Part 7 (1/2)

”Yeah but, I mean, so do we,” I said, standing next to him.

”No we don't,” Richard said. ”We p.o.o.p out long logs.”

”Yes, I understand that,” I said, rolling my eyes. ”But I'm sure to the rabbits, their little pellets look like long logs.”

”I wish we could open a window,” Brittany said.

”I wish I could take off my pants,” Annie the Bird or Bear said.

”Should we be scared or something?”

”According to Satan.”

Someone turned off the lights.

”Not funny.”

”Anyone wanna bone?”

When the lights came back on, Leroy Hannah was in the front of the cla.s.s, pretending to sip coffee out of a beaker. Richard was next to him, announcing to everybody that he was going to give his fetal pig a rhinoplasty. ”A nose job,” he clarified.

”Oh, good!” Leroy shouted. ”Cla.s.s, listen up! We are going to make the pig's nose proportional to the pig's face!”

Richard picked up a ruler. ”Annie!” he shouted. ”Come here!'

The cla.s.s laughed. Annie the Bird or Bear glared at him. ”Real f.u.c.king funny, d.i.c.khead,” she said.

”Annie,” Leroy said, still mimicking Ms. Nailer, ”your nose is nearly four inches long. Have you ever considered reconstructive surgery?”

We waited for Annie the Bird or Bear to stand up and slug Leroy across the face. But she didn't.

”Yes,” she said.

She lay down on one of the empty lab tables.

”So give me a f.u.c.king nose job already!” she shouted.

”Uhhh,” Richard said, ”technically, it's a rhinoplasty.”

”Don't be a b.i.t.c.h, Richard,” Annie the Bird or Bear said. ”Just do it.”

”You can't give ABOB a nose job!” Martha screamed.

”I hate my nose,” Annie the Bird or Bear said. ”But my parents are poor so I can't do anything about it. I can't live the rest of my life like this. So just do it, you pansy a.s.s.”

Richard didn't move. He looked at me for some reason. He stared. I shook my head. Annie the Bird or Bear sat up and took him by the throat. ”Do it, f.u.c.k face. Is your father a world-cla.s.s surgeon or is he not?”

He cleared his throat, straightened out his back, like he was remembering who he was. ”Jesus, woman,” he said. ”All right, all right.”

The cla.s.s buzzed.

”Scalpel.”

The fetal pigs lay still all around us.

”First,” Richard said, ”since you are alive, we'll need to sterilize the blade. Anyone remember how to use the Bunsen burners?”

Human Fart did. Human Fart had been Ernest Bingley's new nickname since he farted the previous week doing sit-ups in gym. When I heard it, I was saddened and relieved all at the same time. It had to happen to someone eventually, and I was glad it wasn't me, but poor Ernest, even though Ernest would eventually get laid on prom night, go to Columbia, and have a son who invented an electric bike that powered itself off its own energy, but still.

”You can't bring me into this when you get in trouble,” Human Fart said. ”I'm going to be a doctor. I don't need this s.h.i.+t on my resume.”

Richard told him to put this s.h.i.+t on his resume. ”This is the s.h.i.+t of resumes,” Richard said.

But Human Fart made them sign a contract. Leroy drafted it, wrote down Earnest did not light the flame on the contract.

”It's E-R-N-E-S-T,” Human Fart said, annoyed.

He lit the flame.

”Smells like gas.”

”Like a.s.s.”

”What if Ms. Nailer comes back?”

”What if Annie dies?”

”n.o.body is going to die,” Richard said, holding the blade over the flame. ”I've done this a million times.”

”Now,” Annie the Bird or Bear said. ”I want you to shave off the b.u.mp. I want a Grecian nose. I want a one-hundred-degree angle.”

Annie lay back again, her feet hanging off the end of the table. Richard put on the white lab coat Ms. Nailer never wore. Girls tee-heed from behind. Richard grabbed two rulers and took measurements of her face. We couldn't even speak. Someone yelled at Martha for breathing too loud. I stood in disbelief. This whole time, I had truly believed Annie the Bird or Bear was okay with who she was, as though she had somehow accepted her position in life and was, in that way, above everyone else. But here she was, lying on a table ready to be split. Of course she wanted a Grecian nose. We all did.

Richard began. He hummed while marking her with a purple marker, circling the b.u.mp on her nose. He pulled out a flask from his pocket, and everybody gasped, as though he had pulled out a rabbit holding a loaded gun.

”Drink this,” he said to her.

”You've had that this whole time?” one of the Other Girls asked.

Annie the Bird or Bear opened the cap and sniffed like it was poison.

”The Bird's scared of a little whiskey?” Richard taunted.

”h.e.l.l no, I'm not scared,” Annie the Bird or Bear said. ”Just making sure it's real liquor.”

She threw her head back and gulped. She smacked her lips. ”Good stuff.”