Part 19 (1/2)
”You couldn't possibly love a man like Ryker Triloni! Remember all Shara told you about him, about them. Remember how Ryker treated you. He would have killed you if things had gone differently when we met. You can't be in love with Ryker; you never got to know the real man. You lived with me, you loved me, you wanted me. I was the one with you all this time, not him.”
”But you were impersonating him, you were being him, not Varian. If you hadn't played him with perfection, you wouldn't have fooled everybody. The fact you have should prove I was, in all ways but one, with Ryker.”
She saw a look of panic cross his face that surprised her. ”You let everyone think I practically eloped with him, a near stranger. You made certain our marriage was revealed and is legal. When his death is exposed, do you think the grieving widow would run straight into your arms? Return with eagerness to the man who had treated me so badly? The man, by your own plot, I escaped. You fooled me, but I'm not a fool. If I came traipsing back to you after pretending to be happily wed and in love with Ryker, I would certainly look like one. I would appear a money-grubbing b.i.t.c.h, a liar, a cheat, a schemer.”
”It won't be like that, Jana.”
”Almost as soon as you free me, I race off, meet Ryker by sheer chance, enchant him, and marry him. Then, he's no sooner allegedly killed and buried when I leap back into the arms of my ex-captor, my ex-lover, my betrayer! I become your mistress. I do all of that and I won't appear anything but sweet and innocent Jana Greyson? Fat chance!”
”Not as my mistress, Moonbeam, as my wife.”
”That would be as bad and repulsive. And about Ca.s.s ... you spread the news you two are eagerly awaiting to be married. But as soon as your ex-lover is widowed, you dump her to get me back? How will that make you look in the eyes and hearts of your people? You can't ever reveal you impersonated Ryker, or this was all for naught. Without exposing the truth, you've entrapped us.”
Varian read Jana's anger and bitterness. He was almost glad the emotions had surfaced so he could deal with them and hopefully dispel them.
”Who's going to believe such garbage, Commander Saar? No one.”
”All we have to say is that you ran away from me because you didn't know I loved you. I was going to wed Ca.s.s to get over your loss. Lovers torn apart by cruel fate and reunited by generous G.o.ds ... Who could resist believing such a romantic tale?”
”Hog was.h.!.+ Bulls.h.i.+t! This is real life, you b.a.s.t.a.r.d, involving real people, intelligent people, not some fantasy. Besides, Maal would kill both of us if I dishonored Ryker's memory by getting involved with you again. Be realistic, you s.p.a.ce pirate, no one will fall for such a story.”
”I admit we'll have to be persuasive and careful for a while, but-”
”But nothing, Saar. No deal, no more chances. You've had your last one with me and you blew it. You enjoyed your little pretense and were proud of yourself for being so good at it.”
”I enjoyed being with you, Moonbeam, but not fooling you.”
”You liar! Is that why you slept with me as him?”
”I couldn't help myself. I loved you and needed you. I missed you.”
”What you needed and missed was s.e.x, and that's all you got from me.”
”You made love to me, woman; it wasn't just physical s.e.x.”
”I did not make love to you; I was responding to Ryker.”
”To me, Jana Greyson, to me! In your heart, you never doubted it was me. You always wanted it to be me. You pretended it was me.”
That was true, but she taunted, ”Are you positive?”
”Don't do this to us, Jana. We've both suffered too much for my missions and mistakes. Let's make peace and be happy.”
”Just like that,” she scoffed as she snapped her fingers. ”Forgive and forget? Just pretend this so-called misunderstanding and betrayal never happened? It isn't that easy or simple.”
”It can be, my love, if you let it. I love you. I need you. I'm sorry. I want to marry you. Doesn't any of that matter to you?”
”No, and you have a strange way of showing your feelings. On Earth, we say: 'Practice what you preach.' You certainly don't.”
He lifted his unballed hands and, with palms upward, shook them, an alien sign of being open and honest. But it was as a gesture of frustration tonight because he knew he wasn't getting through to her. ”I've made mistakes; I've admitted that. Are my words not translating into your language correctly to get my meaning across to you? Perdition, woman, I said I was sorry, but I had no choice.”
Jana saw how upset he was, but she didn't let it affect her. ”I have no choice, either, Varian; I can never trust you again. Without trust, it's over. When we get out of this mess, if we do, we go our separate ways.”
He narrowed his gaze in denial. ”No, Jana, I won't let you get away from me. I can't lose you.”
”You already have. Are you listening to me and understanding my feelings? Is your aural translator malfunctioning? It's over.”
”I don't believe it; I won't believe it. True love doesn't end.”
”True love, that's the key word, Varian; you've never been true to me and I doubt you have the capability to do so with me or any woman. Whether or not you choose to believe it's over, that's up to you. But if you doubt it, you'll be fooling yourself this time.”
”I'm not fooling myself, and I'm not lying to you. You lit a fire in me that can't be extinguished.”
”Without the right fuel, all fires die. Or didn't you learn that scientific fact when you trained to impersonate Ryker?”
He frowned. ”Is it so hard to understand what I had to do?”
”Understanding the situation isn't the problem. How you handled it and why you handled it that way is; that's what stands between us and will always stand between us and keep us apart.”
”You know why I did it, Jana, to save lives and two worlds, to prevent intergalactic war. Aren't those things important, too, as important as we are? What else could I have done?”
”You could have trusted me and loved me enough to let me help.”
”Without endangering everything I was trying to accomplish? I told you I couldn't risk using Rendelar to protect our secrets.”
”You found ways to do everything else the mission required. You and your team of experts are so good at things like this that you could have found a way if you had tried hard enough. You didn't because you wanted to take the quick and easy way out, which included using and betraying me.”
Provoked by panic, he shouted, ”Easy way? You think it has been easy to dupe you? Stars above, woman, it's the hardest and most painful thing I've ever done! I hated every minute I had to keep you in the Shadows. You don't know how many times I panicked over losing you and started to reveal the truth, even if it wound up costing me everything I had worked for.”
”But you didn't ever reach that point, Varian. You saw the damage and suffering you were causing me ... us. Yet, it didn't matter enough to call a halt. I didn't matter enough for you to risk all to keep me. The d.a.m.n mission was your priority.”
He gritted out between clenched teeth, ”The d.a.m.n mission saved millions of lives and many worlds, Jana, including yours.”
”For that part of your deception, I'm grateful.”
Varian stared at her as he tried to calm himself and regain self-control. ”You don't want to understand or forgive.”
”Dr. Jana Greyson Triloni doesn't have to be either one.”
His heart ached as he witnessed the full extent of what his ruse had caused. ”I can't believe you could think and feel this way about something so important. You want to hurt me and punish me. You want revenge. You want me knocked to my knees. You want me humiliated. You want to do to me all the things you think I've done to you. You're wrong, Jana, and it isn't necessary. I am ashamed. I have been punished. You had revenge every time you called me Ryker and it seemed as if you were being drawn to him. It pierced my heart and soul to think I could lose you. I am on my knees, Moonbeam, and I am begging you to forgive me.”
Jana broke the bond of their gazes. Hers darted about aimlessly as she thought about his words. She looked at him again. ”I can't help what I feel and think, and you're responsible for those emotions and doubts. I don't want revenge, Varian. I don't want to humiliate you. I don't even want to hurt you or see you grovel. What I do want is for you to leave me alone and let me find peace and happiness. If I have to force you to honor my wishes, I will. This time, I have the freedom and rank to prevent you from using me again; I'll use them if you make it necessary. I suggest we concentrate our energy and wits on getting out of Pyropea alive and unharmed, then we'll go our separate ways.”
Varian watched the effect of his confession on her. He realized the shock of his revelation and her anguish were too fresh and deep to make a difference on her tonight. He concluded it was going to take time, work, patience, and love to win her back. Somehow he must find a way out of this trap, with Jana at his side. ”Let's eat and talk again in the morning. We're both exhausted.”
”I'll eat, but my appet.i.te is gone.” As she forced down the food in the tins and clear bags that he had pa.s.sed to her, she stared at the ground. All along she had been with Varian and she had never given herself to Ryker. Everything she had said and done while believing he was Ryker flooded her mind like one tremendous gush of drowning liquid. She reflected on how she had behaved with ”Ryker” when they visited the avatars, Maal, Tirol, Draco, Brec, and on the Wanderl.u.s.t with the new crew. She thought of her ridiculous confrontation with Martella when she feared for ”Ryker's” life.