Part 6 (2/2)

A fortune! ten thousand! Oh, la!

That's the physic for _you_, my poor lad.

This way, sir; it's not very far.

Mind that stair, please--the banister's broke.

Here's his door; hush, I'll knock. Ah! asleep.

Can't help it--you'd better be woke; The news is too pretty to keep.

Ain't he sound, eh? Poor fellow, he's rocked To rest in the Kingdom of Nod.

We'd better go in. It's not locked.

Follow me, sir. All dark. Oh! my G.o.d!

GARNET WALCH.

_FREE TRADE v. PROTECTION._

Yes, they were boys together in the grand old Fatherland, They fubbed at taw together, played truant hand-in-hand, They sucked each other's toffy, they cribbed each other's tops, They pledged eternal friends.h.i.+p in an ounce of acid drops.

With no tie of blood between them, a greater bond was theirs, Cemented by the constant swop of apples, nuts, and pears; And when to manhood they had grown, with manhood's hispid chins, They held as close together still as Siam's famous twins.

And Dobbins swore by Jobbins, and Jobbins vowed that he Would never break with Dobbins, whate'er their fate might be, So Jobbins came with Dobbins across the restless main, And they traded as D., J. & Co., and gained much worldly gain.

Each gave the other dinners, each drank the other's health, Each looked upon the other as a ”mine of mental wealth,”

And Dobbins swore by Jobbins, and Jobbins vowed that he Would never break with Dobbins, whate'er their fate might be.

But ah! for human nature--alas for human kind-- There came a cloud between them, with a lot more clouds behind.

The Tariff was the demon fell which sad disruption made, For our Dobbins loved Protection, while our Jobbins loved Free Trade.

As partners now in business, they could no more agree, So they forthwith dissoluted and halved the s. d.

And the fiercest opposition in every sort of way, Was carried on by Dobbins _versus_ Jobbins day by day.

Then Dobbins entered Parliament, and so did Jobbins too, And each upheld his principles amidst that motley crew-- And the side that Dobbins voted with were victors of the hour.

And Dobbins was made Treasurer while Jobbins' grapes were sour.

Then Dobbins went to work with glee, protecting everything, And gave his pet proclivities the very fullest swing, Set all the manger-loving dogs a-barking in his praise, And raised the Tariff up kite-high, a real four-aces' raise.

He taxed the pots, he taxed the pans, he taxed the children's mugs, He taxed the brooms, he taxed the mops, He taxed the jars and jugs; In soft and hardware every line was smothered by his dues, Except the national _tin tax_--the Ministerial _screws_.

He taxed each article of food, each article of wear, He even taxed fresh water, and he tried to tax fresh air; He improvised new duties, new taxes by the score, And when he stopped awhile to think he taxed his brain for more.

And not one blessed cla.s.s of goods was entered at the port, But what he advaloremed till he made importers snort; Till even old Protectionists, grown h.o.a.ry in the cause, Began to change to fidgets what had started as applause.

Poor Jobbins suffered hugely by his whilom partner's tricks, But found it rather dangerous to kick against the p.r.i.c.ks; He had to grin and bear it, as many a worthy man Has grinned and borne it in his turn since this mad world began.

Now Dobbins, flushed with Fortune's smiles, his high ambition fed, Bethought him that the time had come when he might safely wed.

So by the wire electrical, as he had nicely planned, He sent this loving message to the grand old Fatherland.

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