Part 19 (1/2)

HANSOM CABMAN (_with hauteur_). As it 'appens, it _ain't_ a 'Ackney cab--it's a private kerridge, this is!

DRIVER. Ah, I might ha' known _you_ was a hammytoor by yer silly ha.s.slike method o' conducting yer business! [_Drives on triumphant._

A POLITICAL Pa.s.sENGER (_with a panacea--to a ”KNOWLEDGABLE” Pa.s.sENGER_).

No, I don't want no 'Ome Rule, nor yet no Parish Counsels, nor nothink o' _that_. What _I_ wanter see interdooced 'ere is Tereenial Porliments.

The KNOWLEDGABLE Pa.s.sENGER (_with respect_). Tereenial Parliments? I don't know as I've 'eard o' _them_.

The POL. P. Ain't yer? Well, they're what we _want_. Why, they've 'ad 'em in America, they've ad 'em in Ostralia, they've 'ad 'em in Orstria; and everywhere, mind yer, _everywhere_ they've been in operation they've turned out a success!

The KN. P. Then it's 'igh time _we_ 'ad 'em. _What_ is it they're called, again?

The POL. P. Tee-reen-ial Porliments. It stands to _reason_ they work well. There they _are_, a settin' eight months in the year fur seven year on end--somethink's _bound_ to come of it! I'd like to see any o'

_our_ lot settin' like that! It's a pity we don't take more pattern by America in our law-makin'.

[Ill.u.s.tration: ”Thash where 'tis, yer come on me too late!”]

The KN. P. Except in our criminal law. Why, I've 'eard there's States out there where a man may go and commit a crime, d'ye see, and once he gits across the boundary from one State into another--like as it might be a line across this 'ere street like, d'ye see--once he's over that, they can't do nothink to 'im!

The POL. P. (_thoughtfully_). Ah, that wouldn't never do '_ere_, that wouldn't!

[_The CONDUCTOR comes up to collect fares._

CONDUCTOR (_to a SLEEPY Pa.s.sENGER in a corner_). Now then, fare, please?

The SLEEPY Pa.s.sENGER (_with manly regret_). I ain't gorrit, ole pal. If yer'd asht me jes' two minutes afore I gorrup, I could ha' done it for yer, but I took jes' anorrer glash an' blued th' lot. No man can say I don' part s'long's I gorrer _money_; no freehandeder man anywheresh'n wharri am; but yer come on me too late. (_Shaking his head reproachfully._) Thash where 'tis, yer come on me too late!

COND. 'Ere, I ain't goin' to stand no nonsense! If yer 'aven't got the money, git down orf o' my bus, and quick, too!

The SL. P. Ged _down_? An' _quick_! You wouldn' tor' li' that if you'd sheen wharrer bloomin' 'ard job I 'ad to get _up_! [_He resumes his slumber._

COND. (_pa.s.sing on, softened_). I can't go and break the beggar's neck for tuppence, and he's got it somewhere about him, as likely as not.

(_To a LITIGIOUS Pa.s.sENGER._) Tuppence is the fare, Sir, if _you_ please.

The LITIGIOUS Pa.s.sENGER. One penny is the legal fare, and all I intend to pay. I know the law!

COND. And so do I. It's wrote up tuppence inside the bus. If yer ain't going to pay more, yer'd better git down; ye've 'ad over your penn'orth a'ready!

The LITIG. P. (_with spirit_). I decline to get down. I insist on being taken to the Bank for my penny.

COND. Oh, _do_ yer? We'll see about that.

[_He stops the 'bus and calls a CONSTABLE, to whom he briefly explains the situation._

CONSTABLE (_pacifically, from below, to the LITIG. P._). Come, Sir, don't block the traffic, like this 'ere! Either pay the man his fare or get down--one of the two.

The LITIG. P. (_from the roof_). I have a legal right to remain here if I like!

CONST. That may be, Sir; but if you do, this man can summons you that's all.