Part 7 (2/2)

SUSAN JANE (_awestruck_). You _must_ ha' bin a bad gell!

[_LIZERANN is clearly disquieted by so mystical an interpretation, even while she denies having done anything deserving of a supernatural rebuke._

[Ill.u.s.tration]

THE ”MODEL HUSBAND” CONTEST.

_Scene the First--At the GALAHAD-GREEN'S._

MRS. G.-G. Galahad!

MR. G.-G. (_meekly_). My love?

MRS. G.-G. I see that the proprietors of _All Sorts_ are going to follow the American example, and offer a prize of 20 to the wife who makes out the best case for her husband as a Model. It's just as well, perhaps, that you should know that I've made up my mind to enter _you_!

MR. G.-G. (_gratified_). My dear Cornelia! really, I'd no idea you had such a----

MRS. G.-G. Nonsense! The drawing-room carpet is a perfect disgrace, and, as you can't, or won't, provide the money in any _other_ way, why----Would you like to hear what I've said about you?

MR. G.-G. Well, if you're sure it wouldn't be troubling you too much, I _should_, my dear.

MRS. G.-G. Then sit where I can see you, and listen. (_She reads._) ”Irreproachable in all that pertains to morality”--(and it would be a bad day indeed for you, Galahad, if I ever had cause to think _otherwise_!)--”morality; scrupulously dainty and neat in his person”--(ah, you may well blush, Galahad, but fortunately, they won't want me to _produce_ you!)--”he imports into our happy home the delicate refinement of a _preux chevalier_ of the olden time.” (Will you kindly take your dirty boots off the steel fender!) ”We rule our little kingdom with a joint and equal sway, to which jealousy and friction are alike unknown; he, considerate and indulgent to my womanly weakness”--(You need not stare at me in that perfectly idiotic fas.h.i.+on!)--”I, looking to him for the wise and tender support which has never yet been denied. The close and daily scrutiny of many years has discovered”--(What are you shaking like _that_ for?)--”discovered no single weakness; no taint or flaw of character; no irritating trick of speech or habit.” (How often have I told you that I will _not_ have the handle of that paper-knife sucked? Put it down; do!) ”His conversation--sparkling but ever spiritual--renders our modest meals veritable feasts of fancy and flows of soul.... _Well_, Galahad?”

MR. G.-G. Nothing, my dear; nothing. It struck me as, well,--a trifle _flowery_, that last pa.s.sage, that's all!

MRS. G.-G. (_severely_). If I cannot expect to win the prize without descending to floweriness, whose fault is _that_, I should like to know?

If you can't make sensible observations, you had better not speak at all. (_Continuing._) ”Over and over again, gathering me in his strong, loving arms, and pressing fervent kisses upon my forehead, he has cried, 'Why am I not a Monarch that so I could place a diadem upon that brow?

With such a Consort am I not doubly crowned?'” Have you anything to say to _that_, Galahad?

MR. G.-G. Only, my love, that I--I don't seem to remember having made that particular remark.

MRS. G.-G. Then make it _now_. I'm sure I wish to be as accurate as I _can_.

[_MR. G.-G. makes the remark--but without fervour._

_Scene the Second--At the MONARCH-JONES'._

MR. M.-J. Twenty quid would come in precious handy just now, after all I've dropped lately, and I mean to pouch that prize if I can--so just you sit down, Grizzle, and write out what I tell you; do you hear?

MRS. M.-J. (_timidly_). But, Monarch, dear, would that be quite _fair_?

No, don't be angry, I didn't mean that--I'll write whatever you please!

MR. M.-J. You'd _better_, that's all! Are you ready? I must screw myself up another peg before I begin. (_He screws._) Now, then. (_Stands over her and dictates._) ”To the polished urbanity of a perfect gentleman he unites the kindly charity of a true Christian.” (Why the devil don't you learn to write decently, eh?) ”Liberal, and even lavish, in all his dealings, he is yet a stern foe to every kind of excess”--(Hold on a bit, I must have another nip after that)--”every kind of excess. Our married life is one long dream of blissful contentment, in which each contends with the other in loving self-sacrifice.” (Haven't you corked all that down _yet_!) ”Such cares and anxieties as he has he conceals from me with scrupulous consideration as long as possible”--(Gad, I should be a fool if I _didn't_!)--”while I am ever sure of finding in him a patient and sympathetic listener to all my trifling worries and difficulties.”--(_Two_ f's in difficulties, you little fool--can't you even _spell_?) ”Many a time, falling on his knees at my feet, he has rapturously exclaimed, his accents broken by manly emotion, 'Oh, that I were more worthy of such a pearl among women! With such a helpmate, I am indeed to be envied!'” That _ought_ to do the trick. If I don't romp in after that!----(_Observing that MRS. M.-J.'S shoulders are convulsed._) What the dooce are you giggling at _now_?

MRS. M.-J. I--I wasn't giggling, Monarch dear, only----

MR. M.-J. Only _what_?

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