Part 19 (1/2)

”That often?”

”Monday-Wednesday-Friday. He's going to jump me into heavy therapy at first to see if we can get a quick response. As I said, he's not Dr. Warmth, but if he knows his stuff and can get me through this, then he's the one I should be with.”

”I guess so. I just-”

”It's all my fault!” she blurted. Tears glistened in her eyes. ”If only I'd listened to him and not tried that hypnotism, none of this would be happening.”

”Don't blame yourself, Kara. You had to know if-”

”And now I do! Rob, I'm frightened! To think that I was standing over Jill's bed with my father's old carving knife, cutting words into the wall! It makes me sick!”

”You'll be all right. They don't come any tougher than you, Kara. If anyone's going to lick this thing, it's you.”

Rob desperately wanted to raise her spirits and would have said anything to buck her up, but he believed what he'd said. Kara was strong. He had real faith in her mental toughness.

”I hope so,” she said, sniffing and wiping her eyes with a napkin. She finished her wine. ”Can we get out of here?”

”Sure.”

”Staying at your aunt's?” he said as he drove toward the East Side on Twenty-fourth. With all the little businesses closed and no trucks double parked to load and unload, it was an easy trip.

”For now. I don't know what I'm going to do long term. This could be a lengthy siege. I may have to move here.”

Rob was ashamed of the tiny surge of delight those words elicited. He knew how she hated the city.

She said, ”During the day I'll be at Ellen's with Jill.

She'll sleep there, too. But for the time being I'm going to sleep over at Kelly's.”

”Alone? Why on earth would you want to do that?”

”I don't. But Dr. Gates suggested it. He said I should spend my nights there until we see how things go. Otherwise I run the risk of Jill seeing me as Janine. I don't want that. What if she had awakened when I was carving those words over her bed? What if she'd tried to talk to me then, someone who looked like her mother but wasn't wasn't? I can't risk frightening her like that. Or worse, run the risk of hurting her when I'm Janine.”

”How long can that go on?”

”I don't know. Until we're sure the sleeping pills Dr. Gates gave me will keep Janine asleep, too. Then I'll feel safe being in the same house with Jill.”

Rob shook his head. This sounded almost like one of those corny old Psycho-type Psycho-type movies. All that was needed now was a walk-on by Betty Davis or Joan Crawford. movies. All that was needed now was a walk-on by Betty Davis or Joan Crawford.

But this was no movie.

”I'll stay with you,” he said.

Rob surprised himself. Where did that come from Where did that come from? He could feel the small hairs at the back of his neck rise at the thought of meeting the Janine side of Kara.

Kara looked at him, a slight, skeptical smile playing on her lips.

”Thanks, Rob. That's kind of you, but it won't be necessary.”

”You can't always do everything on your own, Kara,” he said, hiding his hurt at being rejected, and annoyed at his big mouth for setting himself up for it. ”Sometimes you have to admit that you need help.”

”I know that.” Her smiled broadened. ”And when I do, you'll be the first one I call.”

They said little during the rest of the drive back to her Aunt Ellen's. Rob hoped all along the way that Kara would ask him in for dinner. She didn't.

9:30 P.M.

After dinner, after tucking Jill in and repeating for what seemed like the hundredth time the not-quite-true explanation of why her mother had to sleep at Aunt Kelly's for a few nights, Kara returned to the apartment house on East Sixty-third. Her stomach twisted slowly into a knot as she climbed the front steps. What would tonight bring?

In the vestibule, a business card protruding from the slot in the 2-C mailbox-Kelly's-caught her eye. It was from Ed Bannion.

Kara Wade- Call me re: Kelly's estate.

E.B.

He'd written his home number on the front.

Kelly's estate? Kelly didn't have an estate. Kara decided to call him tomorrow.

In the apartment, she tried to shed the dread and apprehension that clung to her as she wandered through the empty rooms.

This was where Kelly had tried to fight the same problem. And Kelly had lost.

But Kelly hadn't been taking her sleeping pills-at least that was what Dr. Gates had said. Kara would. She'd take one every night if it proved helpful.

But that wasn't all she'd do.

She marched into Kelly's bedroom and pulled all the sleazy underwear, blouses, sweaters, skirts, and other paraphernalia from under the night tables and dresser and stuffed them into two of the Dagostino bags Kelly had stored between the fridge and the wall. When everything was packed, she took the bags out to the corner of Sixty-third and First and left them under the street light. She was reasonably sure they'd be gone by the time she made it back to the front door of the apartment house. Absolutely sure they'd be gone within the hour.

When she got back to the apartment, she locked the dead bolt and hunted around for a place to hide the key. Dr. Gates had told her that in cases of multiple personalities the quiescent personality was unaware of the other personality's activities during its active phase. Kara didn't know of any other key in Kelly's apartment, so she figured that if Janine should take control during the night, she would not be able to leave the apartment if Kara hid this one well enough.

She finally decided on the right rear corner of the top rack in the oven. Who in their right mind would look there for a key?

Don't ask.

After that she showered. As she lathered up, Rob's words from the afternoon came back to her: You can't always do everything on your own, Kara.

How many times in her life had she heard that? From her mother and father, from Kelly, from friends. n.o.body seemed to understand her. She didn't want to do everything on her own. She wasn't looking to cut herself off. She just wanted to be able to stand free and clear. She'd take help when she couldn't provide it herself-like seeing Dr. Gates for therapy-but what she could could do on her own, she do on her own, she would would do on her own. do on her own.

Maybe she'd picked it up from her Amish neighbors, who were ”beholding to no one,” as they put it. But Kara sensed it went deeper than that. The need for autonomy, to control her own life, seemed to be engraved on her soul. Which made the possibility of another personality taking over at any time-even if it was just for a few seconds-especially loathsome.

She got ready for bed. She wished she could do a little writing but she was exhausted. She didn't think she'd need a sleeping pill, but she was going to follow doctor's orders strictly. At least for now. She took one of Kelly's leftover Halcions, settled in Kelly's bed with one of Kelly's back issues of Rolling Stone Rolling Stone, and tried not to think about Kelly. Or Janine. Or how alone and afraid she was. And how comforting it would be to have someone to talk to right now. And how stupid she'd been for refusing Rob's offer to stay the night.

Somewhere between comforting and stupid, Kara fell asleep.