Part 16 (1/2)

FRITZ ON THE ENGLISH

Ven I fights mit dose Englishmans yet, Dere vas tings vy I nefer can't see, Und, dis time I'm certain, you bet!

Either dey must pe crazy or me.

Dey vill bay von beeg price for a king, But as soon as he put on his crown, Und vould try to pe doing some ting, Dey say,--”Go avay pack und sit down.”

Ven dey get all dose blace in de sun, Und de blaces vere grows de beeg trees, Ven already de hard vork is done, Den John Bull say,--”Shoost go as you blease.”

If in Dublin a feller rebels, Britty soon on a rope he vill shwing, But go free, so mine newsbaper tells, If in Ulster he do de same ting.

Johnnie Bull prings his pread und his meat From de ends of de vorld far avay, Vile de lands vere he ought to grow veat, Dem's de blaces de pheasants will shtay, Ven he say dat he nefer vill fight, But vill shtick mit his vork und his blay Dat vas lies he vas telling all right, For he fight like de teufel to-day.

Und dose beeples dat nefer had vorked, All dose soft-handed ladies und shwells, Und de fellers dat always had s.h.i.+rked, Haf got busy now making de sh.e.l.ls.

If ve're brisoners, vounded or sick, Shoost so soon ve fall into deir hand, Den dey doctor und feed us oop shlick; Dese are tings dat I can't understand.

WHEN WILL IT END

November, 1916

Von Krink tells Fritz when the War will end.

Ven you tinks dis beeg var vill get done?

(Dat's de ting you hear efryone say.) Britty soon vill dey lay down de gun, So I home mit Katrina can shtay?

Vell, I tells you mine friends, vot I tink, Dat de Kaiser don't know, nor de Czar, So I shpeak mit dat feller, Von Krink, Shoost how soon ve can settle dis var.

”Ve vill not shtop de fight,” said Von Krink ”Till de Kaiser climbs down from his throne All dot Wilhelmstra.s.se bunch, I don't tink, Haf deir backs mitout moss ofergrown.

Ve vill take back de Heligoland, Und dose Krupp vorks to bieces vill shmash, Ve vill shpoil all dose profits so grand, Und Miss Bertha can cook her own hash.”

”Und dose blaces vay out in de sun, Vere de Kaiser such goot money shpends, John Bull vill shoost tink it fine fun To divide dem around mit his friends, Ve vill take all de Kaiser's beeg s.h.i.+ps, Ve vill make free de Kiel ca.n.a.l Und de Shermans must pa.s.s oudt de chips Ven dey lose de beeg jack-pot next fall.

”Den berhaps if dey're getting too gay, Ve vill bang dem a couple of times; Dat already might be de best way, For to settle dose submarine crimes.

Ven ve get all dose leetle ch.o.r.es done, Und some more ve can't tink about yet, Ve vill hang up de sword und de gun.

But not von minute sooner, you bet!”

THE KAISER AGAIN CONSULTS FRITZ

Mine dear Fritz,--Your advice ven I take, Und I try dot goot beace talk to shtart, Den dose fellers all call it a fake, For dey say it don't come from mine heart; Vat's de ting to do next, I don't know, Mit dose bull-headed English und French, Dey shoost tink dey're de whole of de show Since they pounded us oudt of some trench.

Dey are licking us now britty fast, Like I nefer could tink dey vill do, Mit beeg guns dey now haf us out-cla.s.sed, Und mit airs.h.i.+ps und teufel tanks too.