Part 7 (1/2)
Two words: mucus explosion. However, the problem with mega-laughs is that they're hard to follow up. Sooner or later you're all laughed out, and there's this big silence. Then what do you do?
”So I guess you really like films.”
”They're OK.”
”I mean, you have all these actors all over your room.”
”Huh?”
”Hugh Jackman, Hugh Jackman, Daniel Craig, Hugh Jackman, Ryan Reynolds, Daniel Craig, Brad Pitt.”
”It's not really about the movies.”
”Oh.”
She was sitting at her desk and I was sitting on her bed. It was way too soft of a bed. I had sunk into it to an uncomfortable degree.
”I like movies,” said Rachel, sort of apologetically. ”But a movie doesn't have to be good if it has Hugh Jackman.”
Fortunately and unfortunately, at that moment I got a text from Earl.
yo pa gaines drove me to whole foods so if you need some funky vlasic pickle relish for that p.u.s.s.y just hollerrr This was fortunate because it changed the subject from movies, and it was going to be difficult to discuss movies with Rachel without mentioning my filmmaking career, which for obvious reasons I did not want to mention. But it was unfortunate in that it made me do a sort of snarfing laugh and then Rachel wanted to know what had happened.
”Who was that from?”
”Uh, that was from Earl.”
”Oh.”
”You know Earl? Earl Jackson, from high school?”
”I don't think so.”
How the h.e.l.l was I even supposed to introduce Earl.
”Uh, Earl and I send each other disgusting texts sometimes.”
”Oh.”
”That's basically our entire friends.h.i.+p.”
”What does that one say?”
I considered sharing it with her. Then I decided that that would bring about the apocalypse.
”I can't show it to you. It is way too disgusting.”
This was a tactical error, because a more annoying girl might have said, ”Greg, now you have to show it to me,” and let's face it: Most girls are annoying. I mean, most humans are annoying, so it's not specific to girls. Also, I don't really mean ”annoying.” I guess I mean that most humans like to try to f.u.c.k up your plans.
But one thing you could say about Rachel was this: She wasn't constantly trying to f.u.c.k up your plans.
”That's fine. You don't have to show it to me.”
”You really don't want to see it.”
”I don't need to see it.”
”All you need to know is that it's about the combination of food and s.e.x. Like, oral s.e.x.”
”Greg, why are you telling me about it.”
”Just so you can know for sure that it's something you don't want to know about.”
”Why is Earl combining food and oral s.e.x?”
”Because he's a psychopath.”
”Oh.”
”He's just completely insane. If you looked into his brain for even one second you would probably go blind.”
”He sounds like a pretty weird friend.”
”Yeah.”
”How did you guys end up being friends?”
There was no good way to answer this seemingly innocuous question.
”I mean, I'm also pretty weird.”
This actually got Rachel to do a little aftershock snort.
”I guess the pillow thing is weird.”
Earl and I are both pretty weird. And maybe that is why we're friends. But probably you deserve more of an explanation than that.
Also, what the h.e.l.l does ”weird” even mean? I've just written it like five times and all of a sudden I'm staring at it and it doesn't even mean anything anymore. I just murdered the word ”weird.” Now it's just a bunch of letters. It's like there's all these dead bodies all over the page now.
I'm sort of close to having a freak-out about this. I have to go eat some snacks or leftovers or something.
OK, I'm back.