Part 8 (1/2)

Really, this just completely appalls me: That a political party handed one of the largest legislative majorities in decades can do what it was sent to do by voters in such a manner that it seems both defensive and apologetic for doing so, and has allowed the party which was swept from power for being to political intelligence what late-era Hapsburgs were to genetic robustness to potentially crawl back into power, not on the strength of its political ideas but on its ability to exploit the Democrats' weaknesses in organization and communication.

And some Democratic partisans will say, but, you don't understand. The GOP and all its various offshoots and media abettors, they're just so mean. To which I say: Really? This is somehow a surprise? Of course they're mean-they've got nothing else. The GOP has no actual and verifiable legislative plan, nor is it currently smart enough to come up with one. What you're left with when you've got no brain is shaking your fist and yelling at the clouds for being socialist. The GOP can't help themselves doing this any more than they can help themselves thinking that the best way to cure diphtheria is to give a fund manager a tax cut. For G.o.d's sake, this has been the GOP strategy since at least 1994, when that bilious creature known as Newt Gingrich erupted out of the back benches with his strategy to turn the word ”liberal” into the moral equivalent of ”pederast.”

Given the paucity of intellect in the GOP, you can't really blame it for running back to this strategy over and over, especially when it works. What you can do is blame the Democrats for continuing to fall for this s.h.i.+t, over and over and over again. The reason it works is because the Democrats can't or won't call stupid stupid; they keep trying the ”let's be reasonable” thing against people working hard so that the sentence ”OBAMA IS A NIGERIAN ISLAMO-SOCIALIST WHO'S GOING TO MAKE YOU GAY MARRY AN ANCHOR BABY” doesn't strike 20% of Americans as evidence that something in the utterer's brain has just exploded. You can also blame the Democrats for doing a p.i.s.s-poor job of reminding voters that what they're pa.s.sing in Congress is what they were sent there to do. And you can also blame them for not doing the one thing the GOP actually does remarkably well, which is keep its caucus in line and on message and voting the same way on the things that actually matter.

And as it happens, I do blame the Democrats for this. In a sane world-in a world where the Democrats had enough political ac.u.men that they couldn't only get Congressional majorities when the GOP had screwed things up so badly that even the dimmest of voters could no longer ignore the damage-we wouldn't be talking about the very real likelihood that the GOP, this GOP, arguably the least intellectually and legislatively impressive GOP in the history of that august party, might take back the House. That we are talking about it really is all down to the Democrats. If they lose the House, it won't be because the GOP deserve to have won it. It'll be because the Democrats simply weren't smart enough to keep it.

That would make them, in fact, stupider than the modern GOP. The mind reels.

I'll Get Back to You When I Get Back To You Jun

10.

2009.

Look, a New York Times piece on how smartphones have morphed from luxury to necessity, which includes this following observation regarding responding when people e-mail or text you: ”The social norm is that you should respond within a couple of hours, if not immediately,” said David E. Meyer, a professor of psychology at the University of Michigan. ”If you don't, it is a.s.sumed you are out to lunch mentally, out of it socially, or don't like the person who sent the e-mail.”

All together, now: Bulls.h.i.+t.

First: If you are the sort of person who believes that all your e-mails/texts must be responded to instantaneously or sooner, you may be a self-absorbed twit. Please entertain the idea that your responder may have a life of his or her own, with priorities which may not conform to yours. Chimpanzees, dogs and certain species of squid have all developed a theory of mind-you can too, if you try. We're all rooting for you out here.

Second: If you're the sort of person who believes that all e-mails/texts must be responded to instantaneously or sooner, that probably means you're ignoring something important right in front of you, like the other person at the table, or traffic on the freeway, or a large dog about to savage you because you're carelessly walking on his lawn. For your own safety and the courtesy of others, please do pay attention to the real world. Just because an e-mail or text wants your attention doesn't mean you're obliged to give it.

Third: Can we all agree that we don't want to live in a world where we are obliged to respond to e-mails/text in an unrealistically short period of time, lest we be thought an enormous douchenozzle? I think trying to respond to your e-mails/texts over a course of a day or even two is perfectly reasonable, coupled with the understanding that, in fact, not every e-mail/text requires a response, so you might not get one. If you really need an immediate response, you can ask for one in the e-mail/text-again, with the understanding that a) abusing the ”please respond asap” privilege dumps you into the ”self-absorbed twit” category, and b) that person may still not respond immediately.

Basically, if we all agree that we can act like people who don't have to be ZOMG the centaar of Teh Univa.r.s.e!!!one!! for every other person and thing, things will be a lot more pleasant overall.

Mind you, even if we can't all agree with this, I'm still going to answer my e-mail/texts on my own sweet schedule, not anyone else's. Yes, I have a smartphone. And yes, I do in fact answer e-mails and texts with it; it's fun to do so. But the main reason I have the phone is so that if my car flips and I'm pinned under two tons of Honda steel, I can call for help. I may or may not answer texts/e-mails any sooner because I have the phone. Not answering immediately does not mean I don't like you; it means I have my own life and I'm busy with it. If you can't manage to grasp that basic and obvious fact, that goes into the bin marked ”your problems,” not mine.

Note that this formulation does not apply if you are my wife. If you are my wife, your e-mails and texts are returned immediately. Because I totally love you, babe. Everyone else: Eh. I think this is a fair set of priorities, personally.

An Incomplete Guide to Not Creeping Aug

9.

2012.

The last couple of months have been a really interesting time for geekdom, as it's had its face rubbed in the fact that there are a lot of creepy a.s.sbags among its number, and that geekdom is not always the most welcoming of places for women. Along that line, this e-mail from a con-going guy popped into my queue a few days ago: Any tips on how not to be a creeper? I try not to be, but I don't know that I'm the best judge of that.

Let's define our terms here. Let's say that for this particular conversation, a ”creeper” is someone whose behavior towards someone else makes that other person uncomfortable at least and may possibly make them feel unsafe. A creeper may be of any gender and may creep on any gender, but let's acknowledge that a whole lot of the time it's guys creeping on women. Creeping can happen any place and in any community or grouping of people, but in geekdom we see a lot of it at conventions and other large gatherings.

Let me also note that the reason I stress this is an incomplete guide is because a) there's no way to cover every contingency and b) I'm writing this from the point of view of someone who doesn't get creeped on very much (it almost never happens to me) and when it does happen I am usually in a position, by way of my gender, age, personal temperament and contextual notability, to do something about it. Other people who are creeped on-particularly women-aren't necessarily in the same position. So the advice I give you here is informed by my point of view, not theirs, and as such is almost certainly incomplete (but hopefully not wrong). This is just a start, in other words, and others will have different and probably better perspectives on the subject.

That said, these are the rules that I use when I meet people, particularly women, for the first time and/or to whom I find myself attracted in one way or another. Because, yeah, I do meet a lot of people and/or I do find many of the people I know in a casual way to be attractive in one way or another. The very last thing I want is for them to feel that I am a creepy a.s.sbag. These are the things I do to avoid coming across as one.

Bear in mind that following these recommendations will not make you a good guy. They will just hopefully make you be not so much of a creeper. These are preventative measures, in other words, and should be viewed as such.

Fair enough? Okay, then. Let's start with some biggies.

1. Acknowledge that you are responsible for your own actions. You are (probably) a fully-functioning adult. You probably are able to do all sorts of things on your own-things which require the use of personal judgment. Among those things: How you relate to, and interact with, other human beings, including those who you have some interest in or desire for. Now, it's possible you may also be socially awkward, or have trouble reading other people's emotions or intentions, or whatever. This is your own problem to solve, not anyone else's. It is not an excuse or justification to creep on other people. If you or other people use it that way, you've failed basic human decency.

2. Acknowledge that you don't get to define other people's comfort level with you. Which is to say that you may be trying your hardest to be interesting and engaging and fun to be around-and still come off as a creeper to someone else. Yes, that sucks for you. But you know what? It sucks for them even harder, because you're creeping them out and making them profoundly unhappy and uncomfortable. It may not seem fair that ”creep” is their a.s.sessment of you, but: Surprise! It doesn't matter, and if you try to argue with them (or anyone else) that you're in fact not being a creep and the problem is with them not you, then you go from ”creep” to ”complete a.s.sbag.” Sometimes people aren't going to like you or want to be near you. It's just the way it is.

3. Acknowledge that no one's required to inform you that you're creeping (or help you to not be a creeper). It's nice when people let you know when you're going wrong and how. But you know what? That's not their job. It's especially not their job at a convention or some other social gathering, where the reason they are there is to hang out with friends and have fun, and not to give some dude an intensive course in how not to make other people intensely uncomfortable with his presence. If you are creeping on other people, they have a perfect right to ignore you, avoid you and shut you out-and not tell you why. Again: you are (probably) a fully-functioning adult. This is something you need to be able to handle on your own.

Shorter version of above: It's on you not to be a creeper and to be aware of how other people respond to you.

Also extremely important: 4. Acknowledge that other people do not exist just for your amus.e.m.e.nt/interest/desire/use. Yes, I know. You know that. But oddly enough, there's a difference between knowing it, and actually believing it-or understanding what it means in a larger social context. People go to conventions and social gatherings to meet other people, but not necessarily (or even remotely likely) for the purpose of meeting you. The woman who is wearing a steampunky corset to a convention is almost certainly wearing it in part to enjoy being seen in it and to have people enjoy seeing her in it-but she's also almost certainly not wearing it for you. You are not the person she has been waiting for, the reason she's there, or the purpose for her attendance. When you act like you are, or that she has (or should have) nothing else to do than be the object of your amus.e.m.e.nt/interest/desire/use, the likelihood that you will come across a complete creeper rises exponentially. It's not an insult for someone else not to want to play that role for you. It's not what they're there for.

So those are some overarching things to incorporate into your thinking. Here are some practical things.

5. Don't touch. Seriously, man. You're not eight, with the need to run your fingers over everything, nor do you lack voluntary control of your muscles. Keep your hands, arms, legs and everything else to yourself. This is not actually difficult. Here's an idea: That person you want to touch? Put them in charge of the whole touch experience. That is, let them initiate any physical contact and let them set the pace of that contact when or if they do-and accept that that there's a very excellent chance no touch is forthcoming. Do that when you meet them for the first time. Do that after you've met them 25 times. Do it just as a general rule. Also, friendly tip: If you do touch someone and they say ”don't touch me,” or otherwise make it clear that touching was not something you should have done, the correct response is: ”I apologize. I am sorry I made you uncomfortable.” Then back the h.e.l.l off, possibly to the next state over.

6. Give them s.p.a.ce. Hey: Hold your arm straight out in front of your body. Where your fingertips are? That's a nice minimum distance for someone you're meeting or don't know particularly well (it's also not a bad distance for people you do know). Getting inside that s.p.a.ce generally makes people uncomfortable, and why make people uncomfortable? That's creepy. Also creepy: Sneaking up behind people and getting in close to them, or otherwise getting into their personal s.p.a.ce without them being aware of it. If you're in a crowded room and you need to scrunch in, back up when the option becomes available; don't take it as an opportunity to linger inside that personal zone. Speaking of which: 7. Don't box people in. Trapping people in a corner or making it difficult for them to leave without you having the option to block them makes you an a.s.sbag. Here's a hint: If you are actually interesting to other people, you don't need to box them into a corner.

8. That amusing s.e.xual innuendo? So not amusing. If you can't make a conversation without trying to shoehorn suggestive or s.e.xually-related topics into the mix, then you know what? You can't make conversation. Consider also the possibility that playing the s.e.xual innuendo card early and often signals to others in big flas.h.i.+ng neon letters that you're likely a tiresome person who brings nothing else to the table. This is another time where an excellent strategy is to let the other person be in charge of bringing s.e.xual innuendo to the conversational table, and managing the frequency of its appearance therein.

9. Someone wants to leave? Don't go with them. Which is to say, if they bow out of a conversation with you, say goodbye and let them go. If they leave the room, don't take that as your cue to follow them from a distance and show up wherever it is they are as if it just happens you are showing up in the same place. Related to this, if you spend any amount of time positioning yourself to be where that person you are interested in will be, or will walk by, for the purpose of ”just happening” to be there when they are, you're probably being creepy as h.e.l.l. Likewise, if you attach yourself to a group just to be near that person. Dude, it's obvious, and it's squicky.

10. Someone doesn't want you around? Go away. Here are some subtle hints: When you come by they don't make eye contact with you. When they are in a group the group contracts or turns away from you. If you interject in the conversation people avoid following up on what you've said. One of the friends of the person you are interested in interposes themselves between you and that person. And so on. When stuff like that happens, guess what? You're not wanted. When that happens, here's what you do: Go away. Grumble to yourself (and only to yourself) all you like about their discourteousness or whatever. Do it away from them. Remember that you don't get to define other people's comfort level with you. Remember that they're not obliged to inform you about why they don't want you around. Although, for G.o.d's sake, if they do tell you they don't want you around, listen to them.

Again: Not a complete instruction set on how not to be a creeper. But a reasonable start, I think.

In Which I Select a Current GOP Presidential Candidate to Vote For Nov

11.

2011.

As most of you are no doubt aware, in 2012, I am about as likely to vote for a GOP candidate for president as I am likely to vomit a Volkswagen Beetle straight out of my esophagus. But if I had to vote for a GOP candidate for president, which current GOP candidate would I vote for? Well, I'll tell you, in a list, from least likely to most likely.