Part 4 (1/2)

He had helped the other inmates write their letters to the women. ”Reach out to your loved ones, 39 cents, a sign in the common room said. You got an envelope, paper, and a stamp. These guys would be working away with a little pencil like they give you for writing down call numbers at the public library. 'How do you spell p.u.s.s.y?' they'd ask. 'How do you spell b.r.e.a.s.t.s?' 'Does p.e.n.i.s have an i in it?' ”

”What was the pizza cutter for?” Nadine asked.

”For cutting pizza, sweet Nadine.” He gave her a puppy-dog smile.

”When I got out, I thought, okay, unlike a lot of my friends, I know what the inside of a prison is like. Most people don't even know what the outside of a prison is like. They're kept so out of sight. You only know signs on the highway warning you in certain areas not to pick up hitchers. While I know about confinement and boredom and midnight fire drills. Amplified orders banging around the prison yard like the evening prayer call from the mosques along Atlantic Avenue. I know pimento loaf. Powdered eggs. Riots. The experience of being hosed down with bleach and disinfectant like a garbage can. I know about an erotics of necessity.”

”Oh, baby,” the Duke of Earle said.

”There's something in that. You think you're one way-you know, strictly into women. But it turns out you're into making do.”

”I am going to melt,” the duke said, ”just puddle right in this booth. I had no idea-”

”I don't want to disappoint you, Duke,” the friend said, ”but I'd have to be in prison, and I don't plan on going back.”

His arm was around me. I was in the stream that had moved around me since I'd arrived. It had moved around me and not let me in and suddenly here I was, at this table, plunged into a world, everything moving swiftly but not pa.s.sing me by. I was with the current, part of it, regardless of whether I understood the codes, the shorthand, of the people around me. Not asking or needing to know kept me with them, moving at their pace.

”When you get released, they dump you in Queens Plaza at four a.m. Guys are darting in and out of the doughnut shop, wedded in some deep way to prison cafeteria code, drinking coffee, holding a doughnut in a greasy bag like they've got a bomb, strutting, but unsure who they're strutting for, now that there's no guard, no warden, no cellmate. They are just random dudes in Queens Plaza, wonderfully, horribly free. That same hour of the night women and children line up in midtown to get bused out to Rikers for visitors day. Buses letting out felons here, collecting visiting-day pa.s.sengers there, while most people are sleeping. The prisons must stay hidden geographically, and hidden in time, too.

”After I got out,” he said, ”I was incredibly happy. Freedom after confinement is different from plain freedom, which can sometimes be its own sort of prison. The problem was 'Green Onions.' Weeks turned to months and it hung around. That surging rhythm was always in my head and I mean always.”

He hummed it. ”It woke me up in the middle of the night, like someone had turned up the volume and there I was, lying in the dark listening to the tweedling 'Green Onions' organ riff, waiting for the guitar parts to cut in, stuck inside its driving rhythm, this groovy song boring out the ca.n.a.ls of my brain. It was so unfair, because I had paid my debt to society.”

”Green Onions” came on again, for I think the third time, and it felt to me that the whole room was conspiring in some kind of hoax. The friend hummed enthusiastically.

”If you had to hear it for ten whole years,” I said, laughing, figuring if I laughed openly, he would stop putting me on, ”how can you stand to listen to it now?”

”Because you have to know your enemies,” he said. ”How can you fight if you don't know what you're up against? Who are your enemies?”

I said I didn't know.

”See? Exactly.”

Later we danced. My arms were around his neck, his Marsden Hartley T-s.h.i.+rt clinging to his broad shoulders in the heat and sweat of the bar. I had not kissed him but knew I would, and he knew that I knew, and there was a kind of mutual joy in this slide into inevitability, never mind that I didn't know his name or if anything he said was true.

”You're pretty,” he said, brus.h.i.+ng my hair away from my face.

How did you find people in New York City? I hadn't known this would be how.

”They could put your face on cake boxes,” he said.

I smiled.

”Until you show that gap between your teeth. Jesus. It sort of ruins your cake-box appeal. But actually, it enhances a different sort of appeal.”

Some women wouldn't want a man to speak to them that way. They'd say, ”What kind of appeal do you mean?” Or, ”Go f.u.c.k yourself.” But I'm not those women, and when he said it, my heart surged a little.

The hotel, it turned out, was the Chelsea. I don't know whose room it was, maybe it was Nadine's, a room that Thurman got for her. There was the sense that Thurman helped her out when he felt like it and that perhaps she was out on the street when he didn't. We were drinking from a bottle of Cutty Sark and Nadine was not, it turned out, Thurman's wife. From a phone pulled into the hallway he spoke with his actual wife, Blossom, or maybe he just called her that, not at all tenderly, a nasal, ”Blossom, I will call you in the morning.” He enunciated each word like the sentence was a lesson the wife was meant to memorize and repeat. ”In the morning. I will call you tomorrow, after I've had my Sanka.” Which sent Nadine into hysterics. ”Sanka! After he's had his Sanka!”

After he got off the phone, Thurman seemed energized by a new wildness, as if the compromise of the phone call had to be undone with behavior that Blossom, wherever she was, might not approve of. He put on a Bo Diddley record with the volume turned all the way up, and when it began to skip he pulled it from the turntable and threw it out the window. He put on another record, a song that went ”There is something on your mind,” over and over, with this clumsy but s.e.xy saxophone hook. At the friend's suggestion, I danced with Thurman. He smelled like aftershave and cigarettes and hair tonic. There was something synthetic and unnatural about him, the way his hair formed a perfect wave and the crispness of his fitted suit, clothing that kept him who he was, a person of some kind of privilege, through whatever degraded environment or level of drunkenness.

There is something on your mind By the way you look at me The friend was dancing with Nadine. Her arms were slung around his neck, her strawberry hair over his shoulder. She pressed her hips against him, and he pressed back.

There is something on your mind, honey By the way you look at me Watching their bodies make contact, I wished we could trade partners.

”Well, look at that,” Thurman said. ”Take your eye off her for just a minute-”

I felt him fumble for something in his suit jacket. Nadine and their friend turned as a unit, slowly one way and then the other.

Before I understood what it was Thurman had retrieved from his coat pocket, something body-warm, heavy, he was aiming it at them, at the friend and Nadine, who danced to the slow rhythm of the song, pressed together and unaware.

I heard a click. He was pointing it at them. A deafening bang ripped through me.

The friend laughed and asked for the gun and Thurman tossed it in his direction. The friend opened it and took out the bullets and inspected them.

”Blanks,” he said, and gave it back to Thurman, who grabbed Nadine by the neck in mock violence and stroked the front of her dress up and down with the gun barrel. It seemed a stupid and ridiculous gesture but she took it seriously and even moaned a little like it turned her on.

I remembered my cousins Scott and Andy saying blanks could kill a person. Thurman put the gun in a cabinet and brought out a new bottle of Cutty Sark. He poured us fresh drinks and then played ”Will the Circle Be Unbroken” on the little electric piano that was in the room. The friend took me up to the roof of the building and narrated the New York skyline. ”It's up here on roofs where all the good stuff is taking place,” he said. ”Women walking up the sides of buildings, scaling vertical facades with block and tackle,” he said. ”They dress like cat burglars, feminist cat burglars. Who knows? You might become one, even though you're sweet and young. Because you're sweet and young.”

”What are you, some kind of reactionary?” I said.

”No,” he said. ”I'm giving you tips. But actually, the roofs are somewhat last year. Gordon Matta-Clark just cut an entire house in half. It's going to be tough to beat that. What now, Reno? What now?”

Back downstairs, Thurman barged into the bathroom while Nadine was peeing, for some reason not in the toilet but in the bathtub. He looked at her, sitting on the edge of the tub with her minidress hoisted up.

”You know what I love more than anything?” he said.

”What?” she asked with quiet reverence, as if the whole evening were a ritual enacted in order to arrive at this moment, when he would finally tell her what he really loved.

”I love crazy little girls.” He grabbed her and hoisted her over his shoulder, her underpants still around her ankles. Carried her into the bedroom and shut the door.

”You know what they do?” the friend said. ”They shoot each other with that gun. In the crotch. Bang. Pow. It makes your eardrums feel ripped in half the next day.”

”Isn't that dangerous?” I asked.

”Of course. That's why they do it.”

The gun went off. Nadine shrieked with laughter. The telephone in the room began ringing.

The friend and I sat quietly, either waiting for the next gunshot or for the phone to stop ringing, or for something else.