Part 16 (1/2)
”And what do you hope to gain by his death?”
”A good place when I die, if I believe in him, and love him.”
”Have you felt any uneasiness on account of your soul?”
”Oh, yes, sir, a great deal. When you used to talk to us children on Sat.u.r.days, I often felt as if I could hardly bear it, and wondered that others could seem so careless. I thought I was not fit to die. I thought of all the bad things I had ever done and said, and believed G.o.d must be very angry with me; for you often told us, that G.o.d would not be mocked; and that Christ said, if we were not converted, we could not go to heaven. Sometimes I thought I was so young it did not signify: and then, again, it seemed to me a great sin to think so; for I knew I was old enough to see what was right and what was wrong; and so G.o.d had a just right to be angry when I did wrong. Besides, I could see that my heart was not right; and how could such a heart be fit for heaven?
Indeed, sir, I used to feel very uneasy.”
”My dear Jenny, I wish I had known all this before. Why did you never tell me about it?”
”Sir, I durst not. Indeed, I could not well say what was the matter with me: and I thought you would look upon me as very bold, if I had spoke about myself to such a gentleman as you: yet I often wished that you knew what I felt and feared. Sometimes, as we went away from your house, I could not help crying; and then the other children laughed and jeered at me, and said I was going to be very good, they supposed, or at least to make people think so. Sometimes, sir, I fancied you did not think so well of me as of the rest, and that hurt me; yet I knew I deserved no particular favour, because I was the chief of sinners.”
”My dear, what made St. Paul say he was chief of sinners? In what verse of the Bible do you find this expression, 'the chief of sinners;' can you repeat it?”
”'This is a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptation, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners;'--is not that right, sir?”
”Yes, my child, it is right; and I hope that the same conviction which St. Paul had at that moment has made you sensible of the same truth.
Christ came into the world to save sinners: my dear child, remember now and for ever more, that Christ came into the world to save the chief of sinners.”
”Sir, I am so glad he did. It makes me hope that he will save me, though I am a poor sinful girl. Sir, I am very ill, and I do not think I shall ever get well again. I want to go to Christ if I die.”
”Go to Christ while you live, my dear child, and he will not cast you away when you die. He that said, 'Suffer little children to come unto me,' waits to be gracious to them, and forbids them not.”
”What made you first think so seriously about the state of your soul?”
”Your talking about the graves in the churchyard, and telling us how many young children were buried there. I remember you said, one day, near twelve months ago, 'Children! where will you be a hundred years hence?
Children! where do you think you shall go when you die? Children! if you were to die to-night, are you sure you should go to Christ and be happy?'
Sir, I never shall forget your saying, 'Children,' three times together in that solemn way.”
”Did you ever before that day feel any desire about your soul?”
”Yes, sir; I think I first had that desire almost as soon as you began to teach us on Sat.u.r.day afternoons; but on that day I felt as I never did before. I shall never forget it. All the way as I went home, and all that night, these words were in my thoughts: 'Children! where do you think you shall go when you die?' I thought I must leave off all my bad ways, or where shall I go when I died?”
”And what effect did these thoughts produce in your mind?”
”Sir, I tried to live better, and I did leave off many bad ways; but the more I strove, the more difficult I found it, my heart seemed so hard: and then I could not tell any one my case.”
”Could not you tell it to the Lord, who hears and answers prayers?”
”My prayers (here she blushed and sighed) are very poor at the best, and at that time I scarcely knew how to pray at all as I ought. But I did sometimes ask the Lord for a better heart.”
There was a character in all this conversation which marked a truly sincere and enlightened state of mind. She spoke with all the simplicity of a child, and yet the seriousness of a Christian. I could scarcely persuade myself that she was the same girl I had been accustomed to see in past time. Her countenance was filled with interesting affections, and always spoke much more than her tongue could utter. At the same time she now possessed an ease and liberty in speaking, to which she had formerly been a stranger: nevertheless, she was modest, humble, and una.s.suming. Her readiness to converse was the result of spiritual anxiety, not childish forwardness. The marks of a Divine change were too prominent to be easily mistaken; and in this very child, I, for the first time, witnessed the evident testimonies of such a change. How encouraging, how profitable to my own soul!
”Sir,” continued little Jane, ”I had one day been thinking that I was neither fit to live nor die: for I could find no comfort in this world, and I was sure I deserved none in the other. On that day you sent me to learn the verse on Mrs. B---'s headstone, and then I read that on the one next to it.”
”I very well remember it, Jenny; you came back, and repeated them both to me.”