Part 30 (1/2)
[210 ADVENTURES OF MR VERDANT GREEN]
high spirits, with our hero and his friend Mr Bouncer, who, after a brief visit to ”the Mum,” had passed the re these few holiday weeks, Charles Larkyns had acted as private tutor to his two friends, and had, in the language of Mr Bouncer, ”put theentleo, ~alias~ Greats; and our hero for his first examination ~in literis huo, ~alias~ Smalls Thus the friends returned to Oxford mutually benefited; but, as the time for examination drew nearer and still nearer, the fears of Mr Bouncer rose in a gradation of terrors, that threatened to culentleh, and I ot the head, you see, for Latin and Greek; and that beastly Euclid altogether sturief
I'entleman would cry, earnestly and sadly, ”I'iven me too much pap when I was a babby, and softened my brains! or else, why can't I walk into these classical parties just as easy as you, Charley, or old Giglamps there? But I can't, you see:for reading to get your head shaved It cools your brains, and gives full play to what you call your intellectual faculties I think I shall try the dodge, and get a gent's real head of hair, till after the exam; and then, when I've stuain”
And, as Mr Bouncer professed, so did he; and, not enerally by appearing in a wig of curly black hair It was a pleasing sight to see the little gentleman with a scalp like a billiard ball, a pipe in histo persuade hi up his subjects
It was stillto view hi, and hurl it at the scout, or any other offensive object that appeared before hiotten by the beholders, when, after too recklessly partaking of an indiscriaree, and cider-cup, he feebly threw his wig at the spectacles of Mr Verdant Green, and, overbalanced by the exertion, fell back into the coal-scuttle, where he lay, bald-headed and helpless, laughing and weeping by turns, and caressed by Huz and Buz But the shaving of his head was not the only feature (or,
[AN OXFORD FRESHMAN 211]
rather, loss of feature) that distinguished Mr Bouncer's reading for his degree The gentlee of the cornet-a-piston, who had the rooms immediately beneath those of our hero and his friend, had ress in his ot into his ”Cottage near a Wood” This gentle up when he was not wanted When Mr Bouncer felt as if he could read, and sat down to his books, wigless and deter211jpg> forced upon hi manner It was in vain that Mr Bouncer sounded his octaves in all their discordant variations; the gentlee on any terarded He had hoped that the ears of Mr Slowcoach (whose roole of the Quad) would have been pierced by the noise, and that he would have put a stop to the nuisance; but, either fro too custorown callous, the nuisance was suffered to continue unreproved
Mr Bouncer resolved, therefore, on so attention to one nuisance, by creating another of a louder description; and, as his octaves appeared to fail in this, -notwithstanding the energy and annoying ability that he threw into the up a druht of than carried out He e and formidable for his purpose, - hired it, and had it stealthily conveyed into college
[212 ADVENTURES OF MR VERDANT GREEN]
(like another Falstaff) in a linen ”buck-basket” He waited his opportunity; and, the next tientlee near a wood, Mr Bouncer, stationed on the landing above, played a thundering acco>
The echoes froht to the spot a rush of curious and excited undergraduates
Mr Bouncer, - after taking off his wig in honour of the air, - then treated theed as a dru sustained by the voices of those present; when in the midst of the entertainment, the reproachful features of Mr Slowcoach appeared upon the scene Sternly the tutor dee hubbub; and was answered by Mr Bouncer, that, as one gentleman was allowed to play ~his~ favourite instruratification, he could not see why he (Mr Bouncer) ratification his favourite instruical, was not altogether satisfactory to Mr Slowcoach; and, with soe in, what he terentleman's bald head), ”such an indecent exhibition” But, as he further ordered that the cornet-a-piston gentlee near a wood, only at stated hours in the afternoon, Mr
Bouncer had gained his point in putting a stop to the nuisance so far as it interfered with his reading; and, thenceforth, hehi up his subjects by the aid of those royal roads to knowledge, variously known as cribs, cras, abstracts, analyses, or epitomes
But, besides the assistance thus afforded to him ~out~ of the schools, Mr Bouncer, like many others, idle as well as
[AN OXFORD FRESHMAN 213]
ignorant, intended to assist hienuity could suggest, or his audacity carry out
”It's quite fair,” was the little gentleu as you only go in for a pass Of course, if you were going in for a class, or a scholarshi+p, or anything of that sort, it would be no end ht to be kicked out of the society of gentle any one any har, but choose to run the risk to save yourself the bother of being ploughed, why then, I think, a feller's bound to do what he can for hilamps, there's the Muet through; so I must crib a bit, if it's only for ~her~ sake”
But although the little gentleman thus made filial tenderness the excuse for his deceit, and the salve for his conscience, yet he could neither persuade Mr Verdant Green to follow his example, nor to be a convert to his opinions; nor would he be persuaded by our hero to relinquish his designs
”Why, look here, Giglamps!” Mr Bouncer would say; ”how ~can~ I relinquish the had all this trouble? I'll put you up to a few of lamps, you see here's a small circular bit of paper, covered with Peloponnesian and Punic wars, and no end of dates, - written sible, - with the chief things done in red ink Well, this gentlelass; and, when I get stumped for a date, out comes the watch; - I look at the tioes the date Here's another dodge!” added the little gentleer” - as he produced a shi+rt from a drawer ”Look here, at the wristbands! Here are all the Kings of Israel and Judah, with their dates and prophets, written down in India-ink, so as to wash out again You twitch up the cuff of your coat, quite accidentally, and then you book your king You see, Gigla what you want, written down small and shoved into a quill, and passed to you by soerous, don't you see And I don't like to hold cards in e of my own, that I intend to take out a patent for Like all truly great inventions, it's no end siht afore you, my little dear, and you will see this pack of cards, - all made of a size, nice to hold in the palm of your hand;
[214 ADVENTURES OF MR VERDANT GREEN]
they're about all sorts of ruar's got a hole drilled in hi with a little bit of hooked wire at the end,the card on it Well, I pass the string up my coat sleeve, and down under ot the wire end in the palm of my hand Then, I slip out the card I want, and hook it on to the wire, so that I can have it just before > write Then, if any of the examiners look suspicious, or if one of thes under the bottom of my waistcoat, and away flies the card up my coat sleeve; and when the examiner comes round, he sees thatin it! So he walks off satisfied; and then I shake the little beggar out of oes on as before And when the string's tight, even straightening your body is quite sufficient to hoist the card into your sleeve, without ot an Examination-coat made on purpose, with a heap of pockets, in which I can stow ular order These three pockets,” said Mr Bouncer, as he produced the coat, ”are entirely for Euclid Here's each probleularly in order, and I turn theet hold of the one I want, and then I take it out, and work it So you see, Giglah! - it's ih me, with all these contrivances That's a consolation for a cove in distress, ain't it, old feller?”
Both our hero and Charles Larkyns endeavoured to persuade
[AN OXFORD FRESHMAN 215]
Mr Bouncer that his conduct would, at the very least, be foolhardy, and that he had much better throw his pack of cards into the fire, wash the Kings of Israel and Judah off his shi+rt, destroy his strings and hooked wires, and keep his Exauentleman, like a deaf adder, shut his ears at the voice of the chars, and the Isis boatings, Mr