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She looked like a kid who’d had her favorite toy taken away. “But-”
“Ellie.”
“Fine.” She sighed.
In an effort to take her mind off of it, I leaned back against the counter with a concerned quirk of my right eyebrow. “So what was up with you and Adam tonight?”
“I’m like you. I don’t want to talk about it.”
Yeah right. “Ellie…”
Her pale eyes narrowed unhappily. “Okay, so I want to talk about it. Dammit, how can you be so good at the whole keeping things to yourself thing?” she pouted. “It’s really hard.”
I grinned and shook my head. “Not for me.”
She stuck her tongue out at me and slumped wearily into a kitchen chair. “I’m knackered. Tonight was exhausting.”
“Hence the crabby?”
“I’m not crabby.”
“You’re a little crabby.”
“Well you would be too if you’d had to put up with Adam tonight.”
I slipped into the seat beside her, wondering if I should hit the gym harder this week in preparation for kicking Adam’s a.s.s. “What happened, honey?”
“He’s confusing me.” Ellie grimaced, eyeing me sadly. “He keeps saying that we’re just friends but he acts like we’re not. Braden’s so wrapped up in you he didn’t even notice Adam’s behavior tonight, and Adam used that to his advantage.”
“I did notice him getting all possessive on your a.s.s, pulling you down beside him and all that.”
“Possessive? The harder I tried to be cool towards him, the more he got in my s.p.a.ce. And then when Braden was with you, I called him on it. I asked about Nicholas and why he was acting so weird…”
“And what did he say?”
“That Nicholas wasn’t good enough for me and if I’d stop acting like a petulant child he’d stop being overbearing.”
Guy was good. I laughed humorlessly. “Nice way of side-stepping the actual question, huh?”
“Well you’d know all about that,” she grumped.
I snorted. “Meow.”
Ellie groaned. “Oh, G.o.d, Joss, I’m sorry. I’m acting like such a b.i.t.c.h.”
“I find it charming. Really.”
She giggled and shook her head, her eyes drooping tiredly. “You’re crazy.” She stood up. “But I love you.” She yawned as I froze in place at her words. “I need my bed. We’ll talk in the morning, try to make sense of Adam’s nonsense, yeah?”
But I love you. “Uh… yeah,” I replied, dazed.
“Night.”
“Night.”
But I love you…
... “Come on,” I begged Dru. “It’ll be fun. Kyle will be there.”
Dru eyed me doubtfully. “I totally embarra.s.sed myself at the last kegger, Joss, and that didn’t involve having to wear a bikini.”
I rolled my eyes. “We all embarra.s.sed ourselves at the last kegger. That’s kind of the point. Come on. Nate will be there and I really want to hang out with him tonight.”
“You mean hook up with him?”
I shrugged.
“Joss, maybe we should sit this one out. We’ve been going to a lot of parties lately.”
Grinning, I hooked an arm around her neck and drew her to my side. “We’re kids. We’re supposed to party.” I need to party. I need to forget. “And I don’t want to party without you. I’ll tell you what? I’ll even upchuck on a JV cheerleader for you. That way, no matter what you do, I’ll still have committed the most treasonous act of the evening.”
Dru laughed, hugging me close. “You’re crazy… but I love you.”
…The walls closed in on me as my chest squeezed tight. I wheezed trying to draw breath.
I was dying.
The panic attack lasted longer this time, those words refusing to allow me to focus.
Eventually, I struggled through to reality, pus.h.i.+ng the memories back and allowing my body to breathe.
When it was over, I wanted to cry more than I had ever wanted to cry in a long time. But crying would only make me weak. Instead I stood up on shaky legs and tread the memories into the kitchen tiles. By the time I changed and slid into bed I pretended it was all forgotten.
“You had another panic attack?” the good doctor asked softly.
Why had I mentioned it? Nothing good could come of it. She’d never be able to put a spin on what happened. “Yeah, it doesn’t matter.”
“It does matter, Joss. What triggered this one?”
I stared at my feet. “My friend.”
“Which one?”