Part 18 (2/2)

Must be. Must be, because it makes no sense to keep running. Makes no G.o.dd.a.m.n sense unless you plan to go through this again, run again to hear about yet another door they've banged their heads against looking for you and your kid. Keep running and they'll grab her in mid-stride when you're least expecting.

You've broken the surface, now get back to sh.o.r.e. Go and get your feet planted; you need roots; you need roots so deep, they can yank till their teeth ache.

Your daughter's kid-plump mouth takes air in and out. Her baby skin looks like a word could pierce it. If you don't give her this, if you don't give you this, what good's it all, anyway?

Sit up. Breathe. Breathe deep and feel your lungs explode, feel the sun make your cheeks rise like dough. Swim for it.

You get dressed and Grace lifts her head, mumbling at you. Go back to sleep, angel, I'm just going to the store to get us some juice.

She looks to the furniture piled against the door and at the ceiling, asks the time, rolls over, rolls back, asks, Can I 'ave orange juice? and, um ... But she can't think through the haze.

I'll get us something. I'll be right back, and you start taking down the barricade.

The next thing you know, you are in front of a pay phone, the dime has dropped and someone groggy picks up on the second ring.

Hi. It's Eilleen Hoffman. OK. I've given this some thought and were going home. Grace stays with me, that's the deal. You're not taking her back there. You can send social workers every day if you want, to monitor the situation, I don't care, but she stays with me. If anything happens, if you try to take her, we'll just run and you'll never hear from us again. So. There. That's my offer.

There's a sleep breath on the other end. A tongue cluck. Todd Baker says, OK, Eilleen.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS.

I would like to express my eternal grat.i.tude to the wonderful women who, as both friends and editors, believed in me from the start, encouraged me, pushed me along, and without whom I would have been lost. In order of their appearance: Susan Musgrave (for your philanthropy and jolt of courage), Rhea Tregebov (for your endless generosity and continued status as Deadeye Tregebov), Maya Mavjee (for helping me cut to the chase), Sarah Davies (for your provocation and nurturing hand) and Anne Collins (for taking a chance).

To Irene Livingston and Lenore Wildeman for your inspiration, love and experience, I thank you. To Ken Kirzinger for your all-encompa.s.sing love and your generous heart.

Thanks also to Melinda Menkley at the Ministry of Social Services, the staff at the Addiction Research Foundation in Toronto, the staff at the Metropolitan Toronto Reference Library and the Vancouver Public Library, David Franco for touring me through Vancouver General Hospital, the congregation at the Tsawwa.s.sen Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses, and the members of various Alcoholics Anonymous centres who graciously shared their knowledge, literature and memories with me.

For their support, I am grateful and indebted to the Banff Centre for the Arts, the UCROSS Foundation, the Money for Women/Barbara Deming Memorial Fund, and the Canada Council for the Arts for both the now-defunct Explorations Program and the Grants to Professional Writers Program. And, finally, thanks to the Writers Union of Canada for its Mentors.h.i.+p Program and commitment to fostering novice writers. Were it not for the Union I would not have had the privilege of working with my mentor, Sandra Birdsell, who not only gave me encouraging critique, but took the time to teach me about the business of being a writer.

VINTAGE CANADA EDITION, 2000.

Copyright 1999 by Billie Livingston All rights reserved under International and Pan American copyright conventions. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief pa.s.sages in a review.

Published in Canada by Vintage Canada, a division of Random House of Canada Limited. First published in Canada by Random House Canada, Toronto, in 1999. Distributed by Random House of Canada Limited, Toronto.

Vintage Canada and colophon are trademarks of Random House of Canada Limited.

Portions of this novel first appeared in the following periodicals: sub-Terrain, Grain, Imago (Australia), TickleAce, The Capilano Review and The Malahat Review.

Canadian Cataloguing in Publication Data.

Livingston, Billie, 1965.

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