Part 27 (1/2)

She looked at me, seriously, and asked, ”So why now?”

Crank had asked me the same question. Why now? The reason I'd given him seemed to still stand. I was sick of being alone.

”Well,” I said, ”it's going to sound weird. But I met a boy. He just turned seventeen a few weeks ago. He has Asperger's. Do you know what that is?”

”Yeah, I know a couple Aspies at school.”

”Do they get bullied?”

Carrie grinned. ”Used to. But we kind of have a ... a posse. We don't let anybody screw with them.”

I smiled back at her. ”G.o.d, Carrie, I love you.”

”So what happened? Are you dating this boy? Isn't seventeen a little young for you?”

I laughed. ”No-not dating. I'm ... well ... I'm seeing his older brother. You'll meet him tomorrow. But Sean-the Aspie I was telling you about-he's going through a tough time, especially at school. And it's a lot like what I went through in school. And somehow we got to talking. And I told him the whole story. This is going to sound crazy, but I feel-I don't know. Free. Like I've never felt before.”

She put a hand on my shoulder. Carrie was so much taller than I was, she didn't have to stretch at all to do it.

”Having people you can trust will do that,” she said. ”So, Mom ... she doesn't know what happened, does she?”

”She thinks she knows. She knows about the abortion. But not the circ.u.mstances.” I sighed. ”She never gave me a chance to explain, to talk about it. Just a.s.sumed the worst.”

Carrie grimaced. ”Yeah, she can do that, can't she?”

I snorted, and she asked me another question, one that shook me. ”Do you ever wonder-about the baby?”

Oh G.o.d, did I? All the time. How could I not? I had to struggle to hold back tears as I said, ”She'd be about the same age as the twins. And I'll never know ... what she would have been like.”

I started crying again, silently, and I said, ”G.o.d, could I be more pathetic? I can't stop crying! I did this with Crank last week, too.”

My sister pulled me tighter. ”Maybe it's overdue.”

”Yeah,” I whispered.

”Promise me one thing, Julia?”

”What?”

”Let's make a deal. If our sisters ever need us ... like you needed Mom ... we'll be there for them. No matter what. Okay? She means well, but ... she isn't very good at that. But I don't ever want them to go through this. Deal?”

Carrie had no idea that she'd just said and done exactly the right thing. I grabbed her in a huge hug and whispered, ”Deal. We'll protect them.”

I went to bed feeling good. Really good. What Carrie said about protecting our sisters had reminded me that there were four little girls who needed me. I'd done everything I could for the last few years to avoid being needed by anyone. I'd done everything I could to avoid needing anyone. But something in the last few weeks made me realize I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to be isolated, armored, on the defensive all the time and unable to connect to other people. And knowing that in Carrie I had a friend and ally in that? It made a big difference.

Mom and Dad insisted on an early breakfast the next morning in the hotel dining room. They hadn't been happy at all when I told them I was having lunch with Crank's family, but I hadn't given them much option. They'd been even less happy when I informed them I was bringing a guest to Thanksgiving dinner. But again, I'd given them no option. If they wanted me there, they'd have to accept Crank being there, too. So breakfast was a little tense. But that was okay. Afterward, I walked to my car and drove to Jack's.

It was almost eleven A.M. when I pulled the rental car up behind the house and parked. It was cold outside, the sky a steel grey, a few snow flurries falling from the sky here and there, not enough to matter, especially given the mounds of snow piled up on the sides of the road by the plows from the weekend before.

I got out of the car, being careful not to drag the hem of my dress in the crusted, week old snow, then reached in the car for the dessert I'd had delivered to the hotel that morning, a gluten-free cranberry coffee cake. I could tell I'd gain weight just from looking at it. And I wanted to look, a lot. It was a challenge finding it-I'd ended up talking to a specialty bakery in Brookline to get it made. But I wasn't going to bring anything into the house that Sean couldn't eat, if I could avoid it.

I felt a twinge of anxiety as I reached the top step. I could hear shouting inside. It sounded like Sean and Jack.

I sighed and closed my eyes. If Sean was having a meltdown, I needed to mentally prepare myself. I cared a great deal about Sean. But he was emotionally volatile, and I've spent my adult life avoiding emotionally volatile people and situations.

It was hard not to second-guess myself. Was being involved with Crank, with this family, the right thing to do?

Of course, it was a little late to be asking that question now, wasn't it?

I rapped on the door with my knuckles and waited, slightly hopping up and down on the b.a.l.l.s of my feet to stay warm. My mother had looked disapprovingly at my boots this morning. She wasn't a believer in wearing boots with a dress. She wasn't a believer in much that I did.

A very frazzled looking Crank, dressed in torn jeans and a ragged t-s.h.i.+rt, answered the door. His eyes brightened when he saw me. He ushered me in, a grin on his face. ”I am so happy to see you. Don't mind them,” he said, gesturing vaguely to the front of the house. I could hear Jack shouting something.

”What's going on?” I asked.

Crank sighed. ”Sean got in trouble in school yesterday morning, pretty big trouble.”

I grimaced. ”And they're still fighting about it?” I asked.

”My dad said something that set him off.”

I sighed and followed Crank to the living room. ”Can I put this in the fridge?” I asked.

”I'll take it,” he said. ”Getting by them might be challenging.”

I pa.s.sed the cake to Crank and shrugged out of my coat, laying it on the back of a chair. A moment later he was back in the living room, and his eyes widened.

”You look ... lush. Almost edible.” His eyes swept up and down, like searchlights, and I suddenly felt incredibly self-conscious. I was wearing a grey sleeveless dress, tight fitting in the bodice, with an ankle-length skirt. He approached, putting his hands on my waist. ”I'd really like to kiss you right now.”

”Um ... I'd like that,” I said in a small voice.

He leaned his head close and nipped at my lower lip with a grin and then kissed me. My mouth opened, our tongues just touching.

The front door slammed open, rattling the doorstop.

”Mother of Christ, it's cold out there!” shouted Tony as he entered. Crank and I separated, just slightly, and Tony shouted, ”Don't let me stop you two from smooching!”

I laughed a little, and Crank and I leaned our foreheads together for just a second. Then I stepped back. ”Tony, are you always this obnoxious?”

”Only around beautiful women,” he said. ”Why do you think I'm still single?”

He wandered into the kitchen, chuckling. A moment later I heard Jack say, ”Look, can you just drop it! Our guests are coming in.”

Sean didn't get a chance to answer, because Tony shouted, ”Who you calling a guest?”

A few seconds later, Sean came storming into the living room. He saw me and stopped.

I smiled at him. ”Hi Sean. I'd like to hug you, but you look so angry, you're scaring me a little.”