Part 10 (1/2)

That heifer never bek.u.m a cow.

This iz one way tew brake a kicking heifer, and after a man haz studdyed all the books in kreashun on the subjek, and tried them on, he will fall back onto mi plan, and make up hiz mind, az i did, that a kicking heifer iz wuth more for beef than she iz for theoretick milk.

I hav worked on a pharm just long enuff tew kno that thare iz no prayers so good for poor land az manure, and no theory kan beat twelve hours each day, (sundaze excepted) of honest labour applied tew the sile.

I am an old phas.h.i.+oned ph.e.l.low, and hartily hate most nu things, bekauze i hav bin beat bi them so often.

I never knu a pharm that waz worked pretty mutch by theory, but what waz for sale, or to let, in a fu years, and i never knu a pharm that waz worked by manure, and muscle, on the good old ignorant way ov our ansestors, but what waz handed down, from father to son, and alwus waz noted for razing brawny armed boys, and buxom la.s.ses, and fust rate potatoze.

What i kno about pharmin, iz nothing but experiense, and experiense, (now daze,) aint wuth a kuss.

I had rather hav a good looking theory, tew ketch flats with, than the experiense--even ov Methuseler.

Experiense iz a good thing tew lay down and die with, but yu kant do no big bizzness with it, (now daze,) it aint hot enuff.

Giv me a red hot humbug, and i kan make most ov the experiense, in this world ashamed ov itself.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS.

Qu.--Did you ever see an old horce, holler-eyed and bony, limp-legged and pur-blind, kivvered with a gold-plated harniss and waited upon by a spruce postillion, and a liveryed coachman?

Ans.--Yes i hav, and i hav seen old age put on pomposity, hobble in brocade, command reverance, exult with pride and grin with pain, and i hav sed tew myself ”poor old hoss.”

Qu.--Did yu ever hear phools, and even wise men say that life waz short, that deth waz certain, that happiness waz skase?

Ans.--I have herd theze remarks quite often, but i never herd a bizzy man find enny fault with the length of life, nor a pure one regret that deth waz a sure thing, nor a vartuous one konplain about the high price of happiness.

Qu.--Did you ever hear an old maid prattle about the falsity ov man, the grate risk thare waz in having one, the bliss thare waz in being boss ov one's self?

Ans.--It seems tew me that i hav, and i have alwus felt az tho the old virgin waz taking medicine awl the time she was saying it.

Qu.--Iz thare enny vacancy at present for a man in polite sirkles, who didn't hav a ritch daddy, or who hadn't bored suckcessfully for ile himself?

Ans.--If we hear ov enny sutch opening we will telegraff yu at once, but jist now, the way things are run, a man with seedy garments on would even git kicked out ov a fust kla.s.s meeting house, and be put under 10 thousand dollar bonds tew keep the peace. Our advice tew a poor, but virtewous individual, would be tew take hiz virtew under hiz arm, keep shady, and let the polite sirkles chew each other.

Qu.--Kan a young man without enny mustash git a situation in Nu York Sitty?

Ans.--Yes, but it would probably be in the station-house. Yung men without enny mustash are looked upon with suspicion, and yu will find, if yu put them under oath, that they either haint got ennything but common sense, or they are too stingy to buy a bottle ov ”Bolivards's oil ov seduktion,” warrented tew fetch hair, or tare oph the lip.

Qu.--Kan yu inform me the best way that haz yet been invented yet to bring up a boy?

Ans.--Giv me 10 dollars and i will tell you. But here is a recipee that i giv away. Bring up your boy in fear ov the rod and a gin mill.

Qu.--Iz thare enny kure for natral laziness, whare it iz a part ov a man's const.i.tushun and bye laws?

Ans.--Only one kure, that iz, milk a cow on the run, and subsist on the milk.