Extra Chapter: You know what day this is, dont you? (1/2)
This Tuesday had one of the most pleasant mornings I have ever experienced. I got out of my bed after a good night's rest and I... Wait, that sounded strange.
”Oh well, I must still be half asleep!” I concluded with a broad smile as I put on my clothes and walked down the stairs with a spring in my steps.
It was a beautiful morning in the neighborhood. In fact, one could even say it was a beautiful day for a neighbor. A neighborly day even! That made me wonder; who were my good neighbors? Would you be mine? Could you be m—?
”Leo! Emergency!”
My musical train of thought was rudely interrupted when Joshua literally kicked my front door open, startling both me and my sister in the process, the latter of whom nearly dropped her platter of freshly baked pancakes in a fright.
”Good morning, Josh,” I greeted my frantic friend with only the mildest hint of exasperation. ”What's the problem?”
”I cracked the code, but I can't explain the details yet,” he answered in a hurry as he leapt from one corner of the room to the next, checking behind the cabinets and even under the carpet. ”Good, your house seems to be clean, but we can never be too cautious. Here, take this!”
”Is... that tin foil?” I blurted out in surprise, but my friend immediately shook his head while once again presenting me with the oddly shaped metallic bowl in his hand.
”Don't be silly! It's aluminium foil!”
”Isn't that the same thing?” I muttered, getting more confused by the second, but instead of answering me, Josh simply put the cap onto the top of my head.
”It's actually pronounced aluminum, and no, it's not the same,” Angie explained and... wait.
”Since when were you here?!”
”She was always here; you just couldn't see her until you were deprogrammed!” Josh declared with a proud grin, and then he casually turned to my left and put another tinfoil, pardon, aluminium foil hat onto my sister's noggin.
”Now you can see clearer, but if you want to know the whole truth THEY want to hide from you, you have to avoid fluoridated water, chemtrails, Wi-Fi, vaccines, and most importantly, you have to buy very powerful crystals to restore your frequencies to the right vibratory levels,” Angie pretended to explain things while vomiting a full platter's worth of word-salad at me, and... Hold on, this whole situation felt kind of familiar. Not in the details, but more like, there seemed to be some kind of nagging feeling that tried to remind me of the date. However, before I could figure out the source of the feeling, my contemplation was interrupted by a commercial jingle and my draconic girlfriend appearing from my blind-spot.
”Lucky for you, I can help you with that problem! For the low-low price of 49.99 Jens instead of 169.99 (plus shipping), I can provide you with our special Dracis brand of crystal starter kit, which is guaranteed to re-align your chakras to the frequencies of the cosmos!”
”... Princess. Just what exactly are you doing?” I asked, my mind slowly growing more and more aware of the exact nature of the situation.
”Business!” my girlfriend declared, but before I could ask her to elaborate, Josh grabbed the reins of the conversation and forcefully yanked it into yet another perplexing direction.
”You can fix your chakras later! First, I must tell you the truth, the whole truth, and only the truth before the THEY could sink their nefarious claws into you!”
”The who?” I asked back, more or less on autopilot, my brain still dedicating most of its processing power to figuring out why I was getting this peculiar feeling of deja vu. It actually didn't take that long, and all of the sudden things snapped into focus and I growled a low, ”Son of a bitch, it's that day again.”
My friend didn't seem to register the last part, so instead he happily began his explanation of the initial question.
”It's not the who, it's the THEY! THEY are a shadowy cabal of powerful beings who secretly govern the world from the shadows, while the masses are none the wiser! A shadowy shadow government, if you will!”
”Oh god dammit. It's happening again...” I continued to groan while holding my head in my palm.
”I understand that the truth is hard to believe, but it is truly the truth!” Josh exclaimed, completely undaunted by my obvious stupidity-induced aneurism.
”... You know what? Fine! I'll play along,” I decided with a growl as I reached over and crumpled the tinfoil cap still sitting on the top of my head. ”I'm listening. Who are this 'THEY' you speak of? The reptoids? The freemasons? Or maybe the classic Illuminati?”
”I see that you are at least familiar with the broad strokes of the shadow organizations,” Ammy remarked with a content nod, and I didn't even bother to ask just where the heck she appeared from. On the other hand, I was momentarily tempted to inquire about the whiteboard that she had behind her, but honestly, what was the point?
”I bet the premise is that all of those are real, right?” I guesstimated, and since she only tweaked her glasses instead of giving a straight answer, I decided that I might as well just get whatever amusement out of the situation while it lasted and gestured towards her in the company of the world, ”Please, proceed to blow my mind.”
”Certainly!” Josh cut in, and he and his entourage began to hastily fill the whiteboard. Incidentally, Elly was still in the middle of trying to sell some crystals to my sister, and I decided to leave them alone. At least they looked like they were having fun.
”Sorry for the wait!” Angie abruptly declared before dramatically putting her marker down, and she was followed up by the class rep taking out one of those telescopic presentation pointers with a red tip and she lightly tapped it against the board.
”As you must already be aware, we are the Illuminati,” she declared while pointing at the word 'mages' and then the pyramid with the eye on the other end of the whiteboard. ”The reptoids are nothing but a deliberately fake narrative planted by the Draconians to hide their true identities.”
”You have forgotten because of your amnesia, but The Knightly Brotherhood of the Most Heroic Bloodlines you belonged to is in truth but one of the many arms of the Knights Templar!” Josh declared so authoritatively you would have been forgiven for momentarily thinking that what he was talking about actually made sense. ”The Templars have been running the financial world for centuries, and the Brotherhood was created by them in order to wage war on the Draconians because they both want to control the world through finances!”
”As for the Freemasons,” Ammy picked up the thread while tapping her pointed against the board again, ”They are but one of the secret cabals employed by the Celestials to secretly steer human culture!”
”Yeah, we are sneaky like that!” Angie agreed with a toothy grin, but at this point I was getting a little confused. I mean, this was dumb, but not nearly as dumb as I expected.
”What does that make the Abyssals and the Research Society?” I asked with enforced nonchalance, and Josh immediately used the opportunity to spew more exposition at me.
”The Abyssals are actually running the Majestic-12! Crop circles are actually created by gates to the abyss, and most UFO's are Abyssals flying around using holographic technology to hide themselves!”
”As for the Research Society,” Ammy continued while drawing another line onto the whiteboard, ”Their public front is CERN, but they are not that important.”
”Yeah, they are kind of lame,” Angie said while crossing her arms. ”They are too obsessed with silly things, like sending bananas back in time.”
”Such weirdos,” Josh concluded, and all three of them nodded in agreement.
”Okay, I'm following so far. Which one is this nebulous 'they'?” I inquired, only to receive a crossfire of frowns for my trouble.
”It's THEY!” Angie declared, ”And THEY are obviously Martian survivors who escaped their planet using synthetic six-dimensional Merkabahs after they destroyed their environment!”
”Yeah, and now they are using psychotronic waves to control humanity from their secret moon base! Weren't you paying attention?!” Josh piled on me, and while there were too many things to object to, I decided it still wasn't worth the effort, so I only allowed myself three seconds of facepalming before returning to the conversation.
”Oh, right. How silly of me,” I mumbled in a monotone voice, yet it was enough to satisfy them.
”To truly understand the threat THEY pose, you must first learn the whole history of the world,” Angie stated in a profound tone that suggested whatever she was about to tell me was only going to get sillier.
”The true history of the world,” Josh added in a slightly more ominous voice.
”Do I really have to?” I asked, though I already knew it was in vain, and after receiving another blast of concentrated frown-waves from the three in front of me, I finally resigned myself to my fate. ”Fine, fine. Please tell me the absolutely true and in no way hilariously stupid true history or the true world or whatever.”
”You see, Leo,” Ammy immediately began, apparently completely impervious to sarcasm. ”A long time ago, there was a time when all humans existed on a higher level of consciousness. We lived on the islands of Lumeria, until one day there was a consciousness shift, and the island all sank down.”
”Well, obviously,” I responded on autopilot, which earned me a satisfied smile from the class rep.
”Indeed. In its place, the continent of Atlantis rose out of the ocean, where our ancestors used magic to create magical vortexes of higher-dimensional vibrations to form the Flower of Life. However not all of the vortexes of the Flower of Life could be filled by humanity's consciousness, so the trans-vibrational will of the planet called upon two alien races to fill in the void.”
”Let me guess. One of them was the Martians,” I guessed while inconspicuously bringing a chair over. I mean, if I had no choice but to listen to this, I might as well make myself comfortable.
”Precisely!” Angie cut in with an enormous grin. ”As for the other race, it was my ancestors, the Irish!”
”… Wot?”
They completely ignored my nuanced question, and Ammy followed it up with, ”The Irish used four-dimensional tetrahedral airships called Merkabahs that could travel through space and dimensions to arrive to the planet. However, the Martians were different!”
”Yes. They had to use a synthetic Merkabah to travel to Earth from their dying planet,” Josh explained while drawing some kind of three-dimensional Star of David onto the board. ”However, it was a one-way trip, and when they arrived, they tried to take over the world!”
”Of course they did,” I muttered. I mean, I could ask a number of questions, such as what something out of Jewish mysticism had to do with Irishmen from space, how Angie was related to Irishmen from space, or why we were seriously talking about the premise of the Irish coming from space, but I didn't want to draw this out even longer than necessary.
”But before they could do so,” the class rep smoothly continued off Josh's last sentence, ”a magic comet hit Atlantis! It caused a polar shift, so Atlantis sunk to the bottom of the ocean, and humans lost their connection to the higher dimensions!”
”Humanity was doomed, but then our ancestors, with the help of the Egyptian god Thoth, created magical monuments all over the planet to create an artificial consciousness grid to lift humanity back up to the fourth dimension!”
”But… the fourth dimension is time, so aren't we already…?” I began, only to give up halfway through the thought as I realized none of them were listening.
”However, while all of this was happening, the Martians used the opportunity to use their evil technology to lead humanity astray!” Angie explained with unbridled enthusiasm. ”Even to this day, they plan to hijack the consciousness-grid of humanity, and use it to create another synthetic Merkabah and use it to take over the world!”
”And what does this have to do with the Illuminati and all the other shadow governments?” I inquired, hoping against hope that I would get a straight answer for once.
”We have been fighting a shadow war against the Martians since the dawn of civilization,” Ammy expounded with a frankly unwarranted amount of gravitas in her voice. ”However, over the millennia, our secret societies fractured and have been fighting against each other as much as we resisted the Martians.”
”It was probably because of their psychotronic mind-control beams they use from their black helicopters,” Josh proposed, and the other two girls nodded like it made sense.
”That is, until now!” Angie declared and subsequently roughly patted Josh on the back. ”Now we have this guy!”
”You see,” the class rep followed up with another tweak of the glasses and theatrically retracting her pointer, ”all the prophecies are actually left behind by Thoth on the Emerald Tablets, and they were designed to make us all recognize that we have to put our differences aside, unlock the three atoms thick airship hidden under the Sphinx by the Irish, and then destroy the Martians with it, the same way it was used to destroy the Grey aliens in the seventies.”
”Wait, hold on for a moment. I thought UFO's were Abyssals in this continuity,” I objected, though even I didn't know why I bothered.
”Don't be silly, Leo,” Angie responded with a not at all subtle eye-roll. ”They are obviously not the same thing.”
I waited for her to actually give a proper explanation, but no matter how many seconds passed, she remained staunchly silent. In fact, all of them were quiet.
”Is that it?” I asked, just a tad flabbergasted.
”That's about it,” Josh confirmed. ”Now you know the true history of the world. Well, most of it.”