Part 27 (1/2)

I reached into my pocket and pulled out three Ludes. I cracked one in half and gave it to the d.u.c.h.ess. ”Here,” I said, ”half for you, and two and a half for me.”

The d.u.c.h.ess took her meager dose and headed for the water fountain. I followed dutifully. On the way, though, I reached back into my pocket and pulled out two more Ludes. After all, what's worth doing...is worth doing right.

Three hours later we were sitting in the back of a limousine, heading down a steep hill that led to Porto di Civitavecchia. The d.u.c.h.ess had a brand-new wardrobe, and I was so post-Luded I could barely keep my eyes open. There were two things I desperately needed: movement and a nap. I was in that rare phase of a Quaalude high called the movement phase, where you can't stand to be in the same spot for more than a second. It's the drug-induced equivalent of having ants in your pants.

Dave Ceradini noticed first. ”Why are there whitecaps in the harbor?” He pointed his finger out the window, and all eight of us looked.

Indeed, the grayish water looked awfully rough. There were tiny whirlpools swirling this way and that.

Ophelia said to me, ”Dave and I don't like rough water. We both get seasick.”

”Me too,” said Bonnie. ”Can we wait until the water calms down?”

Ross answered for me: ”You're such an imbecile, Bonnie. The boat's a hundred seventy feet long; it can handle a bit of chop. Besides, seasickness is a state of mind.”

I needed to calm everyone's fears. ”We have seasickness patches on board,” I said confidently, ”so if you get seasick, you should put one on as soon as we get on the boat.”

When we reached the bottom of the hill, I noticed that we'd all been wrong. There were no whitecaps; there were waves...Christ! I'd never seen anything like it! Inside the harbor were four-foot waves, and they seemed to be crossing over one another, in no particular direction. It was as if the wind were blowing from all four corners of the earth simultaneously. I'd never seen anything like it! Inside the harbor were four-foot waves, and they seemed to be crossing over one another, in no particular direction. It was as if the wind were blowing from all four corners of the earth simultaneously.

The limo made a right turn, and there it was: the yacht Nadine, Nadine, rising up majestically, above all the other yachts. G.o.d-how I hated the thing! Why the f.u.c.k had I bought it? I turned to my guests and said, ”Is she gorgeous or what?” rising up majestically, above all the other yachts. G.o.d-how I hated the thing! Why the f.u.c.k had I bought it? I turned to my guests and said, ”Is she gorgeous or what?”

Everyone nodded. Then Ophelia said, ”Why are there waves in the harbor?”

The d.u.c.h.ess said, ”Don't worry, O. If it's too rough we'll wait it out.”

Not a f.u.c.king prayer! I thought. Movement...movement Movement...movement...I needed movement.

The limo stopped at the end of the dock, and Captain Marc was waiting to greet us. Next to him was John, the first mate. They both wore their Nadine Nadine outfits-white collared polo s.h.i.+rts, blue boating shorts, and gray canvas boating moccasins. Every article of clothing bore the outfits-white collared polo s.h.i.+rts, blue boating shorts, and gray canvas boating moccasins. Every article of clothing bore the Nadine Nadine logo, designed by Dave Ceradini for the bargain price of $8,000. logo, designed by Dave Ceradini for the bargain price of $8,000.

The d.u.c.h.ess gave Captain Marc a great hug. ”Why is the harbor so rough?” she asked.

”There's a storm that popped out of nowhere,” said the captain. ”The seas are eight to ten feet. We should”-should-”wait 'til it dies down a bit before we head to Sardinia.”

”f.u.c.k that!” I sputtered. ”I gotta move right this f.u.c.king second, Marc.”

The d.u.c.h.ess was quick to rain on my parade: ”We're not going anywhere unless Captain Marc says it's safe.”

I smiled at the safety-conscious d.u.c.h.ess and said, ”Why don't you go on board and cut the tags off your new clothes? We're at sea now, honey, and I'm a G.o.d at sea!”

The d.u.c.h.ess rolled her eyes. ”You're a f.u.c.king idiot, and you don't know the first thing about the sea.” She turned to the group. ”Come on, girls, the sea G.o.d sea G.o.d has spoken.” With that, all the women laughed at me. Then, in single file, they headed to the gangway and climbed aboard the yacht-following their cherished leader, the d.u.c.h.ess of Bay Ridge. has spoken.” With that, all the women laughed at me. Then, in single file, they headed to the gangway and climbed aboard the yacht-following their cherished leader, the d.u.c.h.ess of Bay Ridge.

”I can't sit in this harbor, Marc. I'm heavily post-Luded. How far is Sardinia?”

”About a hundred miles, but if we leave now it's gonna take forever to get there. We'd have to go slow. You've got eight-foot waves, and the storms are unpredictable in this part of the Med. We'd have to batten down the hatches, tie everything down in the main salon.” He shrugged his square shoulders. ”Even then we might sustain some damage to the interior-some broken plates, some vases, maybe a few gla.s.ses. We'll make it, but I strongly advise against it.”

I looked at Rob, who compressed his lips and gave me a single nod, as if to say, ”Let's do it!” Then I said, ”Let's go for it, Marc!” I pumped my fist in the air. ”It'll be a fabulous adventure, one for the record books!”

Captain Marc smiled and started shaking his rectangular head. And we climbed aboard and prepared to shove off.

Fifteen minutes later, I was lying on a very comfortable mattress atop the yacht's flybridge, while a dark-haired stewardess named Mich.e.l.le served me a b.l.o.o.d.y Mary. Like the rest of the crew, she wore the Nadine Nadine uniform. uniform.

”Here you go, Mr. Belfort!” said Mich.e.l.le, smiling. ”Can I get you anything else?”

”Yes, Mich.e.l.le. I have a rare condition that requires me to drink one of these every fifteen minutes. And those are doctor's orders, Mich.e.l.le, so please set your egg timer or else I might wind up in the hospital.”

She giggled. ”Whatever you say, Mr. Belfort.” She started to walk away.

”Mich.e.l.le!” I screamed, in a voice loud enough to cut through the wind and the rumble of the twin caterpillar engines.

Mich.e.l.le turned to me, and I said, ”If I fall asleep, don't wake me up. Just keep bringing up the b.l.o.o.d.y Marys every fifteen minutes and line them up next to me. I'll drink them when I wake up, okay?”

She gave me the thumbs-up sign and then descended a very steep flight of stairs that led to the deck below, where the helicopter was stowed.

I looked at my watch. It was one p.m., Rome time. At this very moment, inside my stomach sac, four Ludes were dissolving. In fifteen minutes I would be tingling away; fifteen minutes after that I'd be fast asleep. How relaxing, I thought, as I downed the b.l.o.o.d.y Mary. Then I took a few deep breaths and shut my eyes. How very relaxing!

I woke up to the feeling of raindrops, but the sky was blue. That confused me. I looked to my right, and there were eight b.l.o.o.d.y Marys lined up, all filled to the rim. I shut my eyes and took a deep breath. There was a ferocious wind howling. Then I felt more raindrops. What the f.u.c.k? What the f.u.c.k? I opened my eyes. Was the d.u.c.h.ess pouring water on me again? She was nowhere in sight, though. I was alone on the flybridge. I opened my eyes. Was the d.u.c.h.ess pouring water on me again? She was nowhere in sight, though. I was alone on the flybridge.

All of a sudden I felt the yacht dipping down in a most unsettling way until it reached a forty-five-degree angle, and then out of nowhere I heard a wild cras.h.i.+ng sound. A moment later a thick wall of gray water came rising up over the side of the yacht, curled over the top of the flybridge, poured down-soaking me from head to toe.

What on G.o.d's earth? The flybridge was a good thirty feet above the water and-oh, s.h.i.+t, oh, s.h.i.+t-the yacht was dipping down again. Now I was being thrown on my side, and the b.l.o.o.d.y Marys went flying on top of me.

I sat up straight and looked over the side and-holy f.u.c.king s.h.i.+t! The waves had to be twenty feet high, and they were thicker than buildings. Then I lost my balance. I was flying off the mattress now onto the teak deck, and the b.l.o.o.d.y Mary gla.s.ses followed me, shattering into a thousand pieces. The waves had to be twenty feet high, and they were thicker than buildings. Then I lost my balance. I was flying off the mattress now onto the teak deck, and the b.l.o.o.d.y Mary gla.s.ses followed me, shattering into a thousand pieces.

I crawled over to the side, grabbed hold of a chrome railing, and pulled myself up. I looked behind the boat and-Holy s.h.i.+t! The Chandler! We were towing the Chandler! We were towing the Chandler, Chandler, a forty-two foot dive-boat, by two thick dock ropes, and it was disappearing and reappearing in the peaks and troughs of these enormous waves. a forty-two foot dive-boat, by two thick dock ropes, and it was disappearing and reappearing in the peaks and troughs of these enormous waves.

I got back on all fours and started crawling over to the stairs. The yacht felt like it was breaking apart. By the time I'd crawled down the stairway to the main deck, I'd been soaked and banged around mercilessly. I stumbled into the main salon. The entire group was sitting on the leopard-print carpet, huddled in a tight circle. They were holding hands and wearing life vests. When the d.u.c.h.ess saw me, she broke from the group and crawled toward me. But then all at once the boat began tipping wildly to port.

”Watch out!” I screamed, watching the d.u.c.h.ess roll across the carpet and smash into a wall. A moment later an antique Chinese vase went flying across the main salon and smashed into a window above her head, shattering into a thousand pieces.

Then the boat righted itself. I dropped to my hands and knees and quickly crawled over to her. ”Are you all right, baby?”

She gritted her teeth at me. ”You...you f.u.c.king sea G.o.d! I'm gonna kill you if we make it off this f.u.c.king boat! We're all about to die! What's going on? Why are the waves so big?” She stared at me with her enormous blue eyes.

”I don't know,” I said defensively. ”I was sleeping.”

The d.u.c.h.ess was incredulous. ”You were sleeping? How the f.u.c.k could you sleep through this? We're about to sink! Ophelia and Dave are deathly ill. So are Ross and Bonnie...and Sh.e.l.ly too!”

Just then Rob came crawling over with a great smile on his face. ”Is this a f.u.c.king rip or what? I always wanted to die at sea.”

The doleful d.u.c.h.ess: ”Shut the f.u.c.k up, Rob! This is as much your fault as my husband's. You two are complete idiots.”

”Where are the Ludes?” sputtered Rob. ”I refuse to die sober.”

I nodded in agreement. ”I have some in my pocket...Here,” and I reached into my shorts pocket, pulled out a handful of Ludes, and handed him four.

”Give me one of those!” snapped the d.u.c.h.ess. ”I need to relax.”