Part 3 (1/2)

”Then,” I said, ”I suppose we'd better not worry about it.”

”Miss Dorothea Tonkin gave me some advice.”

”What was that?”

”To always let you do as you please and to never require you to ask for money.”

”I didn't see you two speaking.”

”I vowed to do as she suggested.”

Now I fell silent, a bit startled.

”She said, 'Your wife is the sort of young woman who will always be thoughtful and prudent, and so you need not prove your authority over her by means of undesirable constraints.' ”

”I hope that she knows me better with our short acquaintance than my sisters do after twenty years, because they would hardly agree.” I didn't know that I agreed with this kind a.s.sessment, either, but I held my tongue. Of course, later events tested my prudence considerably.

He shrugged his shoulders, as if to say that my sisters were so long gone as to be of very little import. And it was true. In all the time from that day to this, my sisters have never seemed so far behind me as they did that night in the Vandeventer House.

I found Mr. Newton a remarkably pleasant and agreeable man, more so with every pa.s.sing hour.

The next morning, after we had dressed and taken our first marital breakfast and been informed by the porter that we would have to vacate our room before ten, Mr. Newton led me by the hand over to the heavy box, and as I stood there, he pried off the lid. I can't say that I understood at first what I was seeing, so unexpected was it. I looked at Thomas, then back into the box. They were still there, gleaming as darkly as before in the rays of morning sunlight. Impulsively, I stepped to the window and drew the shade. I said, ”Have you had these with you all these weeks? Since before we met?”

”I have.”

”Does anyone know about them?”

”My friends in Kansas have been waiting for them these four weeks.”

”How many are there?”

”Twelve.”

I looked at them again. They of course didn't move, but they seemed alive. He said, ”Sharps rifles. Twelve Sharps rifles.”

I said, ”Their barrels are very short.”

”They're carbines.” Then: ”Can you really shoot? Frank said you can.”

”Will I be required to?”

He didn't answer that. ”I haven't heard from my friends, but the newspapers I've seen around here today run pretty hot. Of course, you never know what they're putting in just to work people up.”

”I can shoot a bottle or a pumpkin. Frank and I did that.”

We were silent for a moment, looking at the short black barrels of the weapons, then he slipped his arm about my waist. He said, ”When I set out from Ma.s.sachusetts, I knew these might put me in danger once I got near Kansas. The danger isn't going to be any less just because I found a wife on the way.”

”Oh, it might be,” I said, ”if I look sufficiently girlish and you seem sufficiently callow. My goodness me, just what are those ugly things? How did they get mixed up with my quilts and feather beds? I thought we'd ordered a stove!”

”I calculated in the night that we can still go back up the river and cross through Iowa and Nebraska and then turn south.”

”I thought we were in a tremendous hurry. September first is in three days.”

”It's a dilemma. In Quincy, I estimated the danger as rather small, but here in slave country, with what the Missouri papers are saying-”

”You're too used to looking and acting like an abolitionist. Do what Roland Brereton does: smile at the Negro children and frown severely at the men and women, as if you are ruminating over some soon-to-be-deserved punishment, and you'll fit in perfectly. You mustn't be eager to befriend the porters and the draymen and the serving maids, or to make it up to them that they live in bondage. It's one thing to be an abolitionist pa.s.sing through Missouri, and it's quite another to be an abolitionist pa.s.sing through Missouri with twelve Sharps rifles.”

He nodded, then pulled me more tightly against him. My tone of course was light, but I wasn't happy by any means about our baggage.

He nailed the lid back on the box. An hour later, I watched it being carried aboard the Independence with as much apparent indifference as if it contained the ”harness” that was written on the side.

Travel up the Missouri was slower and more distressing than travel down the Mississippi. I had plenty of time to ponder the rifles Thomas was transporting to his friends in Kansas, people I had not met but whom I'd imagined as a small group of aspiring farmers whose ambitions ran to a few head of cattle and horses, a few acres of corn and flax. That they shared his abolitionist feelings I'd taken as evidence of benignity and charitableness-my sister Miriam, after all, though peppery and uncommonly plainspoken, was the kindest person I'd ever met, the only truly kind person in our family, if kindness could be defined as eagerness to do good in things large and small whether that goodness accrued to one's own benefit or not. When Roland Brereton made of abolitionists great demons of aggression whose first delights were stealing Negroes and killing their owners, and, if that wasn't possible, forcing the Congress and the states to pa.s.s laws that would do the same thing with less fun about it, I thought of Miriam and of Roger Howell or of ”poor Dr. Eels,” who suffered so for his beliefs. I'd thought Roland saw the dark shadow of his own self in those supposed abolitionists. It was Roland, after all, who said from time to time that folks were going to bring slavery back to Illinois, mark his words, and everybody would be the better for it, not only the poor n.i.g.g.e.rs. After one of these speeches, Harriet would roll her eyes and whisper, ”He doesn't mean that! He's harmless as a baby!”

But now I'd seen those rifles, rifles I had heard of, that were made in New England and coveted by everyone for their pinhole accuracy. It's a fact that no bride knows what layers are in her groom, that every wedding is a lottery, too. All weddings are alike in that. But it was also true that with my money from the sale of my father's house in my pocket, I'd seen what I wanted to see in Mr. Thomas Newton. Those rifles that I didn't like to think of were part of my bridal portion, and I dared not speak about it, even to Thomas.

Thomas, himself, continued agreeable and affectionate. We shared a tiny stateroom off the ladies'cabin, and each evening he came to me about ten o'clock. We also made it a point to take our meals together, but the customs of travel made it difficult for us to begin experiencing any prolonged marital intimacy. I did see that apart from me, Thomas seemed not to be establis.h.i.+ng much acquaintance on the boat. When I asked him about it, he smiled and said that at one end of the men's saloon, the gamblers were fleecing the emigrants, and at the other end, there was much praying going on, and it was interesting to observe, he said, which of the prospective settlers regularly made their way between the two enterprises. But apart from these observations, he had some books to read, and spending his daylight hours sitting beside the aft rail of the hurricane deck improving his time in this quiet fas.h.i.+on would prepare him best for the weeks and months of hard work to come.

There were a dozen or so ladies taking pa.s.sage in the ladies' cabin, and many more taking deck pa.s.sage below. We were a widely a.s.sorted bunch, and there were a few I might have spoken to more readily if I hadn't been so mindful of those rifles. Four of the women were going to Kansas, and two of these had small children. Each of the four was from a different place: One woman and her husband and two sons were coming from Pennsylvania; another was traveling from Louisville, Kentucky. A very small young woman, whose baby looked sickly, had come all the way from Nova Scotia, in Canada, to meet her husband, who was an American and waiting for her in Leavenworth. A girl of about my age had lived four years in Saint Louis with cousins but had come originally from Bavaria. She had more cousins in Kansas, including one young man whom it was expected that she would marry. She tatted without ceasing, the lace rolling out from between her fingers as if from a machine. She smiled all the time, too, the way foreigners do, but when she spoke, it was almost without accent. Under different circ.u.mstances, I thought, I could have made a friend of her.

It was readily apparent to me that I wasn't the same person on the steamboat that I had been in Quincy. Certain fixed elements of my character that my sisters and I had always taken for granted seemed to have disappeared. For example, I'd always gone my own way, without making close friends of any girls my age, even my schoolmates, when I'd had them. Those girls seemed foolish to me, too interested in dress patterns and bonnets and pretty things, and I drew back from them. But really, they were smaller and daintier than I was, and pretty things looked flattering on them. I looked best in plain. And of course, there was the problem of my father and sisters. The fathers of my acquaintances were young, healthy, and mostly prosperous. My father's friends, what few he had, had all died years before, and anyway, he had been a man who made deals, not strong ties or even alliances. He was interested only in men who had something to buy or sell, and each one of them was his potential antagonist. His dearest relations.h.i.+p had been to his horse, or possibly to his house. My sisters, too, had few friends, because always, and over everything else, they had each other, and none of them was really interested in anyone outside the family. An ax ground away from the family whetstone couldn't even take an edge for them. And so for various reasons, mostly my own, I'd been friendless and liked it that way, been quiet and proud of it. Now, on the Independence, all the women and girls had some feature of note that made me long to speak in a friendly way, but the rifles shut my mouth.

And then there was the question of usefulness. There was plenty of time, as the days pa.s.sed in the ladies' cabin, to observe the other women and their children and, as well, to dip into Miss Beecher's book. One moment I would watch a mother's agile fingers as she brushed and plaited her three daughters' silky hair, never losing patience with the flyaway wisps that made me, from across the room, desire to yank them out of the child's head in frustration; the next moment I would read: ”At least twice in the twenty-four hours, the patient should be well covered, and fresh air freely admitted from out of doors. After this, if need be, the room should be restored to a proper temperature, by the aid of a fire. Bedding and clothing should be well aired, and frequently changed; as the exhalations from the body, in sickness, are peculiarly deleterious. Frequent ablutions of the whole body, are very useful....” I looked up. Here was the German girl, finis.h.i.+ng off the sleeve of a child's knitted jacket that she had begun just an hour before. I read: ”In selecting carpets, for rooms much used, it is poor economy to buy cheap ones. Ingrain carpets, of close texture, and the three-ply carpets, are best for common use.” My eyes drifted down the page. ”... cannot be turned ....,” ”... black threads ... rotten ... ,” ”... begin to cut in the middle of a figure.... ,” ”... ball-st.i.tch ...” Beside me, a mother sat with her little boy, reading from an alphabet book. Every second or two, she said in a low voice, ”Robbie, pay attention to what I'm telling you, now. Don't kick the chair runner. What is this letter? Well, then, what is this picture? Robbie, look at the book with Mama.” Robbie said, ”I'm hungry, Mama! Don't you have a bit of something to eat? When will they have dinner?” My book fell closed, and when I opened it again, I read: ”It is wise, therefore, for all persons to devise a general plan, which they will at least keep in view, and aim to accomplish, and by which, a proper proportion of time shall be secured, for all the duties of life.” I was surrounded by all the useful things that I was unable to do, had until now never desired to do, but would soon be required to do. It was all very well to tell myself that Thomas had been apprised of my uselessness. He had seen what he wanted to see in me, just as I had in him.

And I who could run and swim and ride a horse and write a letter and walk any distance now languished half asleep in my chair, lulled, or perhaps numbed, by the book in my hand and the quiet activities all around me. Indoors! Indoors! Even in Kansas, no doubt, most of my life would be spent indoors, doing what Annie and Alice and Harriet and Beatrice had been doing all my life while I was outside. Here, indoors in this cabin, the curtains were mostly drawn, and I felt as though I were stifling. All around me, the others were getting on with their useful business, unaffected, while I was suffocating.

And then the bell rang for dinner, and everyone ran for the door.

It was hard traveling so late in the year, with the river so low. It seemed that the boat grounded on a sandbar every hour, day and night. There would be a jolt and a shudder, then yelling and running, then she was up and over, or they'd floated her back. Twice the pa.s.sengers all unloaded- according to some, for fear of explosion, and according to others, simply to lighten the load. Stories of this wreck and that explosion and the other accidents that resulted in so many deaths and injuries abounded, but in spite of the horror and the dread, daily activities went on quite smoothly, as if only a real explosion could prove to pa.s.sengers and crew that there could be an explosion. Only our actual slow progress up the river seemed the possible thing. The scenic bluffs were impressive; the drinking water cleared a little as it sat in the gla.s.s on the table. Those who were used to it attested to its tangy flavor and healthful properties, but some said it made them ill.

Thomas and I improved our acquaintance at night, in our tiny stateroom. The only barrier between us and the cabin at large was a green curtain, under which, often enough, you would see one or two thrusting male stocking feet, as they allowed the single men to sleep on the floor of the ladies' cabin after the ladies had gone to bed, which was at about eleven. If a lady had an emergency in the middle of the night, she had to step over a score or more of long bodies wrapped in cloaks or blankets, and by morning the air was insufferably close.

Thomas and I whispered to each other from our respective berths, I on the top shelf, he on the bottom. All around us, people were snoring, coughing, expectorating, sneezing, groaning, rustling, muttering, talking, laughing, and even crying. The whimpering of the sick baby went on and on, even though the poor mother talked to it and walked it and nursed it and tended to it, it seemed, twenty-four hours a day. Only the bustle of a grounding drowned out the somber noise of this child's suffering and the low patter of its mother, saying, ”He's always such a good, happy baby. I don't know what can be wrong with him. Forgive me the disturbance....” The help of the other women, who offered to hold or to walk the baby, so the mother could get an hour's rest, only made her more apologetic. I would lie in my berth after Thomas and I had finished whispering back and forth and I was sure he had fallen asleep, and listen to that sad baby and its sadder mother and feel as low as I had ever felt in my life. It was all I could do to keep in my mind a picture of the orderly grid of streets on the bill advertising Salley Fork, Nebraska, or my image of Lawrence, Kansas, with its gristmill and library and lumber mill and evening lecture society and salubrious climate.

At the first light, we woke up and fled for the fresh air of the deck, along with almost everyone else in the cabin.

We never mentioned the rifles, and Thomas never looked at the Negro waiters who served the food nor at the five slaves who were traveling on the boat, three women and two men who were kept perennially busy tending to the wants of their owners. All had come on in Saint Louis. A man and a woman got off the first day, and the rest got off the third day. I believe they were Thomas's first actual slaves, since he had never traveled in the south. I had been to Palmyra, Missouri, of course, and Hannibal, too. Slaves and their masters were common enough pa.s.sing through the streets of Quincy, to tell the truth. Even so, I could not help seeing them as if with Thomas's eyes. In the general hustle and bustle of everyone on the boat doing for themselves and their kin, these white women who waited to be served stood out boldly different. Once, when the boat grounded and we all had to get out and step through shallow water to a low spot on the sh.o.r.e some fifty feet away, a woman stood on the deck long after everyone else had gotten off, waiting for her slave girl of about fifteen to fetch her other shoes. It later turned out that the crew wouldn't let the girl get the shoes but put her off on the other side, and so the slave owner just stood there grasping at her ebbing dignity with two hands. It didn't help the girl fifteen minutes later when she was crying and explaining in front of everyone what had happened. Her mistress's shoes were ruined with the wet, and she slapped the girl, in spite of her tears or for her tears, or both. Thomas whistled to himself and walked up and down on the sh.o.r.e, away from the others. I kept thinking that it was those rifles that were weighing down the boat and that soon they would be thrown off with everything else, the box would break open, and something terrible would happen, far worse than a slap. After we got back to our saloon, there was an argument between the slave-owner woman and another woman, in the presence of the slave girl. ”Of all of us on this long, tedious journey,” said the one woman, who spoke in New York State accents, ”you are the only one who has dealt a blow. This child is entirely in your power-”

”You know nothing about it,” snapped the slave's mistress.

”I know what we all see, that for the sake of a pair of shoes-”

”A new and expensive pair! Believe me, if I could free myself of the girl, I would. You have a smart traveling outfit on, and you and I are about the same size. I'll tell you what. I'll trade you the girl for your dress and the hat I saw you wearing with it. Then you can give her her freedom or not, as you please.”

The New York woman was much taken aback and soon realized that the rest of us had all fallen silent and were watching her. The young slave woman was watching her, too.

Finally, her face went red, and she turned her back and walked away to her stateroom. The slave owner said, ”You see? She didn't buy you. Go back down to the lower deck with Pearl; I can't stand the sight of you anymore.”

The northern woman came off at a considerable disadvantage from this, with many in the ladies' cabin saying, ”They are plenty happy to be telling us what to do, but that's all they really care about” and ”They are perfectly happy for us to be with the n.i.g.g.e.rs on an equal footing, but you know, they won't touch them” and ”All you really have to do is stand up to them, just like any other bully.” There was much nodding and consenting to all of this.