Part 14 (1/2)
He looks around, and lowers his voice. ”He put a drug called methyl iodide in my mother's coffee. It made it look like she had a stroke.”
I take a step back, then another, and then another, and suddenly he's holding me by the arms, holding me up. He pulls me to him off the path and I sink against the tree and sit down between the roots. Hawk lowers himself next to me and I sit there and hug myself.
”Why... you didn't say anything?”
”He caught me on his computer. We fought. He told me to leave town. I told him to go f.u.c.k himself. I was going to kill him. Then...”
”What?”
”You. He said if I didt anything he'd hurt you. He didn't say what he'd do but he said he had friends that would like to... do things... to you. You, Alex. I don't care what happens to me. If something happened to you, I'd die. I'd rather cut out my own heart.”
My throat is dry as a bone.
”If... if you'd known where I was, would you have come for me?”
”Yes.”
He says it immediately, without hesitation, without reservation. He grabs my hand and squeezes, and a bright brilliant burning part of me wants to throw my arms around him right now, but another part goes cold, and I pull my hand out of his.
”I don't know if I can do it,” I say, softly. ”It hurt me, Hawk. What they did. It hurt me here.” I touch my chest. ”I still have feelings for you, I think, but I can't...”
I trail off.
He pulls his hand back and leans on his knees.
”Will you tell me what happened? Why they committed you?”
”I didn't do anything wrong,” I blurt out, choking down a sob. ”I didn't!”
”Alex, I know you didn't do anything-”
”I mean I didn't do anything. I don't know why. I was home for winter break and I was living with them because mom moved in and gave up the apartment.” It just spills out of me in a single breath. ”Tom was in his office talking to some guy about s.h.i.+pments or clearing customs or something, and he said something about... about whales?” I clutch my head. ”I can't remember. The drugs make it all fuzzy.”
By the end I'm whimpering.
Lightly, gingerly, Hawk puts his arm around me and pulls me to him. I bury my face in his chest and choke down my sobs.
”It's okay, Alex.”
”It's not okay. It'll never be okay. I still have dreams about that place. Sometimes I wake up and I think I'm still there and this is all a dream. I'm still trapped on the bed and I can feel that knife on my leg and any second it's going to start sawing and...”
”It's okay, I'll never let-”
”I have worse dreams. They have me strapped down and it's May. She's in the bed next to mine and they're injecting her with something and she starts screaming. Sometimes I wake up and I can't... I can't move.”
His arms tighten around me.
”I'm going to kill him.”
”What?”
”I'll rip out his throat with my bare hands.”
”You can't.” I'm holding him back, now. ”They'll take you away again. I can't go through that again. You can't leave me. Ever.”
I pull away from him. He lets go, only reluctantly, and I sit back against the tree. He reaches over and sets his palm against my cheek, brushes the tear away with his thumb. The calloused, tough skin of his hand is rough against my cheek. I lean into his touch, rub my cheek against his hand.
”Before you left,” I say, very calmly. ”I was going to, uh, make a move. Tell you how I felt.”
”How did you feel?”
I can't say it. Three little words and I can't say it. It catches in my throat and makes tears leak from my eyes. I want to, but something won't let me.
”I feel the same way now I did then,” he says.
The world turns blurry as my eyes water. I pull up my s.h.i.+rt and use it to scrub at my tears, but not too hard; I don't want to look like I've been crying when I get home.
”I can't stay away too long,” I sigh. ”My runs don't usually last this long. I need to get back.”
”I know. We can't be seen together. You go on ahead.”
”Are you going to follow me?”
”Yes. Just to keep an eye on you.”
I manage to stand up, slowly.
When I start to run I don't look back.
Not because I don't want to, because I don't have to.
G.o.d I hate myself.
How many days, months, years praying for Hawk to come back? For him to show up and save me?
I meant what I said. I want it to be like it was. I ache for it with every fiber of my being, long for it down to the marrow of my bones. I would give anything, anything, to go back to that water park, back to that bus, just to feel that way again. I want the world I was supposed to have, not this h.e.l.l.
I run.
It takes maybe fifteen minutes to get back to the house. By then I've run myself out, I'm totally winded, breathing hard in ragged heaves as I walk back up the porch steps, slip in through the back door and start upstairs.
As I pa.s.s through the kitchen, the office door opens and I scurry upstairs, a fright pa.s.sing through me like an electric shock.
I hear Tom's voice.
”Thank you again, Eli. We'll be starting soon.”
No answer to that, whoever Eli is, I can't hear his voice. I hear footsteps, though, and see a man in what looks like an Amish getup walk through the foyer, Tom at his back. By the time they open the door for Tom's guest to leave, I'm already in my room, the door locked. I wait a good ten minutes before I grab my robe and head into the bathroom for a quick shower.
When I step out, Tom is coming up the stairs.