Chapter 26.2 (1/2)

Candle: I debated splitting this into 2 releases since it's so long, but if I cut it off where things would end nicely it'd be a bit lopsided. So I gave up… Please enjoy this monster of a release!

Niang Niang: tbh we should just do one loooooong release that smushes all the chapters into one loooooooooooong page. We'd call it the All-The-Chapters chapter. Whadyathink?

This was the first time since losing my memories that I gained such a deep understanding of ballet. I was unwilling to just let it be like this. Even if I couldn't remember anything, I refused to just accept things like this. I was resentful. A rejection this strong made me feel tormented and hateful. This was the first time I wanted to stand on a stage again, receiving the admiration of all that saw me. The flowers and applause, all solely for me. I didn't just want back my past memories and my past dream. I wanted my rightful glory. Yet this made me feel conflicted. Alongside those desires, I also loathed my past and hated those that had stayed by my side in the past, solely because of ballet.

This hatred coalesced into a hatred for Yin Li and Yin Xuan.

This was the first time I behaved so hysterically to Yin Li. He was still standing there outside the apartment, just like when I had left in the morning. I rushed over, yelling.

”I hate you! You guys took away everything that was mine!”

I then crouched down and broke into deep, shuddering sobs.

”I don't have anything! I don't know what sort of person I should be. n.o.body needs me!”

The pa.s.sersby watched our confrontation curiously. They wondered why I shouted foreign words at a man holding roses. Then the man walked over and hugged me as I cried my heart out.

Yin Li wrapped his arms tightly around me.

”I need you.” As he said this, he squeezed me tighter.

That night, Yin Li came up to my apartment. I had lost control of my emotions, and he patiently comforted me.

It was a bit laughable. But I couldn't muster up a smile. This was a huge farce, like some kind of soap opera. The only person who needed me now, was the one who hurt me. I hated the person who hurt me, but I also needed him.

”Yan Xiao, regardless of who you are, you will grasp the entire world in your hand. I promise.” Before I fell asleep, I could faintly hear him promise this to me.

That night, it rained in Paris. The rain also continued unceasingly in my dreams.

The scenery was overcast like the gray color of pencil lead. A younger version of me, a child, carried a backpack as she walked down a long, long corridor. The wind rushed past, and here and there a drop of rain wet my face. The whole road forward, I tried to walk on my tiptoes. Attempting to use the point of my foot to stand, I made my way slowly. I straightened my shoulders, arched my back, and lifted up my chin. On my face was an expression of both endurance and pain. I wasn't wearing pointe shoes, but instead a pair of cloth shoes that had been washed so many times they'd lost all their color. They weren't a pair of shoes suitable to practice going en pointe.

But I could sense the restlessness of my toes. Many pairs of white cloth shoes just like those I wore flashed by in my mind. They all had a pair of holes at their tips from being walked in like this by me on my way home.

Then numerous, fragmented images flashed by, intermingled with Tchaikovsky's music, and with snippets of dancing scattered in between. I could even seem to remember the feeling of my taut muscles.

I could feel the strength of my dedication and attachment towards ballet.

I spent the whole night dreaming. When I woke up the next day, my head hurt a little. After looking around, I noticed that all the lilies had been swapped for roses.

Yin Li wasn't there, but I saw the note he left on the table.

”I went out to buy groceries to make porridge for you.”

When I opened my phone, there were many texts and missed calls from Li Jing, saying that today he'd helped me get in touch with several ballet critics. They had seen my ballet practice before, and he suggested that we go together in the afternoon to pay them a visit. In addition, there was a new art exhibition and new opera opening today. He'd already purchased VIP tickets.

I was suddenly a bit fed up with living this kind of life.

I hadn't even found myself yet. So being forced to act as ”me” made me somewhat irritated.

The complicated emotions that I felt for Yin Li, that I couldn't even fully understand myself, also made me feel helpless.

I sat there in a daze, and only after 10 minutes had pa.s.sed did I finally stand up. Then I started packing a few simple sets of clothes and my personal identification doc.u.ments.

I rushed directly to the airport and bought a ticket back to China.

More than hatred and revenge, the most important thing right now was me. I shouldn't spend my life under anybody's protection. I had my own path to walk.

Yin Li, Li Jing, Madame Taylor, Frank—not a single one of them should control my life.

The person I was five years ago has already vanished, as has the person I was five days ago. I am the me of this moment.