Part 40 (1/2)

”We can wait, or come back,” Uncle Ned said.

”I'll be fine. I'll walk home. I just need to be alone, to think.”

The anxiety in her aunt's eyes was clear.

”Don't worry, Aunt Marsha.”

”Try telling the rain not to fall.”

Both women released a laugh.

”What happened is n.o.body's fault,” her aunt said.

”I know.”

”We love you, Emma,” her aunt said.

They drove off, leaving Emma alone to walk along the high prairie that disappeared into the mountains. She made her way around the headstones to the gravesite that was marked by a white wooden cross and a mound of dark earth.

The stone wasn't ready yet.

The small plate affixed to the cross read Joseph Lane and Tyler Lane.

Emma sat on the gra.s.s.

No one else was in the cemetery.

Birds twittered.

Am I wrong? Is everyone else right? Have I lost you forever?

She was so tired. She didn't know what to do.

I want to be with you. I need to be with you.

A breeze rolled down from the Rockies and lifted her hair, tugging her down a river of memories as moments of their lives together rained upon her like falling stars.

I feel your hand, Joe. I really do. I feel that s.h.i.+rt, that stupid faded denim s.h.i.+rt, softened by a thousand was.h.i.+ngs. I feel your skin. I smell you. I taste your cheek on my lips.

Oh, Tyler, Mommy sees you laughing in the sun.

I see you, Mom and Dad.

I see the fires that took you all.

I see you together.

Don't leave me here.

Can you hear me?

Please, take me with you.

I want to be with you.... I can't bear to be alone.

I can't be without you. I can't. I can't live without you.

I can't fight anymore.

Was I wrong about it all?

Was the phone call really about Dr. Durbin's letter? Was Polly Larenski crazy with grief, too? Was she not in her right mind when she called me and said Tyler was alive?

Help me!

Joe, help me! Tell me what to do. Tell me what is real because I don't know anymore. Send me a sign, show me the way, please. It hurts so much.

Time slipped away as Emma struggled with half-dreamed fears, listening and searching. But no one spoke to her and no signs emerged.

Reality descended upon her with the sinking sun.

She was alone.

Defeated.

She had come to another decision.

As she walked home from the cemetery, the truth emerged at every turn and every corner where she was met by the ghosts of her happiness.

There was the Wagon Wheel Diner where she first saw Joe. And there was the Branding Bar where she met him again a month later. And there were two houses that Joe and his crew built. And down the way, in the distance, she saw her school and, near it, the hospital where she had Tyler. There was the park where he liked to play.

I can't live without you.

Reality had arrived with the night, and the truth was as dark as the starless sky. She walked into Yancy's Drugs, went to the cold remedy aisle and s.n.a.t.c.hed a large bottle of extra-strong sleeping pills.

The store was deserted.

Mindy, the teenaged clerk, picked up the bottle from the counter. She hesitated to slide it over the scanner next to the cash, giving Emma a look that telegraphed her knowledge. Like when boys bought condoms or Mindy's girlfriends paid for birth control or Rudy, the furniture salesman, bought hair dye. If you wanted to know what was really going on in Big Cloud, talk to the checkout girl at Yancy's Drugs.

”How are you doing, Emma?” Mindy turned the bottle to find the barcode.

”I'm having trouble sleeping, Mindy. How's your mom?”

”Good. We're so sorry about what happened and everything.”

The scanner beeped.