizu just couldn’t seeaze went all around, he repositioned his arms frequently

Despite lookingoff

It was as if he was nervous to be sitting in front of me But at the same time, he was clearly overjoyed he had a chance to see me

Whichever it was, it was strange Second-time me was a person who made you relax in a bad way, not a person as fun to be around

About ten minutes passed with me unable to identify as so off Suddenly, Usu

It was seriously abrupt, so I thought he’d re really important

“What’s up?”

After staring at his lap for five seconds, he said “I gave up”

“Gave up what?”, I asked back I was fearful that I’d done sory

He said “Forget it That was all lies,” leaned back in the chair, and sighed with his hands put together between his legs

“Yes, it was all a lie I don’t go to college And I don’t work, either It’s been months since I had a real conversation with so I’”

He spoke rapidly and without breaks, as if to fill the prior five-second gap

“I’ll be honest I can’t get my mind off death lately There’s too many reasons to list So I won’t But I wanted to do it as soon as I thought of it But I wanted to do soh, I left home I haven’t been back since I’ to keep doing it until I run out of money Once I do… Yeah, I’ll probably do it as a hobo for a while So I’ht?”

It all came so fast, I was hopelessly lost

What was this guy trying to tell me all of a sudden?

44

Taking a closer look, Usu all over His hair was unkempt, his cheeks were thin, and his eyes were sullen

Now that I could look at hirant

“I’ this to you because you see it like a confession …No, I don’t nore it and pretend you’re not unfeeling I don’t want sos will always get better if you keep living, let’s do this together,” I’d have to bite ue and wouldn’t want to die anyreat for that Because you’ll listen in earnest, but that’s all you’ll do I can tell just looking at you You’d rather die than say “If so through a reinforced glass screen That’s why I felt like being serious with you“

”I don’t know if I get it,” I said, “but I suppose you’re not looking for any tactful comments, then?”

“Yeah,” he sht worry “I really just wanted so? Like, that sense you haven’t done a single thing right your whole life”

“I suppose I do,” I replied In fact, I felt I suffered itI “did right” in my first life