Book 1 Appendix: Research (1/2)
”We can start now,” my assistant told me in front of my computer after she limbered up her fingers.
”All right,” I answered her with a small nod and I took a deep breath to collect my thoughts. It was the 11th of October, and I was having Judy over at my place for our customary weekly research discussion. My dear assistant was the better typist, so during these times she always ousted me out from my throne in front of the keyboard to speed things up. It still annoyed me that she acted like she owned the place, but then again, she was really helpful. The only thing I never allowed her was to take my beloved 'I tea mug, but then she proceeded to bring her own 'I mug instead. Subtle as always.
Anyways, once I felt suitably collected, I spoke up with a contemplative voice.
”All right, let's start with article #4.”
”Your sleeping habits?”
”Yeah, among other things,” I told her while she scrolled through my research folder and opened up a text file. Once she did so, I began, ”First and foremost, I believe we can safely conclude that I do not require any sleep. It's been more than a month at this point.”
”Still no negative effects?”
”None at all.”
”Noted,” she told me with a few keystrokes, then she glanced up at me while taking a quick sip from the aforementioned mug. ”I suppose your experiment didn't show any results either”
”Nah,” I shook my head as I began slowly pacing up and down in the room. ”I tried over-exerting myself before I went to bed, but I only get tired, not sleepy. I tried some light sedatives as well, but the result was the same.”
”I see,” Judy nodded and then returned to the keyboard. ”Have you done any other tests since the last time we updated this article?”
”Let me see,” I pondered for a moment. ”Ah, right. Remember that marathon we had to run during PE on Thursday?”
”The one Joshua was complaining about all day Friday?”
”One and the same,” I told her with a smirk. ”I also had sore muscles yesterday, but by this morning it was gone. So, I got curious if I had some kind of a healing factor.” Saying so, I showed her the band-aid on my left ring finger. ”I made a small cut on my finger this morning, but it doesn't seem to heal super fast or anything.”
My assistant gave me a flat look.
”You didn't let me do it, but then you cut yourself?”
”It was for science,” I protested.
”I wanted to do it for science too,” She told me with a face that was still deadpan, but due to my extensive experience, I could tell that she was definitely pouting.
”Look, I just did a tiny little cut to test a hypothesis based on a strong inference. You wanted to stab your finger because of a joke.”
”It could be true though,” She said with the same expression, and for a moment I couldn't decide whether she was serious or not.
”What could be? That you are a robot?” I asked with all the incredulity I could manage.
”Not impossible,” She answered with an earnest nod. ”We never did a CT scan.”
”Give me a break,” I groaned while massaging my temple. ”I told you, we can't just walk into a hospital and demand to get a CT scan done!”
”Then we cannot exclude the possibility,” She stressed, then after a second of pause, she added, ”We have dragon people and succubi already. It is not out of the question.”
I gave her a long, hard look, then I let out a tired sigh and decided to breach a subject that has been bothering me for a while.
”Okay, I bite. Why are you so focused on the whole robot thing?”
”I'm not.”
”Yes you are,” I told her with a firm voice, then I breathed in and softened my tone a bit. ”I have a guess, but I would like to hear it from your mouth, just in case I'm overthinking it.”
Judy looked me in the eye for a few long seconds before she abruptly averted her gaze and finally answered.
”Chief, I will be honest with you,” She paused, during which I didn't hold my breath or anything, then she said, ”I am normal.”
The answer took me so aback that I could only nod in response.
”Yes, you are. So?”
My assistant completely turned the swivel chair around to face me before she answered.
”Chief, everyone in our group has something special about them. Powers, status, tropes. I'm the only one who is normal.”
”Don't tell me you feel inferior,” I spoke with a frown, and to my sincerest relief, she shook her head.
”No, but… I do feel a little insecure. If I am not important, then I am—”
”Hold it right there!” I told her with a raised hand. ”Who told you that you aren't important? You are! Also, it is perfectly fine to be normal. Normal is underrated.”
”How so?”
”Well…” I wracked my brain for a few moments to come up with something, but as usual, my mouth was ahead of me as I reflexively told her, ”If you weren't normal, I would have never asked you to become my assistant on the first week, and if I never did that, we wouldn't be here right now. So you see Dormouse, without you being normal, I would have completely missed my one and only assistant in this weird, weird little world of ours. In other words, you being normal is the best thing ever happened to me.”
After I finished, we sat in silence while we looked each other in the eye. Speaking of which, my assistant's gaze seemed to be somewhat passionate.
”So?” She finally asked with an expectant voice.
”So what?” I asked back innocently.
Judy's glance immediately froze over.
”This is the moment you are supposed to say something significant,” She told me with an expectant voice.
”I have absolutely no idea what you could mean,” I told her while averting my eyes and playing the fool.
At last, she sharply exhaled through her nose and then the swivel chair turned around with a soft squeak to let her face the monitor. She opened up a browser window in front of my eyes and began typing something.
”What are you doing?”
”Beep-boop,” She answered with a deadpan voice. ”You never realized I was a robot, so you never updated my antivirus software. I just got hacked by Russian hackers and now I will have to send all your personal data over to them.”
”… That's not a funny joke.”
”Beep-beep. I cannot hear you. Judy-bot's audio-receptors have been shut down in response to the dangerous levels of unable-to-read-the-mood radiation in the room.”
”I told you that… Hey, why are you actually writing in my social security number in the— Why do you even know that?! Hey, stop!”
”You are lucky I know I'm still ahead.”
It was with this mysterious sentence that my assistant finally stopped trying to actually mail my personal data and all my passwords to some random Russian site. After some further soothing, which may or may not have included a promise to take her out for dinner to a restaurant one of these days, Judy finally stopped pouting and we returned to the research notes.
”So, where were we?” I asked, in no way weary or annoyed by this intermezzo.
”We were discussing your healing factor,” Judy told me without looking over from the screen. ”What was the conclusion on that?”
”Actually…” While saying so, I peeled off the band-aid from my finger and took a closer look. ”Well, the wound doesn't hurt, but it's still there. Maybe it's a little smaller?”
”Do you have any before-after images?”
”Um…” I paused as the obviousness of the question hit me. ”I should've made some, shouldn't I?”
”I gather you didn't.” Judy let out a disappointed sigh while still refusing to look at me and said, ”Don't forget it next time.”
”I didn't plan on a next time, but we'll see. If I get wounded in the future, I will make sure to document it with pictures.”
”Good,” My assistant stated, somehow managing to write two whole sentences while saying a single word, then she finally looked at me and asked, ”Anything else?”
I contemplated for a long moment before I nodded.
”Yeah, I'd like to add to the hypothesis regarding my insomnia. What does it say now?”
”The last hypothesis was that it's either a result of you being a bug—”
”A glitch in the system,” I corrected her, but she only shrugged.
”Bug is shorter. Either that, or because you broke something when you hit your head on the roof on the first day.”
”Right. I want to throw in the possibility of supernatural influence.”
”Such as?”
”Maybe I am also supernatural?”
Judy gave me a look that said I just said something stupid.
”Chief, that's blindingly obvious at this point.”
”That's not what I meant,” I dismissed her. ”What I am getting at is that, while we went through my abilities, and they don't match any of the supernatural beings we know, that doesn't mean I cannot be something else equally supernatural. For example, I might be a vampire.”
”Vampires are an Abyssal subrace.”
I blinked hard at her words and could only utter and uncertain ”Really?”
”Yes. It's in report 01-09-03.”
”Huh. I thought I read all your reports on the Dracis Library, but I might have skipped that one, as I don't remember any mention of undead blood-suckers.”
”They aren't. They are some kind of shadow creatures that possess people's bodies. They serve only the Lords, like the Faun, and they seem to specialize in assassinations.”
”Then why are they called vampires?”
”They are hurt by sunlight.”
I could only muster a grimace at her reply.
”Really? That's all it takes?”
Judy shrugged her shoulders with an unenthusiastic 'I guess so,' and I followed her example, accompanied by a sigh.
”That disappointment aside, we cannot exclude the chance that my insomnia is the natural result of some supernatural heritage. So, how can we do that?”
We both fell silent for a few seconds; thinking.
”Why don't you ask an expert?” Judy inquired.
”Who do you have in mind?”