Part 11 (1/2)

I moved along the beach and hid behind rocks and trees when I had to. I didn't have much in the way of weapons. Just my Swiss army knife. I guess I could cover their mouths, one at time, and slit their throats. With my luck, they would hear me, and the only thing getting cut would be my neck.

The boats were a ways from the camp. I went to them and looked around but didn't really find anything interesting. Some dried fish in a wrapper. I ate that s.h.i.+t like it was a f.u.c.king four-course French meal at Chez Souffle. They had a bunch of spears and things that I suspected were torches.

They had runners strapped to the sides of the boats. Big things that hung over the side and probably kept the boat from tipping over. I started to cut through one when I got an idea. I didn't stop cutting, though. That would be part of the fun.

Three boats were all they needed for their army. I took my time at each one, sawing while constantly looking over my shoulder.

Come and kill my girl, will you?

I wanted to be brave, but I expected them to wake up at any moment and chop off my head and shrink it for their witch doctor. These guys always have witch doctors, right?

Once I had the runners loose, I crept into the camp and stole a piece of wood that was sticking out of the fire. The men, there were eight or nine of them in all, snored like it was going out of style. One guy was so big I was afraid the island would s.h.i.+ft if he bolted to his feet.

I was just stepping away from the huddled bodies when one of them farted and rolled over. I froze and closed my eyes. I figured that if they couldn't see my white eyeb.a.l.l.s, they wouldn't see me at all. Maybe they would think I was just a dream.

In the movies, this is the part where the guy wakes up, sees the other guy sneaking into their camp, calls the alarm, and the creeper has to beat the h.e.l.l out of them all.

The only thing that was going to get beat was my a.s.s.

But luck was on my side-for once. I haven't had a lot of that in the last few weeks. I guess I was due.

He started snoring again-this linebacker dressed in shorts and a rumpled Hawaiian s.h.i.+rt.

I was out of the camp in no time, running to the boats. I uncovered a few of their torches and laid them along the waterside, where they wouldn't see them. It was just a matter of some blowing while holding the smoldering stick to the side of one.

It was a slow flame at first, but it caught on soon enough. Then the fire was licking up the side of the little craft.

I proceeded to torch the other vessels. I was quite a ways down the beach when I heard the first cries. As soon as they tried to move one, they would be in for a shock.

It was time to GO!

I headed for the water first. I took a dip while the sky lit up near the beach. I'm sure they would be able to drag the boats into the water to put out the flames, but with no floaty things on the ends, they were unlikely to be able to follow me.

I dove into the water and pushed the rocks off her. Her eyes were almost pretty in the water. The one that is still blue. The socket I had covered had a little fish living in it, and that just about scared me to death. There was hardly any light to begin with, but with her O of a mouth and fluttering nonexistent eye, I was thankful to be in the water, considering I almost s.h.i.+t my pants.

I dragged her to the sh.o.r.e and tried to pick her up. Stupid clothes were heavy, so I stripped them off. I hauled her over my shoulder and then took off for my camp. Water leaked out of her mouth and across my back the whole way. She even burped a few times.

”We are going on a trip. You say I never take you to nice places. Well, guess again, baby.”

Gurgle gurgle.

”That's right, another tropical paradise where you will hopefully become a star.”

I dumped her in a heap. They had made a mess, going through my stuff. I gathered as much as I could and tossed items into bags and cases. Christ! They would be here any minute!

I found my turtle hat and threw it on the raft just in case I wanted to protect my head from the heat or had to fight another giant zombie. Hah, like that will happen. The little cooler was hanging by a rope, floating a foot from the raft. I grabbed the dress she was wearing yesterday and brought it along. I had been planning to use it to help fix the raft if I had to tie some logs together. Now I had another idea.

I put it on her and led her back to the raft as fast as I could. I tossed her to the floor of my vessel and pushed off. The raft didn't move at first, so I stood back and kicked it.

Noises behind me. Were they on their way to spear me and steal my raft?

She stared at the water like she had never seen anything wet before. She hooted and snarled at the moon, head tipping back to take in the full circle of white light.

I kicked again, and this time, the raft slid along the logs and into the water. I smiled at my ingenuity and waded along as I pushed it. The surf was barely moving, so it was just a matter of walking it as far as I could and then kicking my legs and pus.h.i.+ng away from the beach.

I climbed on board and rowed while pus.h.i.+ng her down. The raft was barely large enough for me, let alone her and her stink.

She sat down the next time I pushed her and stared at me in all her naked glory. Before she fell, I got a look at her backside. Her a.s.s has shrunken so that it looks like the b.u.t.t of a seventy-year-old woman. Her legs, which were once long and flawless, look like blue cheese.

Her b.r.e.a.s.t.s, which I couldn't take my eyes off just a month ago, are these things that look like really big raisins with nipples. The implants are so plain now that I can't believe I used to think she was real up there. Good thing she is a nightmare to look at. I was able to concentrate on getting the h.e.l.l out of here.

I put the big dress on her and then tied it around her legs nice and tight. Had to lay her down for that, then I had to fight her to keep her from attacking me.

My hands were shaking. At any moment, I expected the islanders to burst though the jungle, howling for blood.

I had to set her down, but she didn't fight back much. She just stared at the shape of her husband in the trees and hooted every once in a while. I considered making a gag to shut her the h.e.l.l up.

I secured her legs together with the dress pulled all the way down to her ankles, then I took the metal piece off her leg and tossed it toward the hollowed tail section. Say h.e.l.lo to my new anchor.

The end of her leg was rotted and smelled terrible. Pus and c.r.a.p dripped from between the exposed bone and where I thought I had burned it closed, some of the skin had been pulled back, so that critters had been able to gnaw away at the end. I wrapped it in a piece of cloth. I didn't want to see any barnacles growing on her like her husband, Barnacle Douche-Waffle. G.o.d, that guy was a jerk.

I took a pair of thick dry logs I had brought along just for the h.e.l.l of it. We floated away from the island at a snail's pace so I rowed every few minutes to get a little momentum.

I had to push her down again. She snarled at me when her head hit a log.

”Sheesh, I'm trying to help you here.” I blew up the enema bag, screwed on the end and tied it tight so it wouldn't leak. I set that in front of her and grabbed the s.h.i.+rts. The logs were first. I used one s.h.i.+rt to secure one log under each arm. The inflated enema bag was next. I used the other s.h.i.+rt to tie it under her chin. I figured it would keep her head from dipping in the water and make her float better.

I tugged her off the raft and pushed her into the water. Just as I had hoped, she floated like a weird zombie top. Or like one of those bobbers you put on a string before you drop it in the water to let you know when a fish nibbles at it.

I crawled up on the raft and picked up my oar. I rowed away, only pausing once to give the island the bird with both hands. Stupid island. I hope I never see you again. Stupid island visitors. I hope you guys can get home someday.

She snarled at me from the water where she was dragged along behind. Water kept splas.h.i.+ng up into her face, but she didn't care.

I sat on the top of the tail section and rowed twice on one side, then twice on the other. Still, the current carried us away. I tried to fight it, but it was a losing battle. The raft was dragged along the side of the island instead of away from it, but soon enough, my old home was falling into the distance.

I stared out at the ocean, at the beautiful blue water as we were carried farther and farther away. I felt a sense of relief, a sense that I would soon be picked up or land on a civilized island. I know there are islands everywhere out here, because I saw them on the maps, and they weren't that far apart.

After a few hours, the sun started to set and I lost track of the island. I was going to have to trust to the current. I looked in every direction, but there was no sign of land yet. I looked back at the island, or where I thought the island had been, but there was no sign of it. All I saw was beautiful blue water.

Water water everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I couldn't even tell in what direction I was floating. That's when I realized I may have made a mistake. I was stuck on the open ocean with a few days' food, a little bit of water and an undead zombie chick.

d.a.m.n it! I have to hang my a.s.s over the side of the raft and take a dump. Hope that stuff doesn't float into her.

Day 3?.

My Girlfriend Ain't no Juliet.

I'm writing while sitting in the hatch of the raft.