24 11.1: Carotene (1/2)
'haven't you heard of what becomes of curious minds'
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I wonder if there'll be days when I'll miss some things. Things that aren't people.
If I'll miss the sunshine, the warmth of hugs, the pitter-patter of the rain, the feeling of a heart skip, the stars and the smiles people used to abundantly give each other, reminding themselves of the promise of hope.
I wonder as I try stopping my eyes from gazing and gazing around the darkness that engulfs me. I wonder as my chest tightens and tightens.
I also wonder if those are the first steps to madness. I wonder if too much wondering, too much gazing, too much lip licking, too less heart beating and too less breathing, maddens a person, maddens a soul.
And sometimes I think, I won't make it out of this sane if I ever make it out.
And realizing that I'm losing control so fast, just over my first cycle, makes me think of Tobias. Of how much he has been stuck in this continuous, non-ending cycle of agony for decades.
Tobias.
Where has he been? How is he? Why isn't he here to cheer me up? Why isn't he here to hear about the disaster that is my brother and the catastrophe that is my ex-best-friend?
I sniff to myself in the darkness, knowing very well that if I cried my eyeballs out, shrieked my soul to dust, it'll be okay. Everyone here must've done the same at some point. Everyone here didn't lose their sanity by mere occurrence. They lost it in hell.
Yet, I suffocate my screams that would very well sound like terror if terror had a sound. Because as much as I try convincing myself that I'll get used to it, it's all a lie. Because standing or lying or crouching or whatever the hell this body of mine, that I can't see or feel, is doing in this vast, vast darkness, amidst my hurricanous thoughts, is petrifying.
It's like those two seconds when you wake up from a horrible nightmare into the darkness of your squeezed shut eyes and the inability to breathe; thus tricking yourself that you're still entrapped with your demons.
And really, it's pain. It's so much pain from everywhere. So much agony, so much 'ouches', so much fear, so much heartache. It's like every breathing pore of my being hurts for existing.
And despite Tobias' warnings to not go looking for him, that's all I find myself doing when I'm all alone. I'd wander aimlessly, cautiously, hoping I'd bump into him just to give him a piece of my mind before being 'friends' again.
I will tell him that he was being a complete asshole and that he hurt me. I will tell him that I need him. And somehow thinking about what I'll tell him when I see him, makes me feel better, makes me feel hopeful that I will get to see him again.
---
I am sitting/standing by myself after a fair share of wandering and searching for Tobias, staring into the darkness dejectedly, boredly and a little too hopefully, when I hear my name.
I thought it was my imagination, my whisperous thoughts disguised in Tobias' voice because I'm simply and slowly losing it. But it wasn't. Because looking behind me felt like getting dipped in ice after a hot, hot day when I see Benjamin leaping toward me with Tobias following closely behind, eyes wide and unblinking.
His eyes are following (me?) Benjamin's sudden actions and glowing as if genuinely surprised by my presence (because you know, unlike me, he wasn't looking for me; because you know that's how things work out for me. Because people don't look for me and find me. They stumble on me.)
The distance between Benjamin and I tells me that I'm standing so I simply walk toward Tobias who seems to not have it together. Who seems very fazed and disoriented.
And I wonder if I'm the reason why. If his association with me and my problems deprive him of his hope. If it breaks him a little more. Because his proud posture is long gone and his hair that was once held back by a hairband (my hairband) is now held in a small bun at the back of his head.
So, ”I'm so sorry-” is the first thing that tumbles out of my mouth because I suppose if I'm so very repulsive to him, I can at least be apologetic about it.
Tobias looks confused. His eyes roam around my face and his red lips might be looking for words to kiss out. His hand tightens its hold around Benjamin's leash and I'm not sure if I can keep standing any longer.
He just doesn't want to talk to me and I realize I have one of two options. Either I can run away and ignore the fact that this hurt me and will keep hurting me- or, or I can stand my ground this one, dead time. One more, last time.
So I walk toward him more determinedly, the hollow for a heart in my chest, expanding and expanding with pain and defeat.
”You seriously don't want to talk?” I whisper slowly.
Tobias' chest falls with a heavy exhale because maybe his lungs are half full of water- my bad, viscous darkness, and he's silently drowning in it (?).
”After all we've been through?” I lift my index finger and point between us.
Tobias draws his eyebrows as his lips set themselves into a straight, unassuming line. His eyes aren't the open books they used to be. Because even when I used to fail to understand him (his hyperactivity and joy in this meek existence), I sought his eyes for answers; his eyes that are now no different than his sealed lips.
If I had tears in my pockets, they'd be raining on us.
”Well-” I say with a sniff. ”I-I trusted you. I trusted you-” I sniff. ”More than an acq-acquaintance.”
Tobias' shoulders drop and he approaches me as Benji barks at something we both ignore.
Tobias closes his eyes like it hurts to reply and I really wonder what has happened. What cut his tongue and stole his words.
”Rose-” He breathes out when he opens his eyes. ”I'm sorry about last time-” He says, his throat bobbing. ”-but I really have nothing to say to make you feel better-”
I look at him like what he said is the stupidest thing ever.
I mean, essentially, it is.
”I mean, I really am in a bad place-” He pauses to gulp hard. ”Mentally-” He says, fidgeting with his fingers. ”I thought you understood-” He looks up.