Part 5 (1/2)

vi. 46. _For_, _if we sin wilfully_, _after we have received the knowledge of the truth_, _there remains no more sacrifice for sin_, _but a certain fearful looking for of judgment_, _and fiery indignation_, _which shall devour the adversaries_. Heb. x. 26, 27. _As Esau_, _who for one morsel of meat_, _sold his birthright_. _For ye know how that afterward_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he was rejected_; _for he found no place of repentance_, _though he sought it carefully with tears_. Heb. xii. 16, 17.

197. Now was the word of the gospel forced from my soul; so that no promise or encouragement was to be found in the Bible for me: and now would that saying work upon my spirit to afflict me, _Rejoice not_, _O Israel_, _for joy_, _as other people_. Hos. ix. 1. For I saw indeed, there was cause of rejoicing for those that held to Jesus; but for me, I had cut myself off by my transgressions, and left myself neither foot-hold, or hand-hold, among all the stays and props in the precious word of life.

198. And truly, I did now feel myself to sink into a gulph, as an house whose foundation is destroyed; I did liken myself in this condition, unto the case of some child that was fallen into a mill-pit, who though it could make some s.h.i.+ft to scramble and sprawl in the water, yet because it could find neither hold for hand nor foot, therefore at last it must die in that condition. So soon as this fresh a.s.sault had fastened on my soul, that scripture came into my heart, This _for many days_. Dan. x.

14. And indeed I found it was so; for I could not be delivered, nor brought to peace again, until well nigh two years and a half were completely finished. Wherefore these words, though in themselves, they tended to discouragement, yet to me, who feared this condition would be eternal, they were at some times as an help and refreshment to me.

199. For, thought I, _many days_ are not for ever, _many days_ will have an end; therefore seeing I was to be afflicted not a few but _many days_, yet I was glad it was but _for many days_. Thus, I say, I would recall myself sometimes, and give myself an help, for as soon as ever the words came into my mind, at first, I knew my trouble would be long, yet this would be but sometimes; for I could not always think on this, nor ever be helped by it, though I did.

200. Now while the scriptures lay before me, and laid sin anew at my door, that saying, in Luke xviii. 1, with others, did encourage me to prayer: then the tempter laid again at me very sore, suggesting, _That neither the mercy of G.o.d_, _nor yet the blood of Christ_, _did at all concern me_, _nor could they help me for my sin_; _therefore it was but in vain to pray_. Yet, thought I, _I will pray_. _But_, said the tempter, _your sin is unpardonable_. Well, said I, _I will pray_. 'Tis to no boot, said he. Yet said I, _I will pray_. So I went to prayer to G.o.d; and while I was at prayer, I uttered words to this effect: _Lord_, _Satan tells me_, _that neither Thy mercy_, _nor Christ's blood_, _is sufficient to save my soul_: _Lord_, _shall I honour Thee most_, _by believing Thou wilt_, _and canst_? _or him_, _by believing Thou neither wilt not nor canst_? _Lord_, _I would fain honour Thee_, _by believing Thou wilt and canst_.

201. And as I was thus before the Lord, that scripture fastened on my heart (O man, great is thy faith), Matt. xv. 28, even as if one had clapped me on the back, as I was on my knees before G.o.d: yet I was not able to believe this, that this was a prayer of faith, till almost six months after; for I could not think that I had faith, or that there should be a word for me to act faith on; therefore I should still be, as sticking in the jaws of desperation, and went mourning up and down in a sad condition.

202. There was nothing now that I longed for more than to be put out of doubt, as to this thing in question, and as I was vehemently desiring to know, if there was indeed hope for me, these words came rolling into my mind, _Will the Lord cast off for ever_? _and will He be favourable no more_? _Is His mercy clean gone for ever_? _Doth His promise fail for evermore_? _Hath G.o.d forgotten to be gracious_? _Hath He in anger shut up His tender mercies_? Ps. lxxvii. 79. And all the while they run in my mind, methought I had still this as the answer, '_Tis a question whether He hath or no_: _it may be He hath not_. Yea, the interrogatory seemed to me to carry in it a sure affirmation that indeed He had not, nor would so cast off, but would be favourable: that His promise doth not fail, and that He had not forgotten to be gracious, nor would in anger shut up tender mercy. Something also there was upon my heart at the same time, which I cannot now call to mind, which, with this text, did sweeten my heart, and make me conclude, that His mercy might not be quite gone, nor clean gone for ever.

203. At another time I remembered, I was again much under this question, _Whether the blood of Christ was sufficient to save my soul_? in which doubt I continued from morning, till about seven or eight at night: and at last, when I was, as it were, quite worn out with fear, lest it should not lay hold on me, these words did sound suddenly within my heart: _He is able_. But methought, this word _able_, was spoke loud unto me; it showed a _great word_, it seemed to be writ in _great letters_, and gave such a jostle to my fear and doubt (I mean for the time it tarried with me, which was about a day) as I never had from that, all my life, either before or after. Heb. vii. 25.

204. But one morning as I was again at prayer, and trembling under the fear of this, _That no word of G.o.d could help me_, that piece of a sentence darted in upon me, _My grace is sufficient_. At this, methought I felt some stay, as if there might be hopes. But, oh! how good a thing it is for G.o.d to send His word! for, about a fortnight before, I was looking on this very place, and then I thought it could not come near my soul with comfort, therefore I threw down my book in a pet: then I thought it was not large enough for me; no, not large enough; but now it was as if it had arms of grace so wide, that it could not only enclose me, but many more such as I besides.

205. By these words I was sustained, yet not without exceeding conflicts, for the s.p.a.ce of seven or eight weeks; for my peace would be in it, and out, sometimes twenty times a day; comfort now, and trouble presently; peace now, and before I could go a furlong, as full of fear and guilt as ever heart could hold. And this was not only now and then, but my whole seven weeks' experience: for this about _the sufficiency of grace_, and _that_ of _Esau's_ parting with his birthright, would be like a pair of scales within my mind; sometimes one end would be uppermost, and sometimes again the other; according to which would be my peace or trouble.

206. Therefore I did still pray to G.o.d, that He would come in with this scripture more fully on my heart; to wit, that He would help me to apply the whole sentence, for as yet I could not: that He gave, that I gathered; but farther I could not go, for as yet it only helped me to hope there might be mercy for me; _My grace is sufficient_: And though it came no farther, it answered my former question, to wit, That there was hope; yet because _for thee_ was left out, I was not contented, but prayed to G.o.d for that also. Wherefore, one day, when I was in a meeting of G.o.d's people, full of sadness and terror; for my fears again were strong upon me; and, as I was now thinking, my soul was never the better, but my case most sad and fearful, these words did with great power suddenly break in upon me; _My grace is sufficient for thee_, _My grace is sufficient for thee_, _My grace is sufficient for thee_, three times together: And oh! methought that every word was a mighty word unto me; as _My_, and _grace_, and _sufficient_, and _for thee_; they were then, and sometimes are still, far bigger than others be.

207. At which time my understanding was so enlightened, that I was as though I had seen the Lord Jesus look down from heaven, through the tiles upon me, and direct these words unto me. This sent me mourning home; it broke my heart, and filled me full of joy, and laid me low as the dust; only it stayed not long with me, I mean in this glory and refres.h.i.+ng comfort; yet it continued with me for several weeks, and did encourage me to hope: but as soon as that powerful operation of it was taken from my heart, that other, about _Esau_, returned upon me as before: so my soul did hang as in a pair of scales again, sometimes up, and sometimes down; now in peace, and anon again in terror.

208. Thus I went on for many weeks, sometimes comforted, and sometimes tormented; and especially at sometimes my torment would be very sore, for all those scriptures forenamed in the _Hebrews_, would be set before me, as the only sentences that would keep me out of heaven. Then again I would begin to repent that ever that thought went through me; I would also think thus with myself: _Why_, _how many scriptures are there against me_? _There are but three or four_; _And cannot G.o.d miss them_, _and save me for all them_? Sometimes again I would think, _Oh_! _if it were not for these three or four words_, _now how might I be comforted_!

And I could hardly forbear at some times, to wish them out of the book.

209. Then methought I should see as if both _Peter_ and _Paul_, and _John_, and all the writers, did look with scorn upon me, and hold me in derision; and as if they had said unto me, _All our words are truth_, _one of as much force as another_: _it is not we that have cut you of_, _but you have cast away yourself_. _There is none of our sentences that you must take hold upon_, _but these and such as these_; _it is impossible_, Heb. vi.; _there remains no more sacrifice for sin_, Heb. x.

_And it had been better for them not to have known the will of G.o.d_, _than after they had known it_, _to turn from the holy commandment delivered unto them_, 2 Peter ii. 21. _For the Scriptures cannot be broken_. John x. 35.

210. These, as the elders of the city of refuge, I saw, were to be judges both of my case and me, while I stood with the _avenger_ of blood at my heels, trembling at their gate for deliverance; also with a thousand fears and mistrusts, I doubted that they would shut me out for ever. Joshua xx. 3. 4.

211. Thus I was confounded, not knowing what to do, or how to be satisfied in this question, _Whether the scriptures could agree in the salvation of my soul_? I quaked at the apostles; I knew their words were true, and that they must stand for ever.

212. And I remember one day, as I was in divers frames of spirit, and considering that these frames were according to the nature of several scriptures that came in upon my mind; if this of grace, then was I quiet; but of that of _Esau_, then tormented. Lord, thought I, _if both these scriptures should meet in my heart at once_, _I wonder which of them would get the better of me_. So methought I had a longing mind that they might come both together upon me; yea, I desired of G.o.d they might.

213. Well, about two or three days after, so they did indeed; they bolted both upon me at a time, and did work and struggle strangely in me for a while; at last that about _Esau's_ birthright began to wax weak, and withdraw, and vanish; and this, about the sufficiency of grace prevailed with peace and joy. And as I was in a muse about this thing, that scripture came in upon me, _Mercy rejoiceth against judgment_.

James ii. 13.

214. This was a wonderment to me; yet truly, I am apt to think it was of G.o.d; for the word of the law and wrath, must give place to the word of life and grace; because, though the word of condemnation be glorious, yet the word of life and salvation doth far exceed in glory. 2 Cor. iii.

811. _Mark_ ix. 57. _John_ vi. 37. Also that _Moses_ and _Elias_ must both vanish, and leave Christ and His saints alone.

215. This scripture also did now most sweetly visit my soul; _And him that cometh to Me_, _I will in no wise cast out_. Oh! the comfort that I had from this word, _in no wise_! As who should say, _By no means_, _for nothing whatever he hath done_. But Satan would greatly labour to pull this promise from me, telling of me, _That Christ did not mean me and such as I_, _but sinners of a lower rank_, _that had not done as I had done_. But I would answer him again, _Satan_, _here is in these words no such exception_; _but him that comes_, _him_, _any him_: _him that cometh to Me I will in no wise cast out_. And this I well remember still, that of all the slights that Satan used to take this scripture from me, yet he never did so much as put this question, _But do you come aright_? And I have thought the reason was, because he thought I knew full well what coming aright was; for I saw that to come aright, was to come as I was, a vile and unG.o.dly sinner, and to cast myself at the feet of mercy, condemning myself for sin. If ever Satan and I did strive for any word of G.o.d in all my life, it was for this good word of Christ; he at one end, and I at the other: Oh! what work did we make! It was for this in _John_, I say, that we did so tug and strive, he pulled, and I pulled; but G.o.d be praised, I got the better of him; I got some sweetness from it.

216. But notwithstanding all these helps, and blessed words of grace, yet that of _Esau's_ selling of his birthright, would still at times distress my conscience: for though I had been most sweetly comforted, and that but just before, yet when that came into my mind, 'twould make me fear again: I could not be quite rid thereof, 'twould every day be with me: wherefore now I went another way to work, even to consider the nature of this blasphemous thought, I mean, if I should take the words at the largest, and give them their own natural force and scope, even every word therein: so when I had thus considered, I found, that if they were fairly taken, they would amount to this; _That I had freely left the Lord Jesus Christ to His choice_, _whether He would be my Saviour or no_; for the wicked words were these, _Let Him go_, _if He will_. Then that scripture gave me hope, _I will never leave thee_, _nor forsake thee_. Heb. xiii.

5. 'O Lord,' said I, _but I have left Thee_. Then it answered again, _But I will not leave thee_. For this I thanked G.o.d also.

217. Yet I was grievous afraid He should, and found it exceeding hard to trust Him, seeing I had so offended Him: I could have been exceeding glad that this thought had never befallen; for then I thought I could with more ease and freedom in abundance, have leaned on His grace. I saw it was with me, as it was with _Joseph's_ brethren; the guilt of their own wickedness did often fill them with fears that their brother would at last despise them. Gen. l. 15, 16, etc.

218. Yet above all the scriptures that I yet did meet with that in _Joshua_ xx. was the greatest comfort to me, which speaks of the slayer that was to flee for refuge: _And if the avenger of blood pursue the slayer_, then saith _Moses_, _they that are the elders of the city of refuge shall not deliver him into his hands_, _because he smote his neighbour unwittingly and hated him not aforetime_. Oh! blessed be G.o.d for this word: I was convinced that I was the slayer; and that the avenger of blood pursued me, I felt with great terror; only now it remained that I inquire whether I have right to enter the city of refuge: so I found, that he must not, _who lay in wait to shed blood_: It was not the wilful _murderer_, but he who _unwittingly_ did it, he who did it unawares; not out of spite, or grudge, or malice, he that shed it unwittingly: even he who did not _hate his neighbour before_. Wherefore,

219. I thought verily I was the man that must enter, because I had smitten my neighbour _unwittingly_, _and hated Him not aforetime_. I hated Him not aforetime; no, I prayed unto Him, was tender of sinning against Him; yea, and against this wicked temptation I had strove for a twelvemonth before; yea, and also when it did pa.s.s through my heart, it did in spite of my teeth: wherefore I thought I had a right to enter this city, and the elders, which are the _apostles_, were not to deliver me up. This therefore was great comfort to me, and gave me much ground of hope.