Part 11 (1/2)
MR. c.o.c.kCR. I've never found him anything but pleasant myself, whatever he may be to others. I'm not denying he's an _exclusive_ man, and a _fastidious_ man, but he's been 'arshly treated, and _I_ should have thought this was an occasion--if ever there was one--for putting any private feelings aside, and rallying round him to show our respect and sympathy. But of course if you're going to let petty jealousies of this sort get the better of you, and leave me to do the 'ole thing myself, _I've_ no objection. I daresay he'll value it all the more coming from me.
MR. SIBB. Well, he _ought_ to, after the shameful way he's spoken of you to a friend of mine in the City, who shall be nameless. You mayn't know, and if not, it's only right I should mention it, that he complained bitterly of having to change his regular train on your account, and said (I'm only repeating his words, mind you), that Jerrymere was entirely populated by bores, but you were the worst of the lot, and your jabber twice a day was more than he _could_ stand. He mayn't have _meant_ anything by it, but it was decidedly uncalled for.
MR. c.o.c.kCR. (_reddening_). I 'ope I'm above being affected by the opinion any man may express of my conversation--especially a cantankerous feller, who can't keep his temper under decent control. A feller who goes and breaks his umbrella over an unoffending official's 'ead like that, and gets, very properly, locked up for it! Jerrymere society isn't good enough for him, it seems. He won't be troubled with much of it in future--_I_ can a.s.sure him! Upon my word, now I come to think of it, I'm not sure he shouldn't be called upon for an explanation of how he came to be travelling without a ticket; it looks very much to me as if he'd been systematically defrauding the Company!
MR. FILK. Well, I didn't like to say so before; but that's been _my_ view all along!
MR. BALCH. And mine.
MR. SIBB. Now perhaps you understand why we'd rather leave it to you to give him the arm-chair.
MR. c.o.c.kCR. I give a man an arm-chair for bringing disgrace on the 'ole of Jerrymere! I'd sooner break it up for firewood! Whoever it was that first started all this tomfoolery about a testimonial, I'm not going to 'ave _my_ name a.s.sociated with it, and if you'll take _my_ advice, you'll drop it once and for all, for it's only making yourselves ridiculous!
[_His companions, observing that he is in a somewhat excited condition, consider it advisable to change the subject._
[Ill.u.s.tration]
THE MODEL DEMOCRACY.
”I think you left directions that you were to be thawed in 199-- precisely?” said the stranger politely. ”Allow me to introduce myself--NUMBER SEVEN MILLION AND SIX. If you feel equal to the effort, and would care to see the vast improvements in our social condition since the close of the benighted Nineteenth Century, I shall be pleased to conduct you.”
MR. PUNCH then began to realise that he had had himself frozen by a patent process just a hundred years ago, and that he had returned to animation in time for the close of the marvellous Twentieth Century; so he prepared, in much curiosity and excitement, to accompany his guide.
”By the way,” observed the latter, ”you must not be annoyed if your--hem--habiliments, which we are unaccustomed to nowadays, should attract some attention.”
Singularly enough, MR. PUNCH had just begun to feel a certain embarra.s.sment at the prospect of being seen in Piccadilly or Regent Street in the company of a person attired in grey cellular pyjamas, a drab blanket, and a glazed pot hat. However, on reaching the street, he found that every man he met was similarly clad, while his own costume--which, in his original century, would only have been remarkable for its unimpeachable taste--was, in this, the subject of universal and invidious comment.
”You'll have your regulation pot hat and pyjamas served out to you in time!” said MR. SEVEN MILLION AND SIX encouragingly. ”Then no one will say anything to you. In these days we resent anything that tends to confer an artificial distinction on any man. Surnames, for example, which occasionally suggested superiority of birth, have long been abolished, and official numbers subst.i.tuted. You seem to be looking for something you do not see?” he added, noting a certain blankness and disappointment in MR. PUNCH'S expressive countenance.
”I was only wondering why I saw no signs of any new and marvellous inventions at present,” said MR. PUNCH. ”I rather expected to see the air full of electric trains, manageable balloons, or coveys of citizens darting about on mechanical pinions. But I see none, and even more people go on foot than in my own time.”
”Inventions, I take it,” was the reply, ”only served to enrich the Capitalist, and save time or labour. Now we have no Capitalists and no riches, and no reason for hurrying anywhere, while it would be absurd and useless to lessen the amount of manual labour when, even as it is, there is scarcely enough to keep everyone employed for six hours a day.”
”Why are all the women I see dressed exactly alike in navy-blue woollen frocks and coal-scuttle bonnets?” MR. PUNCH inquired presently. ”Surely they can't _all_ be members of the Sal----”
”A uniform costume was decreed by plebiscite some years ago,” replied his mentor, promptly. ”Any real equality amongst women was found hopeless so long as some were able to render themselves exceptionally attractive by a distinctive toilette.”
”What!” exclaimed MR. PUNCH, ”did all the pretty women consent to such a sacrifice?”
”They were in a very decided minority, even then,” said MR. SEVEN MILLION AND SIX; ”and it is not our way to think much of minorities. At present, owing no doubt to an enactment which penalised every pretty woman by compelling her to wear blue goggles and a respirator, feminine beauty is practically extinct.”
MR. PUNCH could not restrain a sigh. They were now entering a somewhat gloomy thoroughfare, between ma.s.sive blocks of buildings, with large doors and innumerable small windows, which towered into the sky on either hand.
”I seem to miss the shop-fronts,” he said aloud, ”with their plate-gla.s.s, and all their glitter and luxury. What has become of them all?”
”Such necessaries as the citizen requires,” said his companion, ”are procured at the Public Storehouses, which you see around you, by the simple method of presenting a ticket. The luxuries you refer to were only procurable by the rich, and n.o.body is rich now. If you will come with me, I will take you over one of the State Dwelling-houses, and show you one of the suites of rooms. Every citizen has a room; or, if married, a couple of rooms, exactly the same shape and size as those of his fellows.... Beautifully clean, you see!” he remarked, complacently, as he threw open one of the doors. ”Neat whitewashed walls, plain deal furniture, nice holland blinds--what more can any reasonable citizen want in the way of comfort?”
”There used to be a celebrated poet in my time,” said MR. PUNCH, with some hesitation, ”Who designed and sold very beautiful upholster--tapestry, wall-papers, curtains, and so on. I fancy _he_ held socialistic views. But I see no trace of his work _here_.”