Part 23 (1/2)
Makedde thought about what Ann said.
”I don't know. I guess I'm just so shocked. I'm not sure what to think.”
The psychiatrist wrote a few notes on a pad of paper, and Makedde remained silent. What do I think about his showing up?
”Do you have any interest in rekindling things with this detective?”
”No.” The response was quick. Perhaps too quick. ”Which doesn't mean I haven't ended up...”
Mak grew quiet and crossed her arms again. f.u.c.k, I slept with him. I can't believe I did that!
”And how has his presence affected you, Makedde?”
It took Mak a while to answer that one.
He totally screws me up.
”I am totally thrown. It just brings back so many memories.” She looked down. ”Bad memories.” She choked on the last words, and with that, tears welled up in Makedde's eyes. No dammit, don't cry! Don't! The tears clung to her lashes and she tilted her head back, willing them to go away. When they finally cascaded down, they stung her cheeks. But she didn't make a sound.
Dr Morgan held out the box of Kleenex and Mak grabbed a couple. She dabbed her eyes and nose, holding her breath tight, trying to make it stop.
”I'm sorry,” she said. She had surprised herself by crying, having thought she had already done her share. She had very little tolerance for her own grief. It was always best to just get on with it.
”You have no idea how devastating it is to accept that...that you were...helpless,” Mak said. ”When it really mattered...just helpless. And someone had to come along and save you.” Mak held her mouth tight and tilted her head back.
”This is a safe place for you to talk about this stuff, Makedde. You need to cry, so cry. There is no need to apologise. You have every right to be upset about your experience.”
Dr Morgan was so calm. She seemed to give off a serene, settling kind of energy that somehow made Mak feel okay about opening up. That was part of her job, of course, and Mak had to admit she was good at it.
It took a while for her to get her composure back.
”Now I can't believe Andy is here. It was so easy to not think of him when he was thousands of miles away, I could leave it all back in Australia. Then he shows up.”
”Yes, that'd be hard. Do you feel that it's unfair of him to have come without warning?”
”Yes!” She wiped her nose. ”It b.l.o.o.d.y p.i.s.ses me off. I mean I know he left messages and I didn't call back, but he could have let me know. He could have let me know what he was calling about.”
”Yes. That would have been the right thing for him to do,” the doctor said.
”Doesn't he realise what his presence does to me? I mean, he saved my life! He found me naked and bleeding and helpless and he saved me, and I can't forgive myself for that. I had to be saved. If there was any way to relive the past...I would do anything to change that. I-”
”Be careful what you wish for,” Ann said.
”What?”
”Don't go wis.h.i.+ng to relive the trauma you experienced, or you risk attracting violence to yourself. If not in real life, then at least in your dreams. It was bad enough that you had to endure it once, but you have been reliving that trauma in your nightmares, hoping to find a new resolution.”
Mak stopped and let that sink in.
My G.o.d, she's right.
”I never thought about it that way.”
Ann looked directly at her, those intelligent brown eyes holding her thoughts, her secrets. ”You were abducted by a terrible person and the police managed to find you before it was too late. The crime was in abducting you, Makedde, not in saving you.”
But no one could save my mother. Why should I be saved when no one could save her?
”This detective, Andy Flynn, hasn't done anything wrong, except perhaps being insensitive to your feelings about the situation.”
”Oh, he is so bad for me. I can't tell you,” Makedde blurted, the tears still running freely down her face. ”I don't know what it is about him. I think he's basically a decent man, but something about him just signals trouble. Nothing but trouble.” She was on a roll now. ”I have actually been dating someone, finally, for the first time since I got back from all that c.r.a.p in Australia. This guy, Roy Blake, seems really sweet too.”
Ann looked up. ”Roy Blake?” she asked.
”Yeah. He's tall and good-looking, and he works as a security guard at the university. I know...I know... cops, security guards...not much difference.” Mak took a deep breath. ”Nice guy, I think. He looks out for me, he brings me flowers...” She was aware that she was rambling. Her thoughts were running off in ten directions at once.
”Makedde, it is a very positive sign that you decided to date someone new. That is exactly what you should be doing. Going out and enjoying the company of some new people. It is a sign that you are moving on-”
”But I haven't finished yet.” She opened her mouth to speak, then closed it again. The words were hard. ”I ended up in bed with Andy last night. It just happened. I hadn't planned it at all. That is what I meant when I said I had done something stupid. I don't know. I feel like a total...s.l.u.t or something. It's all wrong. I mean with Andy showing up suddenly, and freaking me out with this news about an investigation at the university. The Nahatlatch Murders. And he made it sound like some psycho is actually hunting for victims at UBC. Like he is dragging them out into the wilderness and shooting them like animals...and he's hunting for them at my university! And I wasn't doing so hot before that news anyway...I feel like everything is out of control here. I'm out of control. I mean; I slept with him...”
Calm down, Makedde. You're losing it.
”Did you not want to?” Ann said.
Mak took a deep breath. She thought about that. Yes, she had wanted to. She hadn't planned to, but she had wanted to.
”You are trying to overcome some issues right now. Your insomnia is your body's way of saying, 'Hey, you need to sort this out.' Make sure every step you take is one that will bring you closer to a resolution, Makedde. I think it is wise that you have decided to speak to someone about this.”
No kidding? I can't believe it took me so long.
”I'm not sure what to do now. I've never felt like this.” Makedde thought of how she was with Roy, and then Andy the very next night. ”I've never acted like this. I am afraid of making more bad decisions.”
”Take it easy and look out for number one, okay? And remember that you don't owe these men anything, Makedde. It is okay to ask for s.p.a.ce.”
But I owe Andy my life.
Makedde didn't say it, but she thought it.
I owe him my d.a.m.n life.
Dr Morgan suggested that she see her again in two days, and Mak agreed. She drove home, feeling drained. She lay on her bed for several hours before sleep finally came.
CHAPTER 34.