Part 18 (1/2)

She shrugs and turns to mess with her pack. I let my eyes travel up and down the length of the super s.e.xy girl waiting to go hiking with me. She's my girlfriend after all. Shouldn't I stare? Shouldn't I shower her with attention...compliments...whatever I want? ”Dude. After today, you're so far on the dark side you'll never get back,” I mutter, openly admiring her delicate profile.

My head starts pounding. With both windows closed and the sun heating my dashboard, the scent of cinnamon coming from her seat crashes all around me.

Legs. Unbelievable legs.

I lose control all over again and groan, resting my head on the steering wheel. I close my eyes so I can't see her anymore, but that makes it worse. Now all I can see are her lips in my mind.

”c.r.a.p!”

I might never be able to leave this car.

Chapter Twenty.

Jess ...

You're a very lucky girl. Lucky. Lucky girl.

Let's go. Dude. Nothing happened. Let's go.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry...Jess...

”Jess! Jess. Wake up. Jess! I am so telling Mom. You were screaming.”

I can't-I can't-I can't-breathe in. I can't breathe out. My face feels like wet wood, my body is concrete and my eyes won't focus.

The images and voices are cutting into me from all directions. Tears. Sweat. Shuddering panic.

”Oh my G.o.d. Jess! Please, say something.” Kika's voice shatters into my head, releasing me from the nightmare. Releasing my lungs.

”No! I'm okay,” I gasp and fight to control my breathing. I need to act as though I'm okay, but I'm disoriented by the sunlight streaming across my face.

It's not dark. What's happening?

I find my clock. 4:35. My eyes burn as I search the room.

Where's my lamp?! I need the lamp.

The jellyfish lamp is turned off! It's too bright in my room. I must have fallen asleep at my desk.

During the day. During the day. There should be no nightmare.

I gasp and gasp again, fighting tears and a new level of panic. I've never, ever had the nightmare during the day. The room s.h.i.+fts, darkens at the edges of my vision and I catch myself from falling out of my chair by landing an iron grip on Kika's arm.

”Oh G.o.d...I'm getting Mom. You aren't good.”

”Please. Wait with me, wait.” I cling to her, hoping my grip will be enough to keep her here while I click on the lamp so I can decipher the level of aftershocks about to hit me. Thankfully, the three bobbing jellyfish are only half out of focus. I can see their tentacles pretty well. This realization calms me more than anything.

Silently, I start to count and let go of my sister so I can stand.

My legs are aching, already beginning to shake uncontrollably. I make it to my bed and clamber under the covers, working to breathe and count silently as I force the voices and the images from the dream away. After a few moments I'm able to refocus and see that Kika hasn't moved. She'd been standing there, crying-crying for me-and I hadn't even heard her.

”Don't you cry. That's what I do,” I croak. Her expression makes my own tears launch and flow. I don't have the energy to stop them.

”You. Oh Jess, you screamed so loud. You sounded so...awful.” Kika gulps and moves to the foot of my bed.

”I'm okay. I am. Come here, sis. I swear, it's over and I'm okay.”

Kika uncrosses her arms to climb in the bed. She wraps her arms around my trembling shoulders, and I lay my head against her shoulder, breathing her warmth in. ”Please let me say something to Mom and Dad. I heard you the other night...and you sounded the same. It's too much for you to handle alone.”

”I'm not alone. You're here. I'm so glad you woke me up.” I hug her tighter.

”You've never screamed like that-not before.”

”I don't know. Maybe because the dream seems to be changing. Everything is different. New. For the first time, I think I saw faces. And I heard the voices. Voices that weren't my own.” I shudder. ”Maybe I'm finally remembering. The voices were as clear as day. Dad kept saying: She's going to be fine, nothing happened. Nothing really happened. Right? She's going to be fine, right? He was talking to Mom like a broken record while I was in that hospital bed.”

”What else? I want to know.” Kika pulls the covers higher.

”Mom. Crying. I heard that the other night for the first time. It was terrible. Mom sounded like a broken record: Jess. Our Jess. She was almost raped. Almost raped. Almost raped. And then more crying. I think Dad cried too.”

”Dad? Holy.” Kika's eyes fill with tears again and my heart clenches.

Our dad doesn't cry.

”The worst was everyone saying: nothing happened, nothing really happened combined with all the old stuff.”

”The old stuff?”

”Yeah. Like how the police officer said I was so lucky and that I'd be fine. He's always there...saying that. The voices were all so real-like I could tell them apart. One in my ear kept repeating my name, and then he said: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I finally met Kika's gaze. My terror is reflected back in her eyes.

I hate that look and I hate myself for not being able to erase it.

”All of that's new?” Kika asks.

”Except for the voice in my ear. That's always been there. Even three years ago when you all thought I was permanently whacked. Right in my ear like that. Endlessly apologizing. Dr. Brodie suggested that maybe it's actually me. My subconscious. Like I'm talking to myself. Apologizing for my drinking and lying. All the stuff I still feel guilty about and for totally s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g everything up for our family. I think he's wrong. Even that voice had changed. It was someone else. Whispering. I don't know.”

I moan and put my hands over my ears as tightly as possible, pulling my legs up until I'm curled into a ball.

How I wish I could just push it all out of my head and forget. ”I have no idea what's real.” I'm crying again. ”I'm such a disaster of a sister. I'm sorry if I scared you.”

”Jess. I'm the one who's sorry-sorry you go through that night after night.”