Part 44 (1/2)
”I want to ask you something, ” he finally said.
”And I want to tell you something, so we're even. Do you want to go first?”
”Not particularly, but I will if you want me to. ”
”Fire away. ”
”Did I do the right thing, bringing you along with me?”
That surprised her. She had been afraid that he was about to reveal that he had changed his mind and wanted to revisit the possibility of romance between them. If he had said that, she would have been forced to find words to explain the way she had felt on that front, and she doubted any such words existed. She knew exactly where those feelings had come from, but she hadn't quite worked out what they were now. And then there was Ula, whom she definitely intended to look up when she got back.
”I guess, ” she said, ”it depends on what you mean by 'right.'”
He grimaced. ”That doesn't really help. ”
”Well, let me tell you what I was going to say, and maybe that will help. It's this: Thank you. ”
”For what?”
”Just thanks. ”
”Why?”
She rolled her eyes. ”You're going to make me explain it, aren't you?”
”If it's not too much trouble. ” He managed a twitch of his lips that might have been a smile.
”It's pretty simple, really. You came across me when things were the darkest they had ever been. I had no security, no family, no purpose-no life, really. You offered me all of those things. Relatively speaking, of course. I'd never come up against anything like the hexes before, and I'd always prided myself on keeping most of my limbs intact. But the essentials were there. We had the mission; we had roles to play. And I had you. ”
She raised a hand to stop him talking over her. ”I know I didn't have you, in any possessive sense, but you represented more to me than just some guy I'd b.u.mped into. You're Kiffar like me, and there aren't many of us out there now, so that made you family. And you had my back when things got tough, so that made you-made you like my squad, I guess. You were everything I'd been missing, without ever being able to say so. ”
”I'm flattered, ” he said.
”Don't be, ” she said. ”It wasn't really anything to do with you. Any other handsome, well-armed Kiffar would have fit the bill. ” She smiled to take the sting off her words, and he smiled in return.
”I'm glad, ” he said. ”That makes me feel like I did do the right thing. ”
”Well, think that now, but the day I'm in the Empire's sights and out of ammo, know that you'll be the first I blame. At least I'll have a proper squad with me then, so that's one box ticked. ”
She was surprised by a sudden upwelling of emotion. She really was grateful, but she didn't know how to convey it, except with a joke.
”Were you seriously thinking I wished I'd never come? Don't you remember how I used to smell?”
”It still gives me nightmares. ”
”Besides, I reckon you have a lot more to worry about now. ”
He sobered. ”What do you mean?”
”Well, the fact you're wondering about what you did tells me you've entered a whole new world of uncertainty. Doing the right thing isn't so easy in the real world, is it?”
He studied the gra.s.s at their feet. ”No. ”
”So you learn that lesson, which means you'll probably become a proper Jedi Knight now, but in the process you come to the shocking realization that nothing will ever be black and white again. It's all gray. ”
”Not all of it, ” he said. ”There's still some black. ”
”But white is hard to find, right?” She put her prosthetic hand on his shoulder. ”You're a warrior now. Eventually you only see in two colors: black and red. Best get used to that, if you're going to stay on the front line. ”
”Do I have a choice?”
”Sure you do. With the life you've had, you've always had a choice. ”
”Do you still think I've had it easy?”
”No, my friend. No. ” The flash of anger in his deep green eyes had come too quickly. She worried about that. But she knew she'd said enough. It wasn't her job to bang his head into shape. ”Everyone knows Clan Kons.h.i.+ got a raw deal when it came to looks. ”
That put the anger back in its place, where it could simmer until it found another outlet. She pitied the next person who met him on the wrong end of his lightsaber.
”I should go, ” he said. ”The Council must surely be finished deliberating by now. ”
”That's life in wartime, ” she said. ”A whole lot of waiting around between bouts of being shot at. ”
”Don't forget to duck, Larin. ”
They stood and faced each other.
”Don't you forget to keep looking for the white, ” she said, putting her arms around him and giving him a quick squeeze. ”It's out there somewhere. You just have to find it. ”
He nodded.
They left the Cenotaph of the Innocents by separate paths. She didn't look back.
CHAPTER 47.
”h.e.l.lo, Mother. Sorry I've been out of touch for so long. Work has kept me very busy, but I'll tell you all about that another time. Call me on Coruscant when you have the chance. ”
Ula closed the line and settled back to wait. He didn't think it would be long. After the loss of Darth Chratis, the failure of the Cinzia to amount to anything, and the erasure of the fleet's data banks, he was sure someone would want to hear his side of the story.
What that would be he had given a great deal of thought.
His comlink bleeped, warning him the call was imminent. That was impressively fast-so fast, in fact, that it made him wonder. Ordinarily someone on Panatha would note the message, then relay the coded request up through the lines of command to Watcher Three, who would then issue orders that would filter back down the lines of command, resulting in that simple ping. Ordinarily, this process could take hours. Occasionally tens of minutes. Never seconds.
Ula looked around his apartment. It seemed smaller than he remembered, and now had a hostile cast to it as well. He would conduct a sweep later that evening in the hope of finding the bug he was now sure was there. Whether he would destroy the bug or not remained an open question.