Chapter 286 - My SI Stash #86 - I Need A Meatshield- I Mean Hero! by testpilot24 (MonsterGirlQuest) (1/2)

-Truly a horrendously underrated story underneath all the kinks. It really doesn't hurt that the MC gets with Alice too~

Sypnosis: How would you expect a grand adventure to start? With a flair for the dramatic? No, no too obvious. Maybe then it could work that way. Everyone expects it to happen, so they think it won't happen, but it does! Subvert it then? How would you manage that? Have an ordinary day gone wrong?

Rated: T

Words: 278K

Posted on: m.fanfiction.net/s/11094657/1/I-Need-A-Meatshield-I-Mean-Hero-Monster-Girl-Quest-Self-Insert (testpilot24)

PS: If you're not able to copy/paste the link, you have everything in here to find it, by simply searching the author and the story title. It sucks that you can't copy links on mobile (´ー｀)

-I'll be putting the chapter ones of all the fanfics mentioned, to give you guys a sample if you wan't more please do go to the website and support the author! (And maybe even convince them to start uploading chapters in here as well!)

Chapter 1-3 (exceptional)

How would you expect a grand adventure to start? With a flair for the dramatic? No, no too obvious. Maybe then it could work that way. Everyone expects it to happen, so they think it won't happen, but it does! Subvert it then? How would you manage that? Have an ordinary day gone wrong?

Or right depending on how much of a masochist you are.

Here's a hint, I'm not one.

So when one simple day of the week decided to screw me over I would have never expected that. Which is why I should have, more ironic that way. I never saw it coming after all!

It started as any other, went to bed sometime after one in the morning, slept right through till twelve thirty, and actually got up just before one. Big accomplishment for me. I set my alarm to go off at ten, but I kept slamming the snooze button for hours on end. Yes I have horrible sleeping habits, but it's Christmas break and I do what I want!

Dragging my body out of bed, I fumbled for my glasses, threw on a shirt and a pair of socks. Leaving my room I was greeted by my fat ass cat. I gave him a friendly scratch under the chin. He deserved, the fat bastard was waiting there right outside my door. How cute of him.

”Hey there kitty. Who's a pretty kitty? You are. Yes you are. Yes you are.” I said in that cutesy voice everyone makes, but is too embarrassed to admit it. You know the one.

Following that I found my way to the kitchen, and made myself a bowl of cereal. Almost out of milk, gotta ask mom to pick up more today. Ate while browsing the internet on my dad's IPad. I checked out Spacebattles, no new alerts there. Hmm seemed like my parents were already at work, and my brother had left for his friend's house. Home alone for the short time that it mattered.

I finished up with breakfast and went to take a shower, wasted twenty minutes in there enjoying the hot water. I was deliberately trying to fog up the bathroom mirrors. Usually I never do that, causes mold after all, but what the hell? Who's here to stop me? Nobody! That's who!

I dried off and quickly got dressed. Ah, the old tried and true jeans and a t-shirt look. The shirt was one of my thicker ones with a chest pocket. I may not use that pocket, but it's there! Just in case! I think that particular shirt was green, of course over the next fews months of hell that became my life it didn't stay that colour. My only pair of socks don't last too long either, nor did my underwear. My jeans though, they, were good to me.

What had forced me to give a damn about today? Very good question! Does looking into a picture of the sun hurt my eyes? Who asked that?! Was it you?! *Blam!* That's a very stupid question! This is the intro part, so don't count on the fourth wall protecting you yet! I can still get you! So see what happens if you try that again!

… Anyways, I was going out to a friend's house that afternoon with the guys. He was hosting a movie night then later we'd try to go out to a pub for some drinks. Never got to do that, everyone's too busy with school or work to get together. But if there wasn't the promise of cheap junk food or pizza I wouldn't have gotten up that morning, afternoon technically. Okay that and they're my friends.

As any sensible man would, I threw on my hoodie and leather jacket, gotta layer up on that clothing. It might not have been snowing, but damn was it cold. I should have even put on gloves or a hat, but that's just too sensible. And the hat would mess up my hair… yes, I'm petty.

I checked all my pockets to ensure I had everything I would need for the day. A part of the plan at my friends house was us staying over for the night and making it a sleepover, sort of thing. It would have been smart to pack a bag of spare clothing, toiletries like my toothbrush and toothpaste, a spare package of my medication, pajamas. You know the standard stuff. Really wished I had, but at the time I wasn't planning on staying overnight.

Seriously if I had packed that bag, so many of my problems that are yet to come, would've been much more tolerable if I had my pajamas. They were so comfy.

Before I left I gave my cat a small snack to placate him. If I hadn't he would've torn up the house. I walked for about five minutes before turning onto the main road. This put me in a pretty good mood.

You want to know why? Course you do, you're reading this. What?!You don't?! How dare you! *Blam!* I told you the fourth wall is weakest at the introduction! I haven't been caged by the narrative proper yet!

Now to reach my friend's house I simply could have walked there. But I'm too lazy to do that, so it was the bus for me. Thankfully there was a bus stop at the end of a nearby street. There was something I loved about this street. That was it was flat and long so I could sing and walk without feeling out of breath. Have you ever tried to climb a really steep hill and sing at the same time? Not fun.

Let's see, what to sing? What to sing? Ah! I've got it! Remembering the lyrics…. alright got that!

I began to snaps my fingers and hum to build up the right rhythm. There was nobody else on the street, so I could sing as loud as I wanted.

”Times, have changed.

And we've often rewound the clock,

Since the puritans got the shock,

When they landed on Plymouth Rock.

If today,

Any shock they should try to stand,

'Stead of landing on Plymouth rock. Plymouth Rock would land on them!

In olden days, a glimpse of stocking,

Was looked on as something shocking.

But now, God know!

Anything goes!

Good authors too who once knew better words,

Now only use four-letter words,

Writing prose.

Anything goes!”

It was a wonderful day, not a cloud in the sky and the sun was shining bright. It was the type of day were the only indications that it was winter was the freezing temperature and I could see my own breath.

”If driving fast cars you like,

If low bars you like,

If old hymns you like,

If bare limbs you like,

If Mae West you like,

Or me undressed you like,

Why, nobody will o-ppose~.

When ev'ry night the set that's smart,

Is intruding nudist parties in studios.

Anything goes!”

What's the next verse? Something, something, Mcclane? Russian Reds?

”When Missus Ned McLean, God bless her,

Can get Russian reds to ”yes” her,

Then I suppose

Anything goes!

When Rockefeller still can hoard enough money to let Max Gordon

Produce his shows,

Anything goes!

The world has gone mad today

And good's bad today,

And black's white today,

And day's night today,

And that gent today

You gave a cent today

Once had several chateaux.

When folks who still can ride in jitneys

Find out that the Vanderbilts and Whitneys

Lack baby clothes,

Anything goes!”

I was nearing the end of the song. Don't screw it up! It had taken weeks to remember the lyrics to this song, even then I'm still second guessing which verse is which. Eh, who cares. Just me here. It's funny though, I guess that meme holds true, play Fallout, become musically cultured.

”When Sam Goldwyn can with great conviction

Instruct Anna Sten in diction,

Then Anna shows

Anything goes.

When you hear that Lady Mendl standing up

Now turns a handspring landing up-

On her toes!

Anything goes!

Just think of those shocks you've got

And those knocks you've got

And those blues you've got

From that news you've got

And those pains you've got,

If any brains you've got,

From those little radios~.

So Missus R., with all her trimmings,

Can broadcast a bed from Simmons

'Cause Franklin knows

Anything goes!”

I finished the song as my bus just passed me by… F.u.c.k! How did I miss that?! I turned my head to follow the bus and whelp. He just kept going, driving down the road. How the hell did he miss me?

Well… nothing I can do now. I walked up to the bus stop's signpost and stood there. I've got thirty minutes to burn now. Great.

As a car speeds by me, I instinctively step back a few feet. It felt a little too close for comfort. I heard some honking and turned to look down the street. Approaching me was a massive semi-trailer so I again step back a few feet away from the curb.

As I did I saw something at the edge of my vision. It was a blurry purple… tear?

And now everything around me is green!

Where's the street lights?! Where's that signpost?! The concrete?!

As I was suppressing the urge to freak out I didn't notice the truck I thought to avoid continue driving by the curb with plenty of room to spare. No, what caught my eye was that the purple tear in reality suddenly closed with a pop sound.

Leaving me standing on a dirt path in the middle of a forest.

..

..

..

..

..

”Did I, did I…. just do that? Was that a portal? Did I just walk through a portal!? On accident!?”

It was going to be one of those days.

I had been walking through this forest for the better part of three hours. I know that because I constantly checked my cell phone to keep track of the time, and in the dim hope of getting a signal. But let's be honest here… I'm f.u.c.k.i.e.d.

The forest around is pretty generic. I mean it's a forest. What do you expect. It's got trees, and grass, and leaves, and bushes, and shrubs, and dirt, plenty of dirt. In fact I'm on a dirt path right now!

I think this path may be well traveled. There's plenty of faded foot and hoof prints in the dirt, so people on horses come through here. The trees aren't packed close together like they would be if this was… more natural? Untouched by man? F.u.c.k! You know what I mean. No people around equals shoulder to shoulder trees. Least that's what I've read.

Really this place wouldn't look out of place as a city park. Save for the lack of cigerette buds on the ground or car noises in the distance or gum staining the ground. So either that means this place has a really great maintenance staff or more likely I wasn't in a civilized area. No, better term would be industrial, saying it's not civilized feels rude…. even though I'm not talking to anyone.

Great thought policing there citizen.

There's clouds in the sky, not that noteworthy except there wasn't any before. Sun was warmer as well, so I had to unzip my hoodie and I tied my jacket around my waist. There was a nice, gentle breeze, so I wasn't overheating. I think I'm taking this rather well, backed into a portal, got dumped into a forest and I haven't freaked out! Yet.

My feet were killing me, I was just walking for three hours straight. No breaks. I mean, what would I do? Sit on the grass and think stuff over? Hah! Nope. If I've already got momentum built up I'm not letting it go to waste, so that means I kept walking.

As a passed a bush I thought I heard a bubbling noise. I smartly kept going past it.

Oh wow, that is getting louder. Better check out what it is.

I looked over my shoulder and saw a puddle of blue slime ooze out from the bushes and onto the path, constantly bubbling and gurgling as it went. Leaving a thin trail of blue slime in its wake.

Well I'm sure that's completely normal… so normal in fact I'm just going to continue walking away from it.

So I guess this means I'm in some sort of fantasy word. Blue slimes are the weakest RGP enemy right? Never mind the fact I have no effective means of actually hurting it if it should catch up to me, but it won't.

I increased my walking speed and continued off down the path.

”Hello~”

Oh thank god! Another person! But why did it come from… behind me…

I looked over my shoulder again and…

”Oh f.u.c.k me.”

”Okay!”

Flowing towards me at a disconcerting speed was not a regular slime or gelatinous cube or even a woman. No, it was a slime girl… yes that name says it all. It is a slime monster, except that it is in the shape of a young woman…

So monster girls…

I'm doomed.

”Stop running! I just want to love you!”

”How are you keeping up with me?!”

”My l.u.s.t for you drives me forward! And you're fat!”

”I don't know you!”

”We can get to know each other later… physically!”

”Leave me alone!”

”Never! You're gonna get slimed and love it!”

I collapsed in a heap on the ground, leaning against a tree and panting heavily. My shirt was drenched in sweat, my hair was a matted mess and my glasses were fogging up from my body heat alone. I had lost that crazy slime girl. She was persistent, but… I don't really have anything else to say. She wouldn't f.u.c.k.i.n.g quit!

She almost got me a few times, as the slime stains on my jacket and jeans can attest to. I tried wiping it off but it only got stuck to my hand, and then I wiped my hand off on jeans. So everything is a sticky mess.

I also learned I f.u.c.k.i.n.g love adrenaline. God that is stuff great! I was running off and on again for over an hour. I wasn't even… tired… well until now.

Now I think… that I'm just going to take a quick nap. My eyes were feeling heavy and I was slowly nodding my head.

Man that took a lot out of me. Am I that out of shape?

The answer was yes.

I blinked a few times. One second it was still daytime, next the sun was setting.

Shit! I should… I should get up and keep walking, go find a nearby town or something.

Begrudgingly I pushed myself up. Blinking the sleep from my eyes I set back down the path, in the hopes of finding civilization soon.

Chapter 2

Okay, so it turns out that trying to sleep walk through the night was a bad idea. I eventually had to stumble off the road and get some sleep under a different tree. I'd gambled with my life, again, by doing that, but I was too tired to carry on. What little sleep I got was wracked by nightmares, thirst and hunger. First time I've ever gone to sleep without eating or drinking anything.

It was worth it though, I woke up near sunrise feeling slightly refreshed. Enough that I could get walking without the threat of collapsing again. During the night I tried to remember what I knew about this setting. The major characters, factions, and the general outline of the plot. Surprisingly I think I remembered a lot from the game.

I didn't want to assume too much about where I was just based on meeting a slime girl, but some of the things she had said were very explicit as to where I was.

”This is because of Ilias isn't it?! It's not intercourse if it's slime!”

”How did you find me?!”

”Your delicious scent darling!”

”Leave me alone! Don't you have anything better to do?!”

”Nothing is better than you darling! If you want I can change for you! I'm a slime, we're remoldable!”

”How desperate are you?!”

”Very!”

The path I was on had started to widen into a proper dirt road, and I saw a sign that read ”Ilias Village”. That's a good sign.

Hehehe.

So I was nearly at the village now, close to good old civilization! The path looked increasingly well-traveled, and through the trees and leaves, I could make out the tips of buildings and farmland in the distance.

As I moved closer to the forest's edge I wondered what I was planning to do. I know I need to speak to Luka. He's the key figure to stopping Ilias and ultimately saving the world. No pressure.

So, what the f.u.c.k am I going to say to him? Oh hi I fell through a portal and know your entire life story, now listen to me if you want to live! Are you a bad enough dude to romance the Monster Lord?! Yeah! That will go over well.

Maybe play up the religious angle?

Yeah that could work. I'll just claim I got a vision from Ilias, standard ”seek out this hero and help him defeat the Monster Lord” stuff. He'd believe that since he's got visions from her himself and then bam. I'm in!… God that feels manipulative saying that.

Thinking about trying to insert myself into his life to better pull the puppet strings as it were, just feels like I'm being a stalker… Eh it's for his good, the worlds good, but most importantly my own good. I can't leave it up to chance that he's going to save the world. I mean if I know that the world is being threatened I should do something about it. Even if that's pawning off all responsibility onto Luka.

I was passing by a fence post when I noticed a farmer tending to the field not too far away. I shouted to gain his attention and waved at him ”Hello! Ah, over here!”

He looked up from his field and waved back.

I walked off the road to get closer to him.

I hoped my clothing wasn't too unusual. I don't want to draw any unnecessary attention to myself. What if the townsfolk start mocking me behind my back! Unusual? More like ridiculous! They're going see the slime stains! The rumors!

Wait, stop that train of thought, it's just going to throw me off.

”Sorry to be a bother, but I've been lost for the last couple days and need some directions. Could you offer me some assistance?” I asked him.

”Sure, no problem. What are you looking for?”

”Ah well, I was just wondering if this is indeed Ilias Village. I'd gotten all mixed up on the way over here, so I don't know which way is which.”

He nodded. ”Eyup, happens to the best of us. Probably some monster working her vile magic to get ya lost in them woods. Good thing you ran into my though, been living here my whole life. Know these woods like the back of my hand.” To demonstrate he lifted up his hand.

And it was then speared by an arrow.

”Jesus Christ! The f.u.c.k?!”

The farmer for his part was calm. ”Sweet Ilias, those elves are attacking again. Best start running boy, lest they catch ya.” With that he ran off with an arrow in his hand, blood trailing on the ground behind him.

”Again! What?!”

Now a smart person would have ran off with the farmer, maybe followed him to the safety of other people. I on the other hand, looked around like an idiot, too confused to process what was going on.

A few arrows shot into the ground near my feet, making me jump is surprise.

”Don't move!” A woman's voice called out.

I turned to see where it was coming from. At the edge of the farmers field was a broken down fence separating the field from the forest I had just wandered out of.

Jumping the fence was two dark elves with bows. I could tell they were dark elves because of the bright, platinum hair, and well, their dark brown skin. It's a dead give away, really.

”You shot the wrong one!” One elf berated the other.

”It doesn't matter we scared him off! Now get the fat one!”

Shit! Are they talking about me?! Of course they are! Who else is here!

They were half jogging, half running towards me. Closing the distance between us too quickly for my liking. I turned away from them and finally started running, going in the same direction I saw the farmer go. I felt a pairs of hands tried and fail to grasp the back of my jacket.

Too close!

”The f.u.c.k is going on?!” I yelled out in confused frustration. Really shouldn't have done that though, man I was out of shape. Running for only ten seconds and I'm already getting out of breath.

This was going end pathetically for me, I just know it.

”A marriage proposal! Sunny, bring him down!”

”The arm or leg?”

”The arm! I don't want to carry him!”

As I kept going the sound of the elves boots on the ground stopped. For a brief moment I fooled myself into thinking they had given up, and then I realized what they had just said. They aren't really going to shoot me-

They shot me!

”The hell?!”

And now I'm one the ground, clutching the arrow sticking out of my left arm!

Ow that hurts! Seriously, you would not believe the pain I'm in! I don't think I would have been able to keep running like that crazy farmer. The pain and shock was too distracting for me. Did I mention I'm kind of a p.u.s.s.y, never been in a fight before and I bruise like a ripe orange.

I noticed two shadows on the ground next to me and felt a boot press down on my back.

I glanced up to get a look at them. They looked… just like normal women, save for those big anime, pointed elf ears. You know the ones that stick out to the side. Clothing was a green tunic and skirt. The only difference between them was the one that had her boot on my back had green eyes and the other one holding her bow had golden, yellowish eyes.

Through clenched teeth I said. ”Lovely weather we're having. Think I might bother you to get this arrow out of my arm? Seeing as you put it there in the first place!”

”Quit crying, it doesn't hurt that much.” Green eyes said. ”Sunny tie him up.” Oh the golden eye one is Sunny, that's cute.

”Uh sure, but should I remove the arrow first?”

”Well obviously… no, maybe? We removed it when we shot those deer.”

”Yeah, and without the arrow blocking the wound they bleed out. We want him alive after all.”

”Huh, yeah but you remember that Mom said not to leave the arrow in, it can cause long term damage to the body. A crippled man would be worthless.”

”Okay,” Sunny looked down at me. ”This is going to hurt, so uh, sorry.”

Oh please say she isn't going to? I was just joking about that!

F.u.c.k!

She did!

She pulled the arrow clean out, and now I'm listing off every swear I know.

They gave me a few moments to calm down, before my arms were roughly grabbed and pulled behind my back. I felt my wrist being loosely bound together by rope. Great, been here two days and already caught by monster girls. ”Is this really necessary?! Aren't we are all rational people here?!”

I was pulled up by my shoulders to a standing position by the two elves. They were stronger than they looked, and short than I thought. They didn't come up to my shoulders.

”We were being 'rational'. We told you not to move.”

”Why, did you run? Scared by two pretty girls running at you~?” Sunny asked.

”You startled me.”

”We startled you?”

”Yes. You, startled me.”

”Aw, we're sorry, but don't worry. We've got all the time in the world to make up for it~.” Green eyes said sarcastically.

”Or, or, hear me out. You let me go, and…”

”And?” She motioned for me to continue.

”… Give me a moment. I'm still trying to get my wits about. You did just shoot me.”

She gave me a flat look. ”Get walking.” With that both of them started to shove me towards the forest.

Whelp, I'm a goner.

It was a good run. A short run, but…. No, I suck. Caught by elves, the most boring monster girls ever, and I still have a gaping wound in my arm. I should have taken that slime up on her offers, at least that would have been a unique experience. But elves, all they had were those ears.

With all the possibilities in the world, why elves?

”We did it, we did it, we did it! Sis we finally caught one!” Sunny excitedly exclaimed.

”Yes! We can hopefully pay off that bounty… ”

”What are you two talking about?” I asked them. Man, whatever this is about really has them excited… Why can't I feel my arm?

”N-nothing! Foolish man! We've got you ensnared in our trap. Right Sunny?”

”Yeah-h, yes!”

”That's great but, my arm has gone numb… I think I need serious medical attention.”

There's a hole in my arm, my shirt, and my hoodie. All of three of which are being stained by fresh blood, my own blood might I add, and I'm feeling more and more lightheaded. Taking a second to process that.

”It's not like the Harpy Queen put a bounty on us for trying to steal her village's men.”

”That man was rightfully ours! We stole him from the bees first!” Sunny interjected.

”And it's not like we're taking you her as tribute in the vain hope that she won't imprison us.”

My whole body was going numb now. That was not a good sign. I slurred out a mumble for help.

”Good, that toxin is working now.”

I fell over, face first into the ground.

”Sunny, you used the knockout one right?” Sis asked. Yes that's what I'm calling her. In no position to ask for her real name at the moment.

”Of course, it's the one from the red bottle.”

”No… that's the heart stopping one. The knockout is in the maroon bottle.”

”Quick feed him the antidote!”

My face was roughly grabbed and bottle was shoved into my mouth. A vile tasting liquid was poured in, which I promptly threw up.

”Sis! I think we screwed up! We should've just served the jail time with the harpies.”

”Sunny!”

”They have those soft down feathers,”

”Sunny!”

”And those little baby chicks loved us,”

”Sunny!”

”And now he's going to die!”

”Sunny! Shut up!” I heard a loud slap. ”Everything is going to be fine! He is fine.” She pulled me up from the ground, again. ”See! Standing up right!”

It was at that moment the metaphorical cavalry arrived. We heard the wild shouting first, and I was turned to see who was coming to get me out of here.

On the dirt road I could make out a small figure waving a sword wildly over his head with a big red cloak billowing in the wind. And I think I could see his hair color, it was… purple.

It was Luka, and only Luka- Oh wait, there's an angry mob of farmers armed with pitchforks trailing behind him. Vision blacked out there for a moment. Couldn't see them.

Great! I'm recused!

”The humans are onto us Sis! What do we do?”

”Cut loose the bastard and run Sunny! Run!”

”Are you sure?! Can't we carry him-”

”Yes!”

They panicked and acted in a way I had really hoped they wouldn't. They stabbed me in the back… multiple times, and left the dagger in there.

Killed by the most amateurish kidnappers ever.

On the plus side though I think Sunny was against that, I saw golden eyes looking worried for me�� or that was worried about the angry mob.

So there I was, back to being face down on the ground. Again. I wish I had blacked out from blood loss or from the poison, but I was still conscious. I even heard Luka ask me something, he shook me a little to see if I was alive. So I yelled in pain some more.